Ally McBeal

Table of contents

1 Frog Song 2 Memorable Quotes from "Ally McBeal" 2.1 Ally McBeal 2.2 Billy 2.3 John "The Biscuit" Cage 2.4 Richard Fish 2.5 Elaine Vassal 2.6 Ling Woo 2.7 Others

Frog Song

[sung by John Cage in "Worlds Without Love"]

Green legs leaping.
Amphibial reaping.
Life zeal,
it's all in the keeping.

Be a frog.
Be a frog.
Be a frog.
Be a frog.

Memorable Quotes from "Ally McBeal"

Ally McBeal

Ally McBeal: There's no sin in loving men. Only pain!

Ally McBeal: We're not only wired to want what we can't have, but we're also wired to want what we really don't want.

Ally McBeal: You only die once!

Ally McBeal: When guys are persistent, it's romantic, they make movies about that. If it's a woman, then they cast Glenn Close.

Ally McBeal: Law and love are the same - romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection.

Ally McBeal: I like being a mess. It's who I am.

Ally McBeal: I've been dumped before, Renee. This isn't pain I'm feeling, it's nostalgia.

Judge Jennifer "Whipper" Cone: No, I don't think you're nuts, but I don't think that you have both feet on the ground either. Ally McBeal: You mean some people do?

Ally McBeal: I mean, with all due respect, you sort of walk around with uppity breasts, and the hair flips aren't the most subtle. And your perfume - you could be flammable. Now what if somebody shut you down as a safety hazard, how would you feel then?

Ally McBeal: Here I am, the victim of my own choices. And I'm just starting.

Ally McBeal: Where does she come up with these things? Nelle Porter: Well, Ling wasn't editor of law review for nothing. Ally McBeal: Ling went to Law School? Ling is a LAWYER?

Ally McBeal: Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it.

Ally McBeal: The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.

Ally McBeal: You loved me. Billy: Yeah. That's the truth. So much that sometimes, when we were apart, we used to keep an open phone line at night so while sleeping I could listen to your breath.

Ally McBeal: Whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines. If things don't change, I am bound to be arrested.

Ally McBeal: [about Billy] He wants to have his cake and not eat me.

Ally McBeal: Hi! I'm Ally McBeal, homewrecker. Here's my card. Georgia Thomas: I already have it, thanks.

Ally McBeal: Wow... I have a boyfriend.

[Watches Nelle Porter unpin her bun and shake out her long, beautiful blonde hair] Ally McBeal: It's official: I HATE her!

Ally McBeal: Love isn't always enough. Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough and you realize it's everything.

Ally McBeal: Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me.

Ally McBeal: Sometimes... there's no point in the truth if the only thing it will do is cause pain.

Ally McBeal: The ideia that when people come together, they stay together. I have to take that with me when I'm going to bed at night, Even if I'm going to bed alone.

Ally McBeal: Men are like gum anyway - after you chew they lose their flavor.

Ally McBeal: Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction.

Ally McBeal: Uh, let the record reflect that the deponent is a fat, arrogant, overweight, bald pig. Elaine Vassal: Oh, forgive my bluntness. It's a device I use to cope.

Ally McBeal: Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones.

Ally McBeal: Remember, when you're with me, it's the only time you're not the strangest person in the room. So go ahead, get weird with me.

Elaine Vassal: In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing any underwear. Ally McBeal: I won't be in that pinch.

Georgia Thomas: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's? Ally McBeal: They're mine.

Ally McBeal: We're women. We have a double standard to live up to.

Rabbi Stern: Are you always such a bitchy little thing? Ally McBeal: Bitchy? Rabbi Stern: Coming in here, insulting the Talmud, insulting me! Ally McBeal: What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy? Rabbi Stern: I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Ally McBeal: 'Cause I'm bitchy? God has no love for the bitchy? Rabbi Stern: Get out.

Ally McBeal: I am good in bed, Renee. [Renee laughs] Ally McBeal: What? Renée Radick: Ally, I'm your roommate. We have thin walls, and you... [Renee imitates small whining noises] Ally McBeal: I don't sound like that. Renée Radick: I make more noise breaking in a new shoe. Ally McBeal: So how has it come to this? We're smart women, we're fairly attractive... Renée Radick: I'm even hot.

Greg: You kicked him? Ally McBeal: I didn't know he was real; I thought he was pretend. Greg: You only kick pretend people? Ally McBeal: [pause] Yes.

Billy

Billy: Why do therapists always have to talk about sex? Dr. Hooper: What can I say, Freud was a perv.

Ally McBeal: I'm trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer. Billy: Why don't you just watch the news?

John "The Biscuit" Cage

John "The Biscuit" Cage: Let's not forget that Lizzie Borden was found innocent of killing her parents. Richard Fish: Oh, she did it; the jury just took pity on her for being an orphan.

[about Santa Claus] John "The Biscuit" Cage: A fat man, trying to squeeze through a narrow chimney, and I taunt him with Oreos and whole milk.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: That's the trouble I suppose in coming at people with honesty, some times they counter with it.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: I'm not going through an odd phase, I really am odd.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: Have no fear, Nelle, that girl is a bagel! Nelle Porter: Bagel? John "The Biscuit" Cage: [pauses] I meant to say 'toast.'

Richard Fish

Richard Fish: You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.

[a judge has just denied his motion] Richard Fish: Let the record show: dammit.

Richard Fish: Is that the two cents? I'd be looking for change.

Richard Fish: Objection! Your Honor, this is boring!

Richard Fish: Everybody's alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship.

Richard Fish: Helping others is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self interest.

Richard Fish: Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that.

Richard Fish: "Problem" is just a bleak word for challenge.

Richard Fish: Make enough money, and everything else will follow. Quote me. That's a Fishism.

Richard Fish: She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle and clueless. I feel like Elaine.

Richard Fish: You know, I had a great aunt once who said if you stare at a beautiful woman too long, you turn to stone. She was partially right.

Georgia Thomas: Well, by all means let's hear your opinion, Richard. Richard Fish: Simple. Men and women. Friction. Georgia Thomas: That's it? Friction? Richard Fish: Friction, friction, friction, orgasm. Fishism. Are we going to dance or not?

Elaine Vassal

Elaine Vassal: That was with all due respect?

Elaine Vassal: A lot of people forget what they're saying in a fit of rage, so I'll be happy to take the minutes.

Elaine Vassal: Sometimes she just *looks* snappish.

Elaine Vassal: Snappish!

Elaine Vassal: That was a snappish remark disguised in a soft tone.

Elaine Vassal: I'm sure she's quite stupid, and in time, gravity will get her.

Elaine Vassal: She's two-thirds of a Rice Krispie treat. She's already snapped, and crackled, and she's ready for the final pop.

Ling Woo

Nelle Porter: You having fun with this case? Ling Woo: It's okay. I prefer being a plaintiff, but a defendant's nice too. I get a martyr glow.

Ling Woo: So Jackson Duper, you don't tell a woman your real name? Jackson Duper: Hey, for all I knew... Ling Woo: You knew me well enough to go to bed with me. Jackson Duper: Look... Ling Woo: Why the alias? You wanted? Jackson Duper: No. Ling Woo: Certainly not by me. Jackson Duper: Excellent. Do I get to talk? Ling Woo: Fine. Quick, think up something. Jackson Duper: Look... Ling Woo: We're back to look. Jackson Duper: Hey... Ling Woo: We're back to hey. Jackson Duper: Ling... Ling Woo: How do you know my real name? Oh that's right, I *gave* it to you. What an odd thing to do.

Ling Woo: It's a problem being beautiful. It's only the handsome men that ask us out because they're the only ones who think they have a chance. And handsome men are dolts. Life is unfair to us. At some point we have to face the certain reality: despite all the good the world seems to offer, true happiness can only be found in one thing - shopping.

[on Elaine] Ling Woo: This woman drips with sarcasm at my personal expense.

Ling Woo: Nelle is like a sister; when she's in pain, I throw up!

Ling Woo: I'm rich. I only go into work to wear my outfits!

[Ally is outraged when Ling convinces a dying boy that he could sue God] Ling Woo: Do you know how his father died? Ally McBeal: No. Do you? Ling Woo: Yes, I overheard the nurses talking. He was crushed by a tree that was struck by lightning. THAT was an act of God, so we go after the Church, HOUSE of God. I need to pee. [exits]

Others

Renée Radick: People think you're strange, you know. Just, just sit there and don't talk.

John "The Biscuit" Cage: I am an enigma. Renée Radick: You're a cute little enigma.

Renée Radick: Well, don't get me wrong, Ally... Ally McBeal: Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong? Renée Radick: No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it. Ally McBeal: Oh, okay. Renée Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot.

[Ally's psychiatrist plays a tape of people laughing] Dr. Tracy Clark: Sometimes when a patient says something so competely naive, I find that my own laughter just isn't enough.

Ling Woo: I am really a very funny person.

Dr. Tracy Clark: You kissed him? You're a slut! Ally McBeal: I... I am not! I am not a slut! Dr. Tracy Clark: Oh, come on! Don't fool yourself!

Nelle Porter: Ling, one of the disadvantages of having magnetism is that you bring people out, people that otherwise would go unnoticed. The fact that she can be so annoying is really a tribute to you!

Georgia Thomas: At the end of the day, life is just this big wall of reality that we all crash into.

Liza Bump: [to Nelle Porter] Do you talk, or do I have to pull a string?