Bill Hicks

Table of contents

1 William Melvin Hicks (December 16, 1961 - February 26, 1994) 2 Comedy Routine 3 Attributed 4 External links

William Melvin Hicks (December 16, 1961 - February 26, 1994)

An American stand up comedian , satirist, and social critic. Hicks is often compared to Lenny Bruce and Sam Kinison , and characterized his own performances as "Chomsky with dick jokes ." He was well known for his hilarious misanthropic rants and his hatred of consumerism.

Comedy Routine

• "If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews."

• You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too. You know, during the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well ... we looked at the receipts."
  • Revelations (1990's comedy routine)

• I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of 'em. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane ... throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: "Pick it up." "I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me." "Pick up the gun." "Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, mister." "Pick up the gun." Boom, boom. "You all saw him. He had a gun."
  • Revelations (1990's comedy routine)

• You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay. I got one word to ask you, a one word question. Ready? "Uh-huh." Dinosaurs. You know, if the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point. "And lo, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus ... with a splinter in his paw. And O, the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fuckin' lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid, and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw, and the big lizard became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O, so many years, inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And O, Scotland did praise the Lord: 'Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord.'"
  • Revelations (1990's comedy routine)

• Get this, I actually asked one of these guys: OK, dinosaur fossils – how does that fit into your scheme of life? Let me sit down and strap in. He said, "Dinosaur fossils? God put those there to test our faith." Thank God I'm strapped in right now here, man. I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. You believe that? "Uh-huh." Does that trouble anyone here? The idea that God ... might be ... fucking with our heads? I have trouble sleeping with that knowledge. Some prankster God running around: "Hu hu ho. We will see who believes in me now, ha ha. I am God, I am a prankster. I am killing Me." You know, you die and go to St. Peter: "Did you believe in dinosaurs?" "Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere. Aaaaaaarhhh!" "You fucking idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron. God was fucking with you!" "It seemed so plausible, ahhhh!" "Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"
  • Revelations (1990's comedy routine)

• The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney; it's so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.
  • Revelations (1990's comedy routine)

• Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?
  • Revelations (1990's comedy routine)

• A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know.
  • Revelations (1990's comedy routine)

• The world is like a ride at an amusement park. It goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride ..." And we ... kill those people. Ha ha, "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus murdered; Martin Luther King murdered; Malcolm X murdered; Gandhi murdered; John Lennon murdered; Reagan ... wounded. But it doesn't matter because: It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love.

  The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. Thank you very much, you've been great.

  Sound effect of three shots, Hicks pretends to fall down dead, lights go down.

  • Revelations (1990's comedy routine)

Attributed

• You gotta bear with me, I'm very tired, very tired of traveling, and very tired of doing comedy, and very tired of staring out at your vacant faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves. Good evening.

• I have been a comedian for a long time, so forgive me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

• I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.
  • [on the similarity of Denis Leary's act with his own]

• I am a comedian and poet, so for anything that doesn't get a laugh, there's a poem.

• People come up to me and say "What's wrong?" Nothing. "Well it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile". Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

• Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

• Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.

• Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

• It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

• I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

• You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favour. Go home tonight take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. 'Cause You know what the musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs... The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

• I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: <smack smack smack smack>
  "Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"
  Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading for? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

• Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

• I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)

• They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

• I was just down in Dallas, Texas. You know you can go down there and, er, to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was assassinated. And you can actually go to the sixth floor of the Schoolbook Depository. It's a museum called... 'The Assassination Museum'. I think they named that after the assassination. I can't be too sure of the chronology here but... Anyway they have the window set up to look exactly like it did on that day. And it's really accurate, you know, cus Oswald's not in it.

• I love talking about the Kennedy assassination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

• Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

• Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired, go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

• We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

• You ever notice how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? -Revelations

• I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

• What do atheists scream when they come?

• Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? Guess there's a lot of guys on dates here who've got their fingers crossed by now...

• I was talking about blowjobs and a woman in the audience shouted "You ever tried it?" I said "Yeah. Almost broke my back..."

• I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I recommend you look around the world in which we live...and shut your fucking mouth.

• Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight! I know you've employed some kind of eternal life fantasy because you've chosen not to smoke. Let me be the first to pop that bubble and send you hurtling back to reality - because you're dead too. And you know what doctors say? "Shit, if only you'd smoked - we'd have the technology to help you. It's you people dying from nothing who are screwed". I've got all sorts of neat shit waiting for me - oxygen tent, iron lung...it's like going to Tandy.

• I was on the aeroplane coming over here. It's a non-smoking plane - get this, right? No smoking, but they allow children. Hmmm. "Well, smoking bothers me." Well, guess what...?

• To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says "Warning: Smoking can cause foetal image or premature birth". Screw it - I've found my brand! Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around.

• It is hard to quit smoking. Every one of them looks pretty good to me right now. Every cigarette looks like it was made by God, rolled by Jesus and moistened shut with Claudia Schiffer's pussy right now.

• I was over in Australia and everyone's like ‘Are you proud to be an American?’ And I was like, ‘Um, I don’t know, I didn’t have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents fucked there, that’s about all. You know, I was in the spirit realm at that time, going ‘FUCK IN PARIS! FUCK IN PARIS!’ but they couldn’t hear me, because I didn’t have a mouth. I was a spirit without lungs or a mouth, or vocal cords. They fucked here. Okay, I’m proud.’

• I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. 'I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.' 'I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.' 'Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!'

• I don’t understand anything so there you go…you know what my problem is? I watch too much news, man, that’s my problem, that’s why I’m so depressed all the time, I figured it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don’t know if you’ve ever sat around and watched CNN more than, I don’t know, 20 hours in one day…I don’t recommend that. Watch CNN Headline News for 1 hour, it’s the most depressing thing you’ll ever fucking do: WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION. WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS...Then, you look out your window... {makes cricket noises} “Where’s all this shit happening? Ted Turner’s making this shit up! Jane Fonda won’t sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: ‘By 1992, we will all die of AIDS; read that on the air. I don’t get laid, no one gets laid!’" I’m writing Jane Fonda: ‘Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news, please?’ I want to see a well-laid Ted Turner newscast: “Hey, it’s all going to work out. Here’s sports.”

• I can't watch TV longer than 5 minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

• [to an audience member]
  "How much do you smoke, sir? A pack a day? Why don't you just put on a dress and swish around ... I go through two lighters a day."

• [in a child's voice]
  "Mommy, I found a Lincoln Log in my sock drawer."
  [imitating the mother]
  "That's the story of Jesus."

• [on Gideons]
  Ever met one, no! Ever seen one, no! But they're all over the fuckin' world, putting bibles in hotel rooms!!

• I'm gonna capture a Gideon.

• Not all drugs are good. Some... are great.

• It's an insane world, and I'm proud to be a part of it.

• Yeah you really got my act down good, guys. That'll be great. You know, when I'm done ranting about elite power that rules the planet under a totalitarian govenment that uses the media in order to keep people stupid, my throat gets parched. That's why I drink orange drink."
  • [after being asked to do an advertisement for orange drink ].

• The rock stars today who don't do drugs and who in fact speak out against drugs - We're rock against drugs! ... Boy, they suck.

• 'Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children.' Fuck that. When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking rocked. I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit. I want someone who plays from his fucking heart.

• One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've been adding onto.

• If you're so pro-life, and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here, and is very unwanted, and very alone, and needs someone to take care of it and get it out of a horrible situation. And people say 'Well, why don't you do that?' and I say 'Cause I hate fucking kids and couldn't care less'.

• Hitler had the right idea! He was just an under-achiever! Kill them all, Adolph, all of them! Jew, Mexican, American, white, kill them all!!!!
  • [reaction to drunken crowd repeatedly crying out "Freebird"].

• [on anti-drug television advertising]
  How dare you have a wino tell me not to use drugs?

• I admit it, I see that commercial and I feel cheated. Where's the shit that makes eggs look like brains? What is that, CIA stash?

• The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

• This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going "what, what?" Let me just clarify: I know YOU think they're special ... ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you, that they're NOT! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of TWO-HUNDRED MILLION – that load, we're only talking about one load – connected: gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off've my chest with a grey gymsock. ENTIRE CIVILISATIONS HAVE FLAKED AND CRUSTED IN THE HAIR AROUND MY NAVEL! [...] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: "Unngh ... what's for fucking breakfast?!"

External links