Bruce Almighty

Bruce Almighty (2003 film)

Directed by Tom Shadyac

Starring Jim Carrey , Morgan Freeman , Jennifer Aniston

• Bruce: "So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?"
  Mama Kowolski: "Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, 'No, is big chocolate sprinkle.' But he shut store down. So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back."
• Bruce: "So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?"
  Mama Kowolski: "So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?"
  Bruce: "That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces."
  Vol Kowolski: "I work in back. I see no smiles."
• Bruce: "And the cookie is... ten feet, four inches! We have a new record! Cue the cheesy inspirational music!"
• Bruce: "And that's the way the cookie crumbles!"
• Grace: "Bruce, you promised that you would help me with this photo album. Now, you get your goofy butt over here!"
• Bruce: "Whoa! Hold the phone! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake."
  Grace: "How'd you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash."
  Bruce: "You look perky, hon. It must've been cold."
• Grace: "All right, fine! Do with it what you will, I don't care!"
  Bruce: "I will do with it what I will."
  Grace: "Jesus."
  Bruce: "You know, I might even send this into Playboy!"
• Bruce: "All the greatest anchors have had their signature sign-off, like Walter Cronkite. And that's the way it was. That's the way the cookie crumbles. That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh."
• Bruce: "Come on, let's go inside and have a shit."
• Grace: "Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Martin, don't... don't eat that. Don't eat that. Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey. Ooh."
• Jack: "You don't want to like Evan. Evan's an asshole."
• Ally: "They want you close to the falls."
  Bruce: "Really? I'm gonna get soaked."
• Bruce: "First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber... Pardon me, Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me."
• Bruce: "Anyway, I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom. Tell me: Why did you throw the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe, floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big fat ass off?"
• Bruce: "Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk."
  Grace: "Come on! What are you DOING?!"
  Bruce: "Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
  Bill (Ferry Owner): "Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want..."
  Bruce: "Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me? ERODING, EEEERODING, EEEEEERODDDING."
  Jack: "Cut the feed. Go to black."
  Technician: "I'm on it."
  Bruce: "I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!"
  Jack: "Oh boy."
  Grace: "Oh, my God."
• Bruce: "That is perfect! That is the motivation that I needed! Right there! Thank you. Thank you, WKBW! Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners! THAT'S WHAT THAT STANDS FOR!"
• Bruce: "B-E-A-utiful."
• Bruce: "Fine! The gloves are off pal! C'mon, lemme see a little wrath! Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is you! Answer me!"
• Grace: "Will you stop being such a martyr?"
  Bruce: "I am not being a martyr. I'm the victim. God is a mean kid over an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!"
• God: "'The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass. Smite me, O mighty smiter!' Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh."
• Bruce: "Who are you?"
  God: "I'm the one. Creator of the heavens and earth, alpha and omega. Bruce, I'm God."
  Bruce: "Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God'! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was very nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!"
• God: "In a way, I'm here to offer you a job."
  Bruce: "Job? What job?"
  God: "My job. When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all of my powers."
  Bruce: "Whatever you say, pal."
• Bruce: "If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood. HOLY HELL!"
• Bruce: "Be careful what you wish for, punk. I am a reasonable, sane human being... with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the wo... I'm not Clint Eastwood. Bruce Nolan, Bruce Nolan. I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce No-lan!"
• God: "I did the same thing to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks."
• Bruce: "Holy sh... cow."
• Bruce: Where ya goin'?
  God: I'm... taking a vacation.
  Bruce: Wait, God doesn't take vacations! Does he? Do... ye?
  God: Ever heard of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered. You can fix up everything in five minutes if you wanted to. Right? Ciao.
• Lead Thug: "I'll tell you what. When a monkey comes out of my butt, you'll get your sorry. How about that?"
  Bruce: "How ironic, because that's... today."
• Thug #1: "Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?"
  Thug #2: "This is some voodoo shit, man! Let's go!"
  Bruce: "Are you guys leavin'? Hey, don't forget your parting gifts!"
• Bruce: "Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy."
• Bruce: "I AM BRUCE ALMIGHTY! MY WILL BE DONE!"
• Grace: "Those are amazing! What are these?"
  Bruce: "They're a new breed. Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies. I call them... tudaisies."
• Bruce: "Bedroom?"
  Grace: "Five minutes."
• Grace: "I'll be out in a minute."
  Bruce: "Don't rush yourself. Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure!"
• Bruce: "It's a funny thing about pleasure."
  Grace: "Wow."
  Bruce: "It can be quite... PLEASURABLE!!!"
• News Reporter: "In international news, Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort to rescue hundreds of people stranded by a freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City. Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity. More on this as it develops."
• Evan: "A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor demanded that... When the mayor demanded that the chief... When the mayor demanded that the chief... As a response to allegations... I'm sorry. I seem to have something stuck in my..."
  Director: "Somebody get him some water, please."
  Susan: "Looks like my new coanchor might need a glass of water."
• Evan: "In other news, the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today, and my tiny little nipples went to France."
  Director: "What did he just say? Check the prompter."
  Technician: "The prompter's fine."
  Director: "Evan, read the copy. Please, the copy's good, just... read it."
  Evan: "The White House Reception Committee greeted the Prime rib roast Minister, and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I 'lika' do da cha-cha."
• God: "It's really something, isn't it?"
  Bruce: "Is this Heaven?
  God: "No, this is Mount Everest. You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time."
• Computer: "Yahweh! You've got prayers."
• Bruce: "I'd better manifest some coffee. ¡Hola, Juan Valdez!"
  Juan Valdez: "Buenos días."
  Bruce: "¡Buenos días!"
  Juan Valdez: "Disfrute un buen café."
  Bruce: "Gracias, señor."
  Juan Valdez: "¡Adiós!"
  Bruce: "¡Adiós!"
• Bruce: "Ah! Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia."
• Bruce: "You can't leave me! I'm the alpha, lady! I'M THE OMEGA, BABY! Okay, fine, I don't need you!"
• Grace: "Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no, no. Oh gosh, please don't put that in your mouth. We don't eat that. Oh, that's not food. Oh, go to the bathroom, please. Wash out your mouth. Wash off your hands. God, I swear that kid is gonna poop an ornament.
• Bruce: "Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?"
  Day Care Kid: "Hey, you said 'ass.'"
  Bruce: "Yeah, but it's okay if I'm talking about a donkey."
• Bruce: "Okay, you win. I'm done. Please, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be God! I want you to decide what's right for me! I surrender to your will!"
• God: "It's good."
  Bruce: "It's good."
  Both: "It's good!"
• Bruce: "I was such an idiot."
  Grace: "It's okay."

Homeless Man Signs

• "R EWE BLIND"
• "LOOK TO YOURSELF"
• "LIFE IS JUST"
• "THY KINGDUMB COME"
• "ALL FOR WON"
• "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY"
• Bruce: (with his own sign) "WHATEVER HE SAID ->"
• "ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE"