Bill Watterson

William B. "Bill" Watterson II (born 5 July 1958) Author of the comic-strip Calvin and Hobbes

Table of contents

1 Sourced: 1.1 from the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip: 1.1.1 Calvin 1.1.2 Hobbes 1.1.3 Susie 1.1.4 Dialogues 2 Attributed: 3 External links

Sourced:

• I hope some historian will confirm that I was the first cartoonist to use the word "booger" in a newspaper comic strip.
  • The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book

• So, what's it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don't recommend it.
  • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

• You can lead people to truth, but you can't make them understand it: the story of my youth, as seen from the present.
  • The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book

• If you ever want to find out just how uninteresting you really are, get a job where the quality and frequency of your thoughts determine your livelihood. I've found that the only way I can keep writing every day, year after year, is to let my mind wander into new territories. To do that, I've had to cultivate a kind of mental playfulness.
  • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

• We're not really taught how to recreate constructively. We need to do more than find diversions; we need to restore and expand ourselves. Our idea of relaxing is all too often to plop down in front of the television set and let its pandering idiocy liquefy our brains. Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenating; the mind is like a car battery— it recharges by running.
  • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

• Selling out is usually more a matter of buying in. Sell out, and you're really buying into someone else's system of values, rules and rewards.
  • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

• Such is American business, I guess, where the desire for obscene profit mutes any discussion of conscience.
  • Kenyon College Commencement Address (May 20, 1990)

from the Calvin and Hobbes comic strip:

Calvin

• So long, Pop! I'm off to check my tiger trap.
  • First line of the first Calvin and Hobbes strip

• As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p25

• But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p99

• But for my own example, I'd never believe one little kid could have so much brains!
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p182

• Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p225

• Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
  • The Days are Just Packed p154

• Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul!
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p36

• From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p145

• Girls are like slugs— they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p71

• Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbesp35

• Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p29

• Hi Susie! Guess what I brought for lunch.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p229

• History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p152

• I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p235

• I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
  • It's a Magical World p39

• I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
  • Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons p90

• I think life should be more like tv. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p94

• I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p77

• I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p152

• I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge.
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p91

• I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p62

• I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p86

• I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p227

• I'd hate to have a kid like me.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p203

• I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p18

• I'M SIGNIFICANT!...screamed the dust speck.
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p30

• If mom and dad cared about me at all, they'd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p5

• If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again.
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p55

• In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
  • Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons p58

• It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.
  • Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons p19

• It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
  • Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons p62

• It's only work if somebody makes you do it.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p126

• Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination.
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p26

• Life's a lot more fun when you're not responsible for your actions.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p152

• My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p158

• Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
  • Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons p9

• People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p105

• Reality continues to ruin my life.
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p67

• Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p157

• The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p142

• The secret to happiness is short-term, stupid self-interest!
  • The Days are Just Packed p79

• The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.
  • The Days are Just Packed p137

• The Tooth Fairy's gonna make you rich tonight, Susie.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p76

• The worst part is that I don't even have the fun of doing the things I'm getting blamed for.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p188

• There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p213

• There's no problem so awful that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse!
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p100

• Things are never quite as scary when you've got a best friend.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p77

• This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard, I found I could suspend myself a few feet above ground. I flapped harder, and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could fly! I folded my arms back and zoomed low over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed, and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed, making huge loops in the sky! ...That's when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didn't get my bottom out of bed; 20 minutes later, here I am, standing in the cold rain, waiting to go to school, and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays don't start much worse than this.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p207

• To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
  • It's a Magical World p113

• Trifle not with tired tigers.
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p106

• True friends are hard to come by. . . I need more money.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p86

• What assurance do I have that your parenting isn't screwing me up?
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p146

• Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p212

• YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY, BABYSITTER GIRL!
  • Calvin as "Stupendous Man" The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p218

• You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p121

• You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p109

• Shock and titillate me! I've got money!
  • "It's a Magical World" p74

• You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help.
  • It's a Magical World p33

• That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p190

• Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p142

• Do you have any money?...How can we get some? (thinks) Who do you know that we could sue?
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p29

• Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That's the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p34

• It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy... Let's go exploring!
  • last line of the final Calvin and Hobbes strip

Hobbes

• I don't know which is worse, ...that everyone has his price, or that the price is always so low
  • The Days are Just Packed p56

• I had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it already.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p111

• If you couldn't find any weirdness, maybe we'll just have to make some!
  • It's a Magical World p45

• If you don't get a good night kiss, you get Kafka dreams.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p87

• Live and don't learn, that's us.
  • The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes p190

• Most people don't sleep well next to a hungry tiger.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p214

• So basically, this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection?
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p29

• So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?
  • The Days are Just Packed p23

• There's more to this world than just people, you know.
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p105

• Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them.
  • Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons p52

• Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?
  • Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons p38

• You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride to not be human.
  • The Authoritative Calvin and Hobbes p39

Susie

• The way Calvin's brain is wired, you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
  • The Days are Just Packed p64

• Our class voted Calvin the "Most likely to be seen on the news some day".
  • Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons p13

• Talking with you is the conversational-equivalent of an out of body experience.
  • Yukon Ho!

Dialogues

• Calvin: "I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled!"
  Hobbes: "Is it a right to remain ignorant?"
  Calvin: "I don't know, but I refuse to find out!"
  • Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat p41

• Calvin: "When I grow up, I'm not going to read the newspaper and I'm not going to follow complex issues and I'm not going to vote. That way I can complain when the government doesn't represent me. Then, when everything goes down the tubes, I can say the system doesn't work and justify my further lack of participation."
  Hobbes: "An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan."
  Calvin: "It's a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them."
  • The Days are Just Packed p78

• Dad: "The world isn't fair, Calvin."
  Calvin: "I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?"
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p82

• Hobbes: "Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof?"
  Calvin: "Questions I know the answers to I don't need to ask, right?"
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p75

• Hobbes: "How come we play war and not peace?"
  Calvin: "Too few role models."
  • The Essential Calvin and Hobbes p72

• Hobbes: "What would you call the creation of the universe?"
  Calvin: "The Horrendous Space Kablooie!"
  • The Days are Just Packed p101

• A dead bird lies before Calvin and Hobbes
  Calvin: "Look, a dead bird!"
  Hobbes: "It must've hit a window."
  Calvin: "Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that... which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up."
  Hobbes: "No doubt."
  Calvin and Hobbes recline against their tree, watching birds around them, in silence
  • There's Treasure Everywhere p16

• Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
  Hobbes: Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?
  • The Revenge of the Baby-Sat p100

• Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.
  Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box!
  Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel!
  Calvin: "It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that!
  Hobbes: I'm looking it up.
  Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js!
  Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB?
  Calvin: 957.
  
  • Scientific Progress Goes "Boink" p76

• Calvin: "People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist's statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance."
  Hobbes: "You misspelled Weltanschauung."
  • It's a Magical World p68 (July 15, 1995)

• Mom:"Time to go to bed dear."
  Calvin:"This is a free country, I can do what I want" (Later in bed) Calvin screams:"Communists!".
  • Yukon-Ho!

Attributed:

• For a girl, she's remarkably perceptive! (Calvin)

• I find it easier to live my life with lowered expectations. (Calvin)

• If ignorance is bliss, this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness, the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the Declaration of Independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative to not know this material. I'll be out in the playground. (Calvin)

• Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery. (Calvin)

• Calvin: "Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they never let go of it! They just go on and on long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder, 'What's wrong with this idiot?' But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said!"
  Hobbes: "Maybe they're not very self aware."
  Calvin: "Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!" (emphasis in original)

• Hobbes: "Jump! Jump! Jump! I win!"
  Calvin: "You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg!" (Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over: "Hack. Pant. Pant.")
  Hobbes: "Look, it's just a game."
  Calvin: "I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!"

• Calvin: "I sure am great! I'm one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! I'm great in so many great ways! In fact, I'm so great that my greatness is..."
  Susie: "You're not great! You're one of the most conceited blowhards I've ever met!"
  Calvin: "When you're great, people often mistake candor for bragging."

• Moe: "I don't like your face!"
  Calvin: "Then don't look at it!"
  Moe: "I'd rather change it! Haw!" (Moe punches Calvin)
  Calvin: "I don't care about being accepted. I'd settle for being ignored."

• Calvin: "It's not denial. I'm just very selective about what I accept as reality."

• Mrs. Wormwood: "Wake up, Calvin! What state do you live in?"
  Calvin: Denial.

• Calvin: "They say that all the world's a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is adlibbing his lines."
  Hobbes: "Maybe that's why it's so hard to tell if we're living in a tragedy or a farce."
  Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.

• Calvin: Verbing weirds language.

External links