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Daria
Daria , TV series (1997-2002)
Season 1
Esteemsters
- Jake: What about you, Daria? How was your first day?
- Daria: Well, my history teacher hates me because I know all the answers, but there are some interesting idiots in my class.
- Jake: That's great!
- Daria: Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.
- Jake: I'll say!
- Daria: I have low esteem for everyone else.
The Invitation
- Kevin: Yo, Mack Daddy. You coming to Brittany's party?
- Mack: Don't call me that, okay? What's this party for, anyway?
- Kevin: Um...
- Mack: Stop if it starts to hurt.
- Brittany: I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night.
- Jane: Thanks for the ride, Trent.
- Trent: No problem. I needed a break anyway. I've been practicing for ten hours straight.
- Jane: Daria, would you say sleeping with a guitar in your hands counts as practicing?
- Trent: As long as you don't drop it.
- Trent: Don't do anything I wouldn't.
- Tori Jericho: Now she's really popular, but not as popular as she is. He's medium popular, and he just bought a great car so soon he'll be getting more popular. That guy was just popular enough to be invited, but now he needs to hook up with a girl who's more popular than he is.
- Jane: Chin up, nose up, let's go.
- Upchuck: Feisty...
- Quinn: Aren't you a little out of place here? And everywhere else on Earth?
- Quinn: Stop it, stop fighting. This is horrible. (to Jodie) They're fighting over me.
- Upchuck: To your left, the home of the town director of public works, built on unstable landfill. To your right, a flattened squirrel. Straight ahead, the future!
College Bored
- Quinn: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it.
- Daria: What about unpopular animals?
- Quinn: Unpopular animals don't count.
- Daria: What about the stupid ones?
- Daria: How come even in my fantasies everyone's a jerk?
- Helen: College men. Animals! (beat) Quinn!
- Jane: What happened to all your paper-writing money?
- Daria: My mom wouldn't let me keep it. She said it was wrong to encourage cheaters and to profit from them.
- Jane: So, she's giving up being a lawyer?
- Daria: I asked her that. And I'm sure some day we'll once again be on speaking terms.
Caffe Disaffecto
- Kevin: Daria, you're a chick, right?
- Daria: Why? You have a biology test today?
- Daria: Can I go with my friend Jane?
- Mr. O'Neill: Sure! She wants to help out?
- Daria: Umm Hmm. She's a big joiner.
- Jane: No way baby.
- Daria: Come on. Do it for friendship.
- Jane: I have no friends. I walk alone.
- Daria: Well then do it for sisterhood or something.
- Jane: Are you nuts.
- Daria: Then do it for the opportunity to look inside people's houses and find out what screwed up tastes they have.
- Jane: I'm bringing a Polaroid.
Malled
- Quinn: It's not a mall, it's the super mall! The Mall of the Millennium. Shop there forever!
- Daria: If you play that John Lennon song backwards, it says: imagine all the people...browsing in a mall. Isn't that weird?
- Brittany: This is great! Kevin and I love going to the mall during school. I mean, between classes. I mean, what do I mean babe?
- Kevin: What's the difference babe? You look hot.
- Upchuck: Ladies! Are you aware of the advantages of a gold card? Very advantageous when it belongs to your father! Dad wants me to pick up some bikinis for his secretary. He he he he... But I need a couple of models. The two of you are about her size. What do you say girls?
- Jane: Upchuck, are you aware that many therapists now accept credit cards?
- Jane: I didn't know you got car sick.
- Daria: I don't, usually. It's the fumes. It smells like, it smells like...
- Jane: Teen spirit?
- Daria: Cheap perfume.
- Brittany: Where are we going? The mall! What are we spending? Money! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Mall! Mall! Money! Go class!
- Daria: You don't get it do you. There's a principle involved.
- Jodie: No there isn't.
- Sandi: That's so great Quinn. That is such a great idea. You guys should impeach me and make Quinn president!
- Quinn: Oh Sandi, I would never have had that idea if it weren't for you. You said, "The fashion club should do more for the community." You're a great leader.
- Sandi: That's cuz you guys are such great leadettes.
This Year's Model
- Jane: I've said it before, I'll say it again. You have the coolest room.
- Daria: It's got pros and cons. You can't hurt yourself in here. But you can't hurt anybody else either.
- Jane: I wish there had been a schizophrenic shut-in living in our house before we moved in. Of course, we've got Trent there now, that's almost the same thing.
- Jodie: It's completely voluntary - what's the problem?
- Daria: No problem. But why stop at modeling? Maybe there's a go-go bar downtown that would like to come recruit lap dancers.
- Jodie: Don't mention that idea to Brittany.
- Jane: Kitty heaven?
- Daria: How does he know they're not going to kitty hell?
- Trent: Hey Janey.
- Jane: Yo! Trent, what are you doing here?
- Trent: Oh, you know. Whatever.
- Jane: Mom and Dad know you left the house voluntarily?
The Lab Brat
- Ms. Barch: If only men could be more like rats. Oh, sure, they come home at first. You feed them, you wait on them, and then, after 22 thankless years, they just up and leave. No note, no phone call, no nothing! (slams pointer on desk) Just... like... that!
- Daria: I wonder why he left.
- Ms. Barch: Now, before I divide the class into teams of two, who can give me another example of reinforcement? (no reply) Fine, class. Ignore me... just like he did! Kevin?
- Kevin: Uh...
- Ms. Barch: Shut up, Kevin.
- Brittany: Wait... how did you get this? You pervert!
- Upchuck: Silly me! I was taking pictures and forgot I had the telephoto lens on.
- Daria: This is all very touching. Brittany, a deal. The mouse for Kevin.
- Brittany: Deal.
- Both: (thinking) Sucker.
- Brittany: Let's go, Kevin.
- Kevin: Daria, I can still come over and watch the Pigskin Channel, right?
- Both: (thinking) Jerk.
- Ms. Barch: Excellent job, Daria. You get an "A."
- Kevin: All right!
- Ms. Barch: Not you, you man. You get a "D."
- Kevin: All right!
- Kevin: Thanks. Hey, Daria?
- Daria: Yes?
- Kevin: I'm having a big party Friday, and I want a lot of cool people there. Could you...
- Daria: Yes?
- Kevin: Ask Quinn if she could make it?
Pinch Sitter
- Mr. DeMartino: While we continue our discussion about cults. Can anyone give me a modern day example of a cult using cohesive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and social isolation to control over its members? Brittany!
- Brittany: Cheerleading?
- Quinn: People are so weird!
- Daria: Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.
- Helen: I can't have another fiasco like last Saturday night. Think of how it must have felt when those three boys all showed up at the same time!
- Quinn: It felt great!
- Deena: Great, and what are your priorities Quinn?
- Quinn: 1. Dating, 2. Shopping, 3. Bouncy hair, 4. School.
- Tricia: Sugar is bad.
- Tad: Sugar rots your teeth.
- Tricia: Sugar makes you hyper.
- Tad: Hitler ate sugar.
- Daria: Do you always do what adults tell you?
- Tad: Yes!
- Daria: Do you always believe everything they say?
- Tricia: Yup!
- Daria: But what if two adults say exactly opposite things?
- Tad: (starts to cry)
- Tricia: (pulls Daria's hair) You're mean!
- Daria: Thank god you're here.
- Jane: All hail, Pippi Longstocking. Hey Trent, come look at this!
- SSW: Tonight, on Sick, Sad World, a prime-time special with people just like you, only more pathetic.
- Daria: Just don't tell your parents we let you stay up late.
- Tad: Do we look stupid or something?
- Tad and Tricia: I am cool and that is it, and everyone else is full of, full of, full of...
Too Cute
- Sandi: So then I said, sure it's a nice car. Do you have enough gas to get back to Loserville?
- Quinn: So you see, when you contribute to my surgery, it's like we're all sharing my surgery. We're making a statement about solidarity!
- Andrea: Solidarity?
- Quinn: You know, sisterhood is powerful!
- Andrea: Aren't you even a little worried that there may be a hell?
The Big House
- Helen: The point is you were out way too late which is why tonight we're going to...
- Quinn: Destroy our living with your crushing rules and regulations? I can't breathe mother, I can't breathe!
- Daria: Look, someone once said, the most important thing in life is not to look like a geek. Do you have any idea how geeky all of this is?
- Quinn: This sucks.
- Helen: What have I said about using that word?
- Quinn: That you would ground me or something?
- Daria: There's no sadder sight on this earth, than a football player trying to think.
- Jane: Who said that?
- Daria: I believe it was Jefferson.
Road Worrier
- Trent: Hey, Daria.
- Daria: (Can't speak... must speak...) Hey.
- Trent: What do ya think of the song?
- Daria: (It has a beat and you can dance to it. If you have no shame.) Umm, cool.
- Trent: This is like that R.E.M. video. Except you can't read anyone's mind.
- Daria: (Thank God.)
- Daria: They're not going to make fun of me?
- Jane: For peeing in the woods? They're in a band Daria, those boys puke on each other on a regular basis.
- Jesse: That reminds me, you owe me a shirt.
The Teachings of Don Jake
- Jake: Isn't this great? For the next 72 hours we're going to live off what nature send our way! See that stream? That's our drinking water! See those berries? That's our breakfast!
- Daria: See that skeleton? That's our future.
- Jane: Trent. Trent. Trent!
- Trent: (wakes up) Officer it's not even my car.
- Jane: Let's think strategy. I don't wanna arrive without a plan.
- Trent: Hey, I already thought of that. As soon as we get there, we find a bar, and we don't leave it until we're unconscious.
- Jane: Good plan. But first of all, they probably wouldn't serve me. And second, I don't want to pass out. And third, right before you pass out, you'll decide it's time to be honest with everyone.
- Trent: Oh yeah. Bad idea.
- Grandmother: Janey.
- Jane: Yes Grandma?
- Grandmother: Come closer.
- Jane: Yes Grandma?
- Grandmother: Closer
- Jane: Yes Grandma?
- Grandmother: Closer
- Jane: Yes Grandma?
- Grandmother: What the hell is wrong with you!
The Misery Chick
- Mack: I know all about it. Jodie's giving the speech about the new goal post, remember?
- Kevin: Oh yeah! Does she need any help with ideas for that? Like, from a quarterback's point of view.
- Mack: Gee. I'll ask her. When there aren't any sharp objects around.
- Jodie: Good afternoon students, faculty, and distinguished alumni of Lawndale High. As a representative of your student council... Any ideas?
- Daria: It is my privilege today to once again send the message that learning is no substitute for winning.
- Jane: And that it's not how hard you study. It's how hard you play football.
- Kevin: Tommy Sherman!
- Tommy: That's the name. Don't wear it out.
- Daria: Look, wanna get some pizza?
- Jane: I'm going running.
- Daria: After?
- Jane: I don't know, it's going to be a long run.
- Sandi: So like what's your advice.
- Daria: Find some other way to feel. Then you won't feel sad. Good luck.
- Sandi: That's what I get for ten dollars? Are you kidding?
- Daria: See, it's working already.
- Sandi: Thanks.
Season 2
Arts 'n' Crass
- Jane: You know, nobody said the message had to be positive. I'm going to do something that really represents student life.
- Daria: Yes.
- Jane: And tell the truth about how much it can suck.
- Daria: Yes.
- Jane: To blow away the story-book fantasy about how great it is to be young.
- Daria: Yes.
- Jane: And you're going to help.
- Daria: No.
- Marianne: Helen? It's your daughter's teacher.
- Helen: Tell them I'll make sure Quinn turns in the assignment on Monday, oh and, try to find out what the assignment is and if you could get started making notes on it.
- Marianne: It's your other daughter, I think.
- Helen: Daria? Well then, tell them I'll talk to her about her attitude and try to find out who she insulted and what she said.
- Mr. O'Neill: Um, Brittany, I see the gang but I don't see anything representing "don't"
- Brittany: Oh yeah. Where's my lipstick? (leaves)
- Jane: And that's how good art becomes great art!
- Trent: You did the right thing, coming to me.
- Daria: Sorry we woke you up.
- Trent: Don't worry about it, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Alright, here's the plan. I'll set right here with my foot on the accelerator ready to burn rubber.
- Jane: Trent, pull over here and make sure you turn off the car in case you fall asleep okay?
- Trent: Alternate plan. Cool.
- Jodie: (walking up) What are you guys doing here?
- Daria: Observing.
- Jane: Innocently.
- Jodie: I can't believe what Ms. Li did to your poster. Wait a minute... What are you guys planning?
- Daria: Get lost Landon.
- Jane: It's for your own good.
- Daria: You've got a bright future kid.
- Jane: You don't want to be here when what's going to go down goes down.
- Ms. Li: Did you really think you were going to get away with it?
- Jane: Well, it would be stupid to say yes now.
The Daria Hunter
- Mr. DeMartino: And why are we going to engage in simulated combat? Daria.
- Daria: Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fellow students around the woods with toy guns?
- Brittany: Oh no, you're hit, you're out of the game.
- Jane: Damnit! Oh well.
- Brittany: Poor kid. She never had a chance.
- Daria: I can't shoot my own mother. Not with paint anyway.
- Daria: Ow!
- Jane: Sorry.
- Daria: What took you so long?
- Jane: I stopped to wipe out a village of farmers.
- Sandi: Gee, if everyone's on Quinn's side maybe Quinn should be president of the fashion club.
- Quinn: Don't be silly. I would never try to be president. As long as you were around.
- Tiffany: Oh no. You're way cuter.
Quinn the Brain
- Daria: Did you just spend two hours dressing up to go the door for one minute and dump your date?
- Quinn: Daria, if you look your best when you blow a guy off, it makes them feel like you care.
- Daria: Well, that advice should prove very helpful. Sometimes your shallowness is so thourough, it's almost like depth.
- Quinn: Thanks.
- Daria: (puts head in locker) Do me a favor will you?
- Jane: Yeah?
- Daria: Close my locker.
- Jane: I guess things are back to normal.
- Daria: Fashion... Good. Thinking... Bad.
- Jane: Yeah, we win.
- Daria: I'm on top of the world.
I Don't
- Jane: Oh Scarlet, you grow lovelier by the day.
- Daria: I will kill you. And bury your body, in this dress.
- Jake: I don't know why you didn't let me bring the golf clubs.
- Helen: Jake, we're here to see our family. Not to have fun.
- Mack: When you hear yourself talk, does it make sense to you?
- Kevin: Sometimes.
- Amy: I don't mind a few dents. But change the radio station and you're a dead man.
- Daria: We are now entering hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.
- Amy: I hate myself in a formal dress. And everyone else too.
- Amy: I have some vague memories of high school. But these days you all carry weapons, right?
- Daria: Well, not to formal occasions like this.
- Amy: That's where you kids make your mistake.
- Daria: Amy, is life always todry, stupid, and humilating, or is it just a phase?
- Amy: Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now.
That Was Then, This Is Dumb
- Helen: They're here! I hope they don't think I've changed too much.
- Daria: Just be yourself. That's what you've always told me.
- Helen: I could kick myself for that.
- Quinn: Daria, you can't leave me here with those, those... yuppies!
- Daria: Yuppies are from the 80s.
- Quinn: So what do you call people in funny outfits who talk about peace and love and stuff?
- Daria: Trekkies.
- Jane: Why are you staring at my brother?
- Daria: Selfless concern? I think he stopped breathing.
- Jane: Nah, he's entering a dormant stage. In about ten years he should emerge as a butterfly. I guess you're gonna wait.
- Trent: Hold over hippies?
- Daria: Yeah, they're big believers in the concept of voluntary simplicity.
- Trent: I gotta use that. Sounds much better than broke.
Monster
- Quinn: Don't you want to shoot me?
- Daria: Yes, I want to shoot you.
- Quinn: By the way, which is my best side? I know they're both good.
- Daria: Anything you say can and will be used against you. We've got our Quinn.
- Jane: That's a wrap.
- Daria: But a wrap skirt is a definate don't. Oh my god, did I just say that?
- Daria: Just promise me that if I start acting, talking, or thinking like Quinn, you'll do the right thing.
- Jane: If you don't respond to drug therapy, I'll authorize electric shock. By the way, your tweensy weensy pores look really cute today.
- Daria: But which is my best side, hmm? I know they're both good.
- Trent: Hey Daria.
- Jane: Did I forget to mention who drove me here?
- Quinn: I can't wait to see it. I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything. Not that I would.
- Daria: Perish the thought.
- Quinn: I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is? Because I sometimes think that. But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.
- Daria: Or anything else.
- Quinn: I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany and suddenly I'm outside of myself watching, and it's like, who are these girls? Can't they talk about anything besides guys, and clothes, and cars, but then, what would we talk about? You have to be good at something. You're good at your reading and writing and stuff and you're good at your little paintings.
- Jane: They are miniscule, aren't they.
- Quinn: I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at. Maybe it's not that important, but you know, it's what I can do. (leaves)
- Daria: Aw, hell.
- Jane: Yeah.
- Daria: I told her I'd give her the opportunity to show there was more to her than the surface Quinn. Turns out there isn't.
- Jane: And what exactly happened to the pore stuff? Our big finish?
- Daria: You know the conscience I don't have? It got to me.
- Jane: So you did the compassionate thing and look where it got you.
- Daria: She's more popular than ever. We set out to make an expose, it ends up a love letter.
- Jane: See, we're like artists. And this is how we screw ourselves.
The New Kid
- Jodie: Hey Daria. I didn't see you today. You said you might come to the photography meeting for yearbook.
- Daria: Yes, well, when the dentist turned off the gas I had a change of heart.
- Helen: Can't you talk to her Quinn? Why don't you set her up with one of your friends? They're all normal.
- Quinn: Yeah! And that's exactly why they would laugh me out of town if I tried.
- Daria: I should've known this wasn't a real date when Robert here kept calling me Darcy.
- Robert: Sorry ma'am.
- Daria: And ma'am. You were trying to buy my influence with a date?
- Quinn: That's how we do it in America, comrad.
Gifted
- Brittany: The Telltale Heart? I love romance novels!
- Daria: Yeah, nothing says "be mine" like a pounding heart beneath a floorboard.
- Helen: It's just a visit, Daria.
- Daria: That's what they told J.F.K.
- Narrator: At Grove Hills, you can contemplate Proust in our spacious dorm rooms, converse in Latin over a delicious meal...
- Daria: (whispers) Dump bodies into the river from our scenic bell tower.
- Tiffany: Does this make me look fat?
- Lara: They say high school's supposed to be the happiest time of your life.
- Daria: Only if your life is extremely short.
- Trent: Uh, who are you?
- Jane: You remember Quinn, Daria's sister?
- Trent: Oh, yeah. Daria's sister. Hey.
- Quinn: Excuse me, I have a name.
- Trent: Right. Daria's sister.
- Quinn: And then the other thing is, who came up with the name "tennis bracelet" anyway? It sounds like some kind of a sweatband, if you ask me. You know what I'd name them? Wrist ornaments. It's like a tree ornament, only for your wrist. Doesn't that sound festive?
- Jake: (frazzled) Take... her... now.
Ill
- Trent: Hello. We're Mystik Spiral. But we might change our name.
- Daria: So far, the tests are all negative, so probably nothing. Like I need this.
- Jane: What?
- Daria: A big, bright mysterious rash covering my skin.
- Jane: I know! And here you were, perfectly capable of alienating people on personality alone.
- Jodie: Oh, so you're a little red. It could happen to anybody. (looks at Mack) Well, it could happen to lots of people.
Fair Enough
- Ms. Li: Volunteers are desperately needed. Those who refuse to volunteer must voluntarily purchase a ticket for ten dollars or voluntarily face suspension. Have a nice day.
- Quinn: Hi, Sandi, Tiffany. Guess what?
- Sandi: You're transferring to a new school?
- Helen: I hope the other girls weren't too disappointed that you got the part over them.
- Quinn: Well, let's see. Sandi was really nice about it. She said she's too mature to get upset at somebody else's incredible, unbelievable, undeserved luck. And Brittany just kind of made noises.
- Daria: Thanks for meeting me here.
- Jane: Hey, I wanted to come, remember? Besides, I had to get out. Trent discovered a new chord.
- Tiffany: That's so wrong.
- Stacy: Then, do you think I should call him?
- Daria: Yes, right now. Before I commit justifiable homicide.
- (Stacy leaves)
- Jane: (robotically) Must-stick-head-cold-water.
See Jane Run
- Daria: See something you like or just browsing?
- Jane: I'm thinking about getting those running shoes.
- Daria: Uh-huh. What color were they?
- Jane: Whoever said life was fair?
- Daria: I don't know, but I'll bet he was a quarterback.
- Jane: You know, I'd really like to show that Ms. Morris that the Lanes are no bunch of ordinary deadbeats.
- Daria: Of course not. You're deadbeats with style.
- Tiffany: Quinn, your cousin or whatever sure spends a lot of time at your house.
- Quinn: Yes, well, um, she has nowhere else to go, what with her parents being in jail and all.
Pierce Me
- Jane: Where are you going?
- Trent: Who are you? Mom?
- Jane: No, Mom would never ask where you're going.
- Trent: Exactly.
- Quinn: We have to win.
- Helen: But it's not a competitive event.
- Quinn: Oh, it will be.
- Quinn: That'll be good on me. That's cute for me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Possible Mom. Me. Me. (giggles)
- Jane: (teasing) Oh, dear, our little girl's becoming a woman.
- Daria: Shut up.
- Jane: Don't you get it, Daria? You did something stupid for a guy. Gee, you may join the human race after all.
Write Where It Hurts
- Jake: (shouts) Helen! Helen! What's the number for 911?!
- Jane: So, how's the story coming? Or does it disturb you if I talk while you're writing?
- Daria: It would disturb me if I were actually doing any writing.
- Jane: What's the problem? Take people you know and have them do whatever you want. I'd make them crawl, I tell you. Crawl!
- Daria: We should at least tell her about that eight-lane highway they built outside the house during the night.
- Quinn: Hi. You know where Grandma's TV is. Go watch something educational. (kids scamper into living room) Boy, I'm exhausted.
- SSW Announcer: Breast implants for chickens...
- Quinn and Daria: Not that!
- Jane: Daria, do you think... someday... I can read your story?
- Daria: No. But you can read the one where you run away with Kevin.
- Jane: What?!
Season 3
Through a Lens Darkly
- Daria: I almost killed a dog yesterday.
- Jane: Gonna work your way up to humans slowly?
- Quinn: I always knew this day would come and wondered how it would be. Yet, now that it has, I feel strangely... serene. Sit down, Daria. I can help you.
- Daria: Who said I need help?
- Quinn: Daria, if we're to make any progress at all you must be absolutely honest with me. Now, when did you first begin to suspect that your outfit sucked?
- Mr. O'Neill: Now, when he shed his regal vestments and began dressing as if he had no money, a very funny thing happened to the prince. What was that? Kevin?
- Kevin: He became the poor guy formerly known as the prince?
- Trent: Hey, Daria, looks good. (drives away)
- Jane: Now, watch out for the girl with the red face who's forgotten how to walk. Oh, never mind. That's you.
- Upchuck: Sweet Daria, you don't have to resort to a ruse to get into my personal space. All you need to do is ask.
- Daria: Your personal space is the final frontier, Upchuck. One where I intend never to boldly go. (walks away)
- Upchuck: You'll be back. They all come back.
- Jane: Name two. (walks away)
- Upchuck: I could!
The Old and the Beautiful
- Mr. DeMartino: Uh, Ms. Li, I wonder if I might-
- Ms. Li: Forget it! I've already told you: no staff resignations while class is in session.
- Brittany: Daria, this is my stepmom, Ashley-Amber. Do you recognize her?
- Daria: I think so, but it's so hard to remember your childhood nightmares clearly.
- Daria: What about that squeak you do?
- Brittany: (squeaking) What squeak?
- Daria: Please, God, an aneurysm.
- Jane: For them or for you?
- Daria: Both.
- Sandi: They may be poor but that doesn't mean they should be unfashionable.
- Stacy: Right.
- Tiffany: Totally.
- Daria: They may be shallow but that doesn't mean they should be executed.
- Jane: Yes, it does.
- Daria: Very well, I'm sold.
Depth Takes a Holiday
- St. Patrick's Day: Not another step, lassie.
- Daria: All right, I'll sign.
- Cupid: What?
- Daria: Your petition for an alternative lifestyles parade. Where's the pen?
- Cupid: Everything is cool. Everything is love, baby. And the next word out of your mouth will be that particular someone who makes you feel like Queen Cleopatra.
- Daria: Trent?
- St. Patrick's Day: Oh, shut up, you bloody... (Cupid drops him) idiot!
- Quinn: What was that?
- Daria: My imaginary friend fell down.
- Quinn: God, Daria. Even your imaginary friends are embarrassing.
- Quinn: It's no fair making a popular person compete with a new baby.
- Sandi: Really. They're so cute when they smile at you. "Hello, precious."
- Quinn: Sandi!
- Sandi: Oh, sorry.
- St. Patrick's Day: You see, Daria, you really had a wonderful life.
- Daria: What the hell are you talking about?
- Jane: This is just like a high school.
- Daria: You know, I get the feeling we'll be saying that all our lives.
- St. Patrick's Day: It only seems like high school. Actually, it's much worse.
- Jane: That's what we'll be saying all our lives.
Daria Dance Party
- Brittany: Jane, your picture's full of bloody people! That's not a still life!
- Jane: Sure it is. The blood's the reason they're so still.
- Jake: Charity bloodsuckers!
- Daria: No, it's the fashion bloodsuckers.
- Sandi: You're kidding! I forgot all about the dance. Gee, that's too, too bad.
- Mr. O'Neill: Um, Janet... I mean, Miss Janet. Ooh! No! That is...
- Ms. Barch: Come on, skinny, let's dance!
- Brett: We travel around on weekends trying to find a high school more screwed up than ours.
- Jane: And?
- Brad: Congratulations. Your trophy will arrive in six to ten business days.
- Quinn: How come you guys aren't at Sandi's party?
- Jamie: It, um...
- Joey: Sucked.
- Jamie: Sucked.
- Quinn: Gee, that's too, too bad.
- Daria: Let's do the math one more time. Your dance decorations were a huge hit.
- Jane: Plus.
- Daria: But my sister managed to take complete credit for them.
- Jane: Minus.
- Daria: We hung out with a couple of guys who weren't so bad.
- Jane: Plus.
- Daria: But they turned out to be carriers of the dreaded Ruttheimer gene.
- Jane: Big minus.
- Daria: So, we're more or less even on the night.
- Jane: Darn. And it came so close to turning out semi-decent.
- (They see the three members of the Fashion Club still outside while snow is starting to fall.)
- Both: Plus!
The Lost Girls
- Daria: Welcome to Lawndale, where style meets substance and says, "see ya!"
- Quinn: Um, was she a little old for that outfit?
- Daria: She's a little old for that brain.
- Daria: It's School Colors Day. Just a random event inspired by school spirit. It's got nothing to do with your visit, which, of course, is a huge secret.
- Val: You should have told me! I want to fit in while I'm here.
- Daria: Therein lies the difference between us.
- Val: How about doing a cheer for America's coolest young women, my readers?
- Brittany: Um, okay. Give me a "V"! Give me an "A"! Give me an "L"... gosh, that's short.
- Val: Waterproof eye makeup is so important, Dar. And glitter -- I'm really into glitter these days. It makes everyone feel like a star. Are you getting this, Dar? Why don't you read me back your notes?
- Daria: Okay. "What am I doing here? How am I going to get through this? Dear God, help me."
It Happened One Nut
- Mr. DeMartino: My congratulations, Miss Lane. You've done it again.
- Jane: Perfect record. I've gotten the same thing three years in a row.
- Daria: Accountant?
- Jane: That's what happens when you fill in the letter "C" for every answer. Gets the whole test over within five minutes.
- Quinn: Does anyone notice anything special about me?
- Daria: Yes. From just the right angle, I really can see through your head.
- Tiffany: You... too... can learn to... make...
- Jane: Misery loves company.
- Daria: You don't have to tell me that. It's the basis of our whole friendship.
- Jesse: Moth to a flame.
- Both: Hey...
- Trent: You've hijacked my brain.
- Jesse: Moth to a flame.
- Trent: If you don't release me...
- Jesse: It'll really be lame.
- Trent: No.
- Jesse: I'll forfeit the game.
- Trent: Nah.
- Jesse: My soul's waves of grain.
- Trent: I've heard that somewhere before.
- Jane: You're driving me insane!
- Trent: Too many syllables.
- Jane: Hey, look! Monster trucks and naked models. Naked, naked, naked!
Daria!
- Daria: Oh me, oh my. A lovely day is dawning. Oh, what a joy I didn't wake up dead. So I can go to school and then resume my yawning, and get my sleep in class instead of in my bed.
- Jamie: Are we all going to die?
- Ms. Li: Not on school property!
- Daria: Let's head down. I want to live to see what this place looks like after it's obliterated.
- Jane: You know, being a post-apocalyptic town is going to be cool. Other towns will be scared of us.
- Daria: I'm sure they already are.
- Theresa: Sorry, ladies, the store's closing. The hurricane.
- Sandi: Let's get out of here while there's still time to walk. Running for your life is so geeky.
- Tiffany: Oh, no. Wind... hair.
- Daria: My parents are probably starting to worry.
- Jane: I know mine would be, if they were in town.
- Daria: What about Trent? I'll bet he's upset.
- Jane: I'll bet he's snoring.
- Jake: C'mon, Trent! Your daughter and my sister are out there.
- Trent: That doesn't sound right.
Lane Miserables
- Vincent: Oh, honey? Don't drink from that big bottle in the kitchen; it's silver nitrate.
- Jane: It's poisonous?
- Vincent: Yeah, and I need it for my prints.
- Amanda: You know, if you try to hold a butterfly tightly in your hand, it will die. You have to let it go. And if it comes back, it is truly yours, but if doesn't, it never really was.
- Jane: (quietly) How about if you tear off its precious little wings?
- Vincent: Your mom and I find role-playing a super way to work out conflicts. We also enjoy hitting each other with large foam rubber bats.
- Wind: I'd do it, but Katie isn't here.
- Vincent: Well, I'll be Katie. Trent, would you mind being the flirtatious girl at the check-out counter?
- Trent: Uh, I gotta go sharpen my guitar pick.
- Amanda: Courtney and Adrian are coming for a visit. Isn't that great?
- Trent: Does Summer know?
- Amanda: She should, shouldn't she?
- Trent: Well, she's kind of their mother.
- Trent: Have you seen Janey?
- Amanda: No, hon. But if you find her, tell her I said hi.
- Jane: Look! A ducky!
- Helen: Trent, would you like to stay here tonight?
- Daria: Eep!
- (everyone stares)
- Daria: What?
- Quinn: Listen, Daria, I always say that just because a guy has a girlfriend, it doesn't mean he's off-limits. Unless you're the girlfriend. By "you" I mean me, of course. Remember that.
- Trent: We don't really have any rules at our house. Right, Janey?
- Jane: Well, there's that one about not building a fire in the rooms that don't have fireplaces.
Jake of Hearts
- Spatula Man: Hey, Lawndale High! Are you ready to par-tay crazy?
- Jane: What the hell is that?
- Daria: If it's an ice cream truck, that better be some damn good ice cream.
- Daria: So, my grandmother Ruth will be staying with us while my dad recovers.
- Jane: Is this the grandmother who said she'd give you 100 bucks if you changed your hair?
- Daria: Both my grandmothers said that.
- Upchuck: Charles is my name, exploring the dark underbelly of passion is my game.
- Jane: A date for a bumper sticker?
- Jodie: Even Upchuck doesn't deserve this much humiliation.
- Daria: Think how the bumper sticker must feel.
- Sandi: Tiffany, dear. Would you please explain to the Spatula Man why a bumper sticker cannot possibly compensate for the shame and permanent reputation damage involved in a single date with Charles Ruttheimer.
- Tiffany: Upchuck? Eww...
Speedtrapped
- Quinn: Good, they're gone. We're all alone.
- Daria: Uh, excuse me, but I'm here.
- Quinn: Oh, all right, you can stay. But if you could be really, really quiet, that would be great.
- Daria: I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm letting you do this. I can't believe we're doing this. Hey, when did you learn to drive?
- Quinn: God, Daria, what do you think people do on dates?
- Quinn: What's wrong?
- Daria: A cute cowboy stole our money!
- (commercial bumper music begins, then is interrupted)
- Quinn: Um, actually, that's not entirely true.
- Quinn: Oh, Daria. Are we that desperate that we have to resort to the truth?
- Daria: When this is all over, remind me to run screaming into the night.
- Quinn: We'll be through the criminal justice system and home in time for Buffy. Good thinking, Daria!
- Daria: Shut up, Shorty.
The Lawndale File
- Jane: "Different," eh? Hmm... I wonder what I get if I turn you in?
- Daria: More free time to spend with Kevin and Brittany.
- Jane: Curse you different ones and your insidious logic.
- Jane: A lot of weirdness around here lately.
- Daria: Yeah. I won't be sorry to see this day end.
- Jane: You say that every day.
- Daria: Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalker. Yes, a stalker out to plant a teen in a shallow grave. Perfectly normal. I feel much better now.
- Tiffany: We're dressed this way for Fashion Club solidarity.
- Sandi: One of us has a problem. That's all you need to know.
- Mr. O'Neill: Oh, dear! What kind of problem?
- Sandi: A private problem.
- Stacy: It's a neck zit!
- Quinn: Stacy!
- Tiffany: Don't worry, Quinn. They still don't know it's you.
- (Quinn screams and runs off)
- Stacy: Uh-oh.
- Tiffany: Did I say the wrong thing?
- Sandi: Don't worry about it.
- Jane: So you finally convinced your dad that you're not a communist?
- Daria: Yeah, I'm showing him how much I love money by hitting him up for it every chance I get.
Just Add Water
- Jane: How can you eat that meat loaf? Don't those little colored pieces scare you?
- Daria: We only go around once... I hope.
- Jodie: You guys are hopeless.
- Daria: Damn it, she saw right through our facade of hopefulness.
- Jane: She's the 12th person today.
- Mr. DeMartino: Ms. Li, I implore you...!
- Ms. Li: Please, Mr. DeMartino! I haven't heard anyone try so hard to squirm out of a school event since Helen Morgendorffer made up that ridiculous excuse about being allergic to crepe paper.
- Mr. DeMartino: Daria, take my chips.
- Daria: Excuse me?
- Mr. DeMartino: You know, as a thank you for making me want to kill myself a little less than the processed sausages who call themselves your classmates.
- Jane: You're not one of those "young people are our greatest hope" guys, are you?
- Tiffany: I wonder where Quinn could be?
- Sandi: Tiffany, grooming facilities on these vessels are very primitive. She and Marco are probably fighting over mirror space.
- Sandi: Poor Quinn. I can't believe she's been (raises voice) stood up.
Jane's Addition
- Jane: Isn't "exciting assignment" a contradiction in terms?
- Daria: I don't know. Let's ask our inspiring instructor.
- Jane: I have a good feeling about this multimedia thing, teammate.
- Daria: That's the nastiest name anyone's ever called me.
- Trent: We're Mystik Spiral. We'll be back for a second set.
- Jesse: This was the first set!
- Trent: Uh, yeah.
- Tom: Mm, very nice. You like convertibles?
- Jane: Sofas?
- Tom: Cars.
- Jane: Why, you got one?
- Tom: Um... no, but the roof of my car is rusting through.
- Max: Look, when I'm going foom-foom-foom-foom, what damn good does it do to have you going badda-dah, badda-dah, badda-dah, blat?
- Nick: It's not blat, Max -- it's blam.
- Trent: I got to get back before Max and Nicholas kill each other.
- Daria: Yeah. You don't want to miss that.
- Daria: You and Jane aren't really morning people, are you?
- Trent: Hey, the night holds the key.
- Daria: The key to what?
- Trent: I don't know, Daria. It's early.
- Daria: What are you doing here?
- Tom: Those really good friends of mine -- they totally blew me off.
- Daria: I really hope he makes it as a musician 'cause I can't think of any other job he could hold down.
- Tom: I don't know -- you know those farmers that get paid not to grow anything?
- Trent: Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late.
- Daria: How do you know? You don't wear a watch.
- Trent: I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me.
- Daria: You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense.
Season 4
Partner's Complaint
- Helen: No, no, absolutely not! It's unethical, it's immoral, it may well be illegal. I'll have no part of it. Okay, I'll do it.
- Mack: (sighs) Why didn't I pay my dad back in third grade?
- Brittany: I'm here with my friend Jane, who respects my intelligence.
- Jane: She's embellishing a little.
- Trent: Hey, Janey. Hey, Da... (sees Brittany) Whoa!
- Brittany: Go on, tell us, Mack.
- Mack: Could everyone stop saying my name like that? It's creeping me out.
Antisocial Climbers
- Jane: I had a bad experience on that hill with the Girl Scouts. We kept marching and singing and marching and singing about some freak named John Jacob Jingleheimer somebody.
- Daria: You were a Girl Scout?
- Jane: Not after the deprogramming.
- Helen: I gave you life, Daria; I can take it away.
- Quinn: And, it comes with a matching snakebite kit.
- Tiffany: But... why would you bite a snake?
- Sandi: You don't understand, Tiffany, dear. The woods are full of slimy, cold-blooded creatures. Isn't that right, Quinn?
- Ms. Li: The fool! He'll never make it down in his condition. I'm going after him.
- Jane: Wow, that's kind of heroic.
- Daria: He's got her video camera.
- Jane: Oh, yeah.
- Mack: Mr. DeMartino sent me and Kevin out to find you.
- Ms. Li: And where is Kevin?
- Mack: Um...
- Ms. Li: Never mind.
- Mack: Okay.
A Tree Grows in Lawndale
- Daria: Gee, this won't end badly.
- Jane: You know, we are the ones who told him to get a motorcycle.
- Daria: Hey, if we told him to jump off a bridge, would he do that?
- Jane: Dunno. We'll try that next time.
- Daria: You know, if you break up Brittany's attempt at thought, it looks like a Mystik Spiral song.
- Jane: (grabs Daria's notepad) "Armpits have feelings, but not for me. Now what do I do with lips emp-ty?" Eh. Are you sure you don't want to replace "lips" with "skull?"
- Daria: It's a work in progress.
- Mr. O'Neill: You're being judgmental, Daria. And you know what they say: judge and you get mental.
- Daria: And you know what I say.
- Jane: Life sucks and then you die?
- Mack: Come on, man, it's just a sprained knee. You gotta play. The team needs you.
- Kevin: No, it doesn't. The only team that needs me is the one that sits all the time: the chess team.
- Mack: But you don't even know how to play chess.
- Kevin: Oh, yeah? King me, king me, king me!
Murder, She Snored
- Brittany: Kevvy? What's that A doing on your paper?
- Jake: Hey kiddo! How was your day?
- Daria: Fine. I heard a new voice inside my head and Kevin stole a test so everyone's getting an F.
- Jake: That's great!
- Helen: Daria, you were just kidding about the voice, right?
- Daria: (to herself) Relax. We don't have to answer that.
- Ms. Li: Miss Morgendorffer, it is my duty to inform you that you are the number one suspect in the murder of Kevin Thompson.
- Daria: What?
- Jane: It's always the quiet ones.
- Mack: What can I say about Kevin? That he was... well, he was... um... he never made anyone feel stupid. Thank you very much.
- Ms. Barch: I'd just like to say that I'm glad Kevin is dead. I wish all males were dead. Thank you and go Lions.
The F Word
- Mr. O'Neill: So class, your assignment is to pick something you know you'll fail at, to prove that failing isn't the end of the world.
- Daria: There goes my motivation.
- Jane: Relax. At least he's not making us guess people's identities by feeling their hands.
- Daria: Again.
- Jane: So like, do I look conventional or whatever?
- Mr. O'Neill: Okay then. Jodie?
- Jodie: I failed to convince my mother and father to let me have this summer off.
- Mr. O'Neill: Excellent! And see, you've learned that failure isn't so bad now, is it?
- Jodie: No, I've learned that my parents would rather I dropped from exhaustion than missed the opportunity to shred some congresman's incriminating phone bills.
- Kevin: I'm the QB -- no more.
- Jane: Cheer cheer cheer, yell yell yell. Who cares who wins, we're all going to hell.
- Jodie: Come on, look at her. Is that the face of a thinker?
I Loathe a Parade
- Tad: I also like it when they throw candy from the floats.
- Daria: Since when do you eat candy? You told me it was poison.
- Tad: Oh, it is, but every piece I catch is one cavity some other boy or girl will never get. That's what makes it so rewarding.
- Tom: It is a stunning array of pod people. It's times like these I'm glad I don't go to your school.
- Daria: Uh-huh. And I suppose your ivy-choked prep school is any better? Wait a minute. Was I just defending Lawndale?
- Tom: You know, I think you were.
- Daria: We never had this conversation.
- Tom: What conversation?
- Tad: That product was tested on bunnies and kitties!
- Quinn: It was?!
- Sandi: Duh... that's why we use it. So those cute animals didn't suffer in vain.
- Tad: You're a mean old witch.
- Sandi: I am not old!
- Tad: You don't respect other species' rights.
- Sandi: Shove it, veggie boy.
- Tom: It's like the Hindenburg.
- Daria: Oh, the lack of humanity.
- Tom: Thanks for getting lost in the moment with me.
- Daria: I can't believe it. It's Mr. O'Neill.
- Tom: And he would have gotten away with it if it weren't for us meddling kids.
- Sandi: We can't just stay here forever. The same people have been staring at us for too long.
- Tiffany: It's like looking into the sun. It's like, really pretty? But if you do it for too long, you get wrinkles.
- Stacy: Yeah. It kind of hurts, too.
Of Human Bonding
- Helen: No dating while we're out of town.
- Quinn: Mo-om!
- Helen: The boys of Lawndale will just have to suffer.
- Helen: This is very nice of you Sandi.
- Sandi: My pleasure. I like to give back to the community Helen.
- Quinn: Helen? Oh, when will it end, when will it end?
- Helen: Now Sandi, a frackle or a line here or there is no sin. A few lines in a woman's face show character.
- Sandi: Hm.
- Helen: Except for the mean little one some people get at the corner of their mouth from scowling too much.
- Sandi: Shell I pluck your eyebrow now?
- Stacy: (punching her pillow) No-matter-what-I-do, pillow-hair!
Psycho Therapy
- Quinn: A spa? Great, I need a facial so bad.
- Daria: Don't get excited. This says it's a spa for the soul. Didn't you sell yours a while back?
- Doctor: Now remember: no sudden movements.
- Daria: Uh oh. Four flew into the cuckoo's nest.
- Helen: Excuse me, but what's going on here?
- Doctor: We analyzed your daughter's questionnaire and, well, we're a little concerned.
- Helen: (reading) Favorite pass time. Changing water into wine?
- Daria: I knew I should have gone with the burning bush.
- Doctor: We think it might be best to put her under a little thing we call intensive observation.
- Quinn: About time.
- Jake: Wait a minute. There's nothing wrong with Daria.
- Quinn: Yeah. She's always like this.
- Quinn: Excuse me, I think I hear an accent.
- Doctor: Why don't you be Daria?
- Quinn: Oh God, just throw me in front of a train, why don't you.
- Doctor: Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Give it a try.
- Quinn: I just did.
- Doctor: Oh.
- Daria: I am not suicidal.
- Doctor: All right Daria. Now can you be Quinn?
- Daria: Okay, now I'm suicidal.
- Helen: Everybody hates me.
- Quinn: Are you being Daria now?
Mart of Darkness
- Quinn: (on the phone) Oh no, oh my God, oh no. Accesory emergency Stacy, I have to go. No Stacy it's not you. It's not. It's not! Okay fine, it is you, bye!
Legends of the Mall
- Quinn: But he's suposed to pick us up at the mall.
- Daria: He's discussing that with the car right now. But the car seems to be saying you're taking the bus.
- Quinn : The what?
- Daria: The bus. It's like a bigger car only with old man sleeping sitting up. At least I hope they're sleeping.
- Tiffany: I can't believe no guy would give us a ride.
- Stacy: Maybe we shouldn't make them wait in the car anymore while we shop. Remember last summer when Jeffy got all dehydrated and his tongue was hanging out and stuff?
- Jane: Shallow graves for shallow people.
- Sandi: Excuse me, but this isn't my street.
- The driver: No problem. Just click your heels and say there is no place like home. Only do it outside. This is the end of the line.
- Sandi: Tiffany dear, eyelid consuming monsters simply do not exist.
Groped by an Angel
- Quinn: (to her "angel") So there was a reason for this after all. Thank you.
- Daria: There's no commision involved here, is there?
- Stacy: You know I was thinking, if people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda either?
- Tifany: But then how do they stay thin?
- Sandi: Stacy, you were what?
- Stacy: Nothing.
- Ashley Amber: Gee, I don't remember seeing you guys before. Are you friends of Brittany?
- Jane: Brittany?
- Ashley Amber: You know, the one who this party is for.
- Daria: Party?
- Ashley Amber: Yes, party. For Brittany. Becouse she's becoming an honor student.
- Jane: Brittany?
- Trent: Thank you. We're, um... never mind who we are.
Fire!
- Daria: Relax. She's in the bathroom, marveling at it's many wonders.
- Bobby: Cool. Hey, is Quinn, you know, seeing anyone?
- Daria: Just a dermatologist for that rash.
- Trent: Can't. Practise starts at seven.
- Jane: Trent -- it's nine.
- Trent: Hm. I'd better head out.
- Quinn: Mo-om! He's not a stalker, he's just enthusiastic!
- Quinn: You mean... I almost went out with....
- The detecive: That's right.
- Quinn: A computer geek?!
- Trent: Hey Daria. Have you seen Janey? I think one of us was supposed to give the othere one a ride somewhere.
Dye! Dye! My Darling
- Quinn: Well, you know what I tell myself. Quinn, if not you, who? If not now, when?
- Daria: If not leave, puke.
- Helen: Look, our entire strategy depends on you analyzing those printouts before the weekend. I don't care if your mother's getting married! I don't care if your mother's getting executed! Do you understand?!
- Daria: Do you want to come in?
- Tom: No! There are girls in there rubbing stuff on each other's cheeks and making animal noises. I got kind of scared.
- Daria: That's just the opening rites of the Blushathon. At least you got out before the rhythmic chanting.
- Tom: Oh, yeah, I think I saw that on the Discovery Channel.
- Daria: Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!
- Tom: I liked it, too.
- Daria: I kissed your boyfriend.
Season 5
Fizz Ed
- Mr. O'Neill: Darn budget.
- Jane: Mr. O'Neill!
- Mr. O'Neill: Sorry!
- Jane: You owe me hugely for making me miss the biggest football game of the year.
- Daria: You hate football.
- Jane: Hey! Don't try any of your twisty-turny mind games on me, Morgendorffer.
- Daria: And all you have to do for it is name your firstborn after Ultra Cola.
- Kevin: What?
- Jane: You weren't going to call him Kevin Junior, were you?
- Brittany: Oh, Kevvy, I hope you're not disappointed.
- Kevin: Ultra... Ultra Thompson. "Now starting for the Miami Dolphins at quarterback, Ultra... Cola... Thompson. Hooray!" Yeah, it's cool.
- Daria: Do you think I complain a lot?
- Tom: What are you bitching about now?
- Ms. Barch: Class, there's been a change in our lesson plan. Today we'll discuss the planets' relative distance from the sun.
- Upchuck: But we did that two weeks ago, Ms. B.
- Ms. Barch: And now we're going to do it again, Charles. Unless you wish to spend the period in independent study?
- Upchuck: (shivers) No... not the closet.
- Mack: Ms. Li, are you sure you want to do this?
- Ms. Li: Just what are you saying, Mr. MacKenzie? It's unethical? Immoral? In direct conflict with my role as an educator?
- Mack: Well, yeah, but mostly I was thinking I'm the only one on the team who can count by halves.
- Ms. Li: Ah. I love the smell of cola in the morning.
Sappy Anniversary
- Daria: Hmm... lot of flowers. And chocolates. Did you come down with a debilitating illness and forget to share the good news?
- Quinn: Daria, it's not like I ask guys to buy me presents. I merely suggest.
- Daria: Uh, well... Tom and I have been going out for about six months, and...
- Helen: Oh. Um... Daria, sometimes we may think we're ready for something and it won't change anything but we're really not and it changes everything and in the rush to grow up we sometime forget how precious are the fleeting years before adulthood's cares...
- Daria: It's not about sex.
- Helen: Thank God! I mean, "Oh, I see."
- Daria: But what if he forgets your anniversary altogether?
- Helen: Show no mercy.
- Jane: And always let your conscience be your...
- Daria: Oh, shut up!
Fat Like Me
- Daria: You know, these little bets have cost you 40 clams so far. If I had a self-image, I'd think you were bribing me to be your friend.
- Jane: Bet you the whole 40 I'm not.
- Jane: Did I hear right? The death of the Fashion Club? That at last the people shall be free?
- Daria: Not likely. That club's like a hydra. You cut off one airhead, two more grow back.
- Quinn: Before we begin the meeting, I have an announcement to make. Sandi has resigned from the Fashion Club.
- Stacy: Quinn, that's terrible! Not that we shouldn't respect her decision.
- Tiffany: Yeah, that's awful... oh, well.
- Tiffany: Long live the Quinn! Hey...!
- Sandi: (panting) Can't... I... rest?
- Quinn: Did Cleopatra rest when she was inventing mascara? Did Neferiti rest when she was posing for statues? Did Helen of Troy rest when she was doing whatever it was she did? Beauty never rests! Now, swim, you cow, swim!
- Sandi: What?!
- Quinn: Sorry - coach talk.
- Tiffany: Stacy, what time is the Fashion Club meeting today?
- Stacy: There is no meeting.
- Tiffany: How co...
- Stacy: How come?! Because I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of doing all the work while you just sit there. I tried my best, and even if it wasn't as good as Sandi's or Quinn's, a chain is only as strong as its weakest round thingy, and you refused to lift one freakin' finger! I'm through running the Fashion Club all by myself while you (imitates Tiffany) stare... in the mirror... and talk... about yourself... (normal voice) and I, I, I quit!
- Tiffany: Hmm, maybe I should quit, too.
Camp Fear
- Trent: Hey.
- Jane: Let me guess. You woke up at 4 this afternoon and couldn't get back to sleep.
- Trent: It's not just that.
- Skip: Hey, what are you doing?
- Daria: Hunting for my dinner. And I only kill when I plan to eat.
- Daria: Why don't you go find a quiet corner somewhere and practise being an individual for a while?
- Daria: Please don't say my name.
- Emilia: ...Daria Morgendorffer.
- (no response from the crowd)
- Emilia: You know, the weird kid?
The Story of D
- Quinn: I know! How about a new mirror to replace that awfull one in the girls bathroom that adds at least two pounds.
- Stacy: I hate that mirror.
- Tiffany: It haunts me.
- Quinn: Why don't we do what we do best?
- Sandi: Quinn, no one is going to pay us to eat carrot sticks.
- Jane: He meant well. For a teacher who does nothing well.
- Daria: I'm reminded of my father.
- Jane: What? Why?
- Daria: Because I can't get the phrase "damn idiot teachers with their damn idiot brains" out of my head.
- Stacy: So everyone just ignore everything you've read.
- (the guys just look at her)
- Quinn: You didn't read it at all, did you?
- (the guys shake treir heads)
- Tiffany: Being an author sucks.
Lucky Strike
- Ms. Li: (over P.A.) Students of Lawndale High, your attention, please.
- Jane: Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again?
- Daria: No. Satan's voice is lower and he has an English accent.
- Mrs. Stoller: Posture, Cubie, posture.
- Quinn: And my Language Arts substitute wouldn't stop talking about this stupid novel he's writing!
- Helen: Mm-hmm...
- Quinn: About some professor who dates a budding child woman because he wants to blossom her.
- Helen: Mm-hmm...
- Quinn: And then he started acting out his stupid book for us, stroking Tiffany's hair and telling her about his anguished soul...
- Helen: Mm-hmm... what?! He was stroking Tiffany's hair?!
- Quinn: I know! Like Tiffany would ever date someone who wore a tweed jacket.
- Devil Daria: Not so fast. You'll get out of gym class.
- Angel Daria: You? A scab?
- Devil Daria: Oh, great. Touched by an angel.
- Angel Daria: You'd be betraying your teachers.
- Devil Daria: Hey, yeah! You'd be betraying your teachers!
- Angel Daria: You'd just be falling into the same trap that managements always use to keep wages low and workers weak.
- Devil Daria: Oh, go dance on the head of a pin. You could make Quinn's life really miserable.
- Angel Daria: Huh. That's a good point.
- Devil Daria: Hey, you hungry?
- Angel Daria: Yeah, we can pick this up later.
- Jane: Well, what do you know? Trent's actually on time to pick us up. And all I had to do was set his clock ahead four hours.
- Trent (singing): "Your salary offends me, your health plan..."
- Mr. O'Neill: "Doesn't mend me?"
- Trent: You know, if you're not going to take this seriously, we can just stop right now.
- Daria: Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else?
- Joey: Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights.
- Daria: Hmm. Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare.
- Jeffy: Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker. He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows.
- Daria: Romeo and Juliet.
- Sandi: An essay test?
- Stacy: 200 words?
- Tiffany: Think...?
- Mack: What a surprise. An "A" and a silver star.
- Jodie: Don't get too full of yourself. I got a gold star.
- Sandi: (gasps) Did you hear that? Oh, my gosh! Quinn just admitted that weird girl is her sister!
- Stacy: Well, um, of course she is, Sandi. We knew that.
- Tiffany: We were just being polite about it.
- Ms. Li: (dazed) People of Mars! I mean, students of Lawndale High. This is your leader... um, principal. What was I saying? Oh! The teachers... the teachers... the strike's over! Your teachers will be back tomorrow! Good ni... day.
Art Burn
- Jane: Money. Money, money. I love money. I'd shovel it down my throat if I could.
- Daria: You're kidding, right?
- Jane: Of course, Daria. I'd chew it slowly and stop when I felt full.
- Garry: Quit? You can't quit Garry's Gallery.
- Jane: No, that's the mafia.
- Jane: Money's not the issue here.
- Garry: I'll increase your cut to sixty percent.
- Jane: Money is the issue here.
- Helen: Look Tiffany, you can't sue the caricature artist! Nor can you have him disbarged, deported, imprisoned or grounded! Do you understand?
- Tiffany: Of course. You don't have to yell.
- Helen: You're right Tiffany, I'm sorry.
- Tiffany: We need someone to break his fingers.
One J at a Time
- Jane: Well, I don't think you're giving Tom enough credit. He never said an unkind word to my parents.
- Daria: He never met your parents.
- Jane: Oh yeah. I don't suppose you could get your father to go off to Greece for six months to sketch the sunset.
- Tiffany: This is the hardest and most important decision you'll ever have to make.
- Quinn: I know! Stacy, do you still have that magic eightball?
- Quinn: Hi Jeffy, I mean, uh, Jeffy-lube.
- Jeffy: Um, hey Quinn.
- Quinn: I need to talk to you about our cemetary plots, but not now.
- Quinn: Oh! I can't believe Jeffy just deserted me like that! I'll never have a boyfriend, I'll never be in a relationship like you and Tom, I'm a complete failure! (runs off crying)
- Daria: Hm. Do I do the sisterly thing and consolt her? Oh look, rolls.
- Helen: Oh my, where is everyone?
- Daria: Dad, Tom and Jeffy are outside trying to catch a squirrell and Quinn's in her room crying.
- Helen: Why? What happened?
- Daria: Male bonding, I guess.
- Helen: Daria! How could you mislead your sister like that?
- Daria: Mother. How could I not?
- Quinn: So it's allright not to have a steady boyfriend?
- Helen: Of course it's allright.
- Quinn: Okay. I'm going to go dump Jeffy now.
Life in the Past Lane
- Jane: Hey, if I didn't have the nerve to pick up guys, you wouldn't have a boyfriend.
- Daria: Oh great. I'm not going to have to date this guy now, am I?
- Jane and Tom: Hey!
- Nathan: But first, hair check.
- Nathan: I mean, the sixties are over.
- Trent: The forties were over first.
- Quinn: She hardly didn't eat anything at lunch. Did that make sense?
- Tiffany: I got it.
- Stacy: Oh Sandi, you're so naive.
Aunt Nauseam
- Rita: Mom thought she could use a week at the spa, to calm her nerves. Wasn't that thoughtful?
- Helen: That's mom, always thinking of her grandchildren. (quietly) One of them anyway.
- Rita: Even if I did have a job, I sure couldn't possibly meet with your approval.
- Helen: I guess we'll never find that out, will we?
- (Amy approaches)
- Amy: Ah, another Kodak moment with the Barksdales.
- Helen: Oh, Amy!
- Rita: Come here!
- (both women hold out their arms for a group hug)
- Amy: (to Daria) I blame you for this.
- Tom: Anyway, what about a movie tonight?
- Daria: I can't. I promised Quinn I'd watch "Gone With the Wind" with her.
- (Tom starts laughing, then trails off when he realizes Daria is serious)
- Tom: Okay, that freaks me out and scares me.
- Daria: I'll make you a deal. The only weapon I'll use against you will be my winning personality and the only weapon you'll use against me will be your mercyless silent treatment.
- Quinn: Silent treatment? I never... ha. Deal.
Prize Fighters
My Night at Daria's
- Jodie: Hey. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of as long as you're responsible.
- Daria: So then you and Mack have... been responsible?
- Jodie: Um... I really don't want to discuss that right now.
- Daria: I understand.
- Jodie I promise: soon as my parents are dead, I'll tell you all about it.
- Daria: Easy for you to say. You never had a rumor circulating around school that you slept with someone.
- Jane: Well, if that ever does happen I hope the guy's a professional wrestler.
- Jane: Anyway, being in a relationship can't possibly hinge on physical intimacy. 'Cause that would mean our parents are still doing it.
- Daria: Which is absurd.
- Jane: No chance.
- Daria: I'd join the circus.
- Jane: Right behind you.
- Daria: Thanks for your insight.
- Jane: What I'm here for.
Boxing Daria
- Daria: Anyway, he'll be up there for a family wedding, so more time for you and me to hang out.
- Jane: Haven't we had this conversation before? Only I said what you're saying and you said what I'm saying?
- Quinn: (muttering) Stupid freakin' carton... hard freakin' labor... I'm only freakin' human! How much can one freakin' girl take? Even an enormously freakin' popular one...
- Quinn: You know, you had a big fight about Daria and then Dad stormed out? It was very traumatic. The scars are with me to this day. Do we have any diet soda?
Is It Fall Yet? (first movie)
- Mr. DeMartino: Well, students... I certainly appreciate your help in cleaning out the classroom for the summer. It almost makes me forget that most of you didn't learn a thing all year!
- Daria: That's not true. I learned to sleep sitting up.
- Brittany: Wait... isn't golf for old people who dress funny?
- Jodie: Yeah - my parents.
- Helen: Hello! You must be Tom.
- Tom: I...
- Helen: I'm Helen Morgendorffer.
- Tom: Glad to...
- Helen: Won't you come in?
- Tom: I'd...
- Helen: Great!
- Daria: Sorry about that. They've been acting a little strange ever since, oh, I can remember.
- David: Hi, I'm David Sorenson. Are you Quinn?
- Daria: I don't know. Is this the ninth circle of Hell?
- David: The Divine Comedy.
- Daria: Wait a minute, you know that? All right. Who are you and what do you want with my sister?
- Quinn: Where are you going?
- David: Far, far away.
- Guy: (to Daniel) I was wondering, where do you get your inspiration?
- Alison: "My alimony bills."
- Brittany: Wait a minute, Kevvy. He's serious. But how can you be dating Jane and Daria?
- Tom: Well, I'm not dating Jane anymore.
- Brittany: Oh. (pause) Oh! Daria!
- Andrew: We're up for membership at Winged Tree and she's on the board. Forget politics. That's power. (laughs)
- David: Steinbeck was perhaps best known for his poignant novel about the "Okies"...
- Tiffany: Uh-huh...
- David: A heavy metal band famous for having a baboon on bass.
- Tiffany: Uh-huh...
- Mr. DeMartino: Remember: if you feel yourself getting mad, go ahead! If someone's doing something to irritate you, tell them about it in detail! And hike... whenever you feel like it!
- Quinn: You can't judge someone by their family. What if people judged me by... blech! Got to go.
- Daria: Just for the record, the police don't like it when you drive on the wrong side of the road.
- Trent: Tell me about it.
- Trent: We'd better not disturb them. You got to wake Jesse up just right or he gets all disoriented.
- Daria: How can you tell?
- Daria: And I kept thinking about you, up here doing your paintings, making your jokes, being Jane Lane.
- Jane: Being Jane Lane's what I do best.
- Daria: Gee, shall I attempt further heights of ego inflation?
- Jane: Please do.
- Mystik Spiral: When the aliens come,
- when the death rays hum,
- when the bummers bum,
- we'll still be freakin' friends!
- When the whip comes down,:
- when they nuke the town,:
- when dead clowns can't clown,
- we'll still be freakin' friends!
- Jane: Anyway, it's just another two weeks and then we'll be back at school! Wait... what's my point?
- Daria: That life sucks no matter what, so don't be fooled by location changes.
Is It College Yet? (second movie)
Jane: What about you? Still thinking about... (snooty accent) ...Bromwell?
Daria: They don't really talk like that there... I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.
Jane: The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain.
Upchuck: Andrea, my dark-eyed mistress of sweet, sweet pain. Are you, like me, finding this party a bit too festive? Let us depart for a darker place where we can explore the melancholia that always accompanies true, unbridled passion.
Andrea: You're hitting on me?
Upchuck: Um...
Andrea: Okay.
Upchuck: (squeaks) Really? (normal voice) I mean, say no more, my raven-haired ravisher.
(Upchuck offers Andrea his arm, which she takes as they walk away)
Jane: To college. I can't wait. What do you think we'll find when we get there?
Daria: Hmm. That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared solely to the pursuit of funding?
Jane: Hmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?
Daria: Yeah?
Jane: I take it back.
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