Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin (born on May 25, 1973)

American Comedian

Attributed

• "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

• "I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' "Dude, these are isotopes." "Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine." "Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize.""

• "I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: "Hope I don't get chased today.""

• "My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal."

• "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live.""

• "I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone.""

• "Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? *sniff* muffins!""

• "I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs."

• "I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale."

• "I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."

• "I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?'"