Eddie Izzard

Eddie Izzard (born 1962 )

British (Born in Yemen) comedian

Verified

• "I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from." (1999 )
  • Source: Dress to Kill

• "In the 30s: Hitler, Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, World War II -- the Russian front, not a good idea! Hitler never played Risk when he was a kid! Cause you know, playing Risk, you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn't fucking hold it!" (1999 )
  • Source: Dress to Kill

• "You've got to say something. You can't go down to the moon and go, 'Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!'" (1999 )
  • Source: Dress to Kill

• "I am an executive transvestite." (1999 )
  • Source: Dress to Kill

• "If women fall over wearing heels, that's embarrassing; but if a bloke falls over wearing heels, then you have to kill yourself! It's the end of your life, it's quite difficult." (1999 )
  • Source: Dress to Kill

• (As King Henry VIII, to the Pope) "Now I'm going to marry my first wife, then I'm going to divorce her. Now, I know what you're going to say but wait, my story gets better! I'm going to marry my second wife, then I'm going to kill her! Cut her head off! Ahhh, you weren't expecting that, were you? Third wife, going to shoot her! Fourth wife, put her in a bag! Fifth wife, into outer space! Sixth wife on a rotissimat! Seventh wife will be made out of jam...'"(1999 )
  • Source : "Dress to Kill"

• "So King Henry, who is Sean Connery in this picture, goes: 'Then I will start a new religion. The, uh... Psychotic Bastard Religion.'"

• "After the war, there was this feeling of no empire no longer. 'Alright, come on Europe, give these countries back... Britain?'"
  "'What?'"
  "'What's that behind your back?'"
  "'Oh it's India...and a number of other countries.'"

• (On Chiropractors) "I mean, you trust them with your life! They could have their fingers in your nostrils, one foot on the back of your underpants, and they're pushing your spine away with a broom. 'What's this one all about?' 'I have no idea...' *slingshot* 'Wherever he falls, there shall he be buried!'"

• "His name changed from Jerry Dorsey to Englbert Humperdink! I mean, I'd just like to be in the room when they were working that one through: 'Zinglebert Bambledack! Yingeebert Dangleban! Zanglebert Dingleback! Winglebert Humptiback! Slupbum Waller!' 'What?' 'Alright, Kringlebert Fishtibuns! Steveibuns Buttrentrunden...' 'No, Jerry Dorsey! I like...' 'No we can't... Let's see, we have Zinglebert Bambledack, Dinglebert Wangledack, Slupbum Waller, Klingibum Fistlbars, Dinglebert Zambeldack, uh... Jerry Dorsey, Englerbert Humptiback, Zinglebert Bambledack, Englebert Humperdink, Dinglebert Wingledank' 'No, no, go back one'"

• "Forgive me father, i did an original sin, i poked a badger with a spoon"

• "Yes, I like my coffee hot and strong... Like I like my women: Hot and strong, with a spoon in them"

• "I like my women like I like my coffee: in a plastic cup."

• "I like my women like I like my coffee: covered in bees!" (Said as a beekeeper.)

Source: "Glorious"

• "Cake or death?"
  "Uh, cake please"
  "Well, we're out of cake!"
  "So... my choice is 'Or death'? I’ll have the chicken then, please."

• (On Martin Luther) "This bloke who pinned a note on a door, saying 'Hang on a minute!' But in German, so 'Ein minuten bitte! Ich habe eine kleinen problemo avec diese religione!' ... He was from everywhere."

• "Pears can just fuck right off."
  • Source: "Definite Article."

• "No smoking in bars now and soon no drinking and no talking! Be careful California you're supposed to be the crazy state, out there, the wild ones. Soon every body will be saying, "Let's all go down the library we'll have a wild time!"
  • Source: "Dress to Kill."

• "Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both....different. In spelling."
  • Source: "Live At The Ambassador's"

• "Agatha Christie? We go back years, me and Ag. She's a...she's just a...she's dead, isn't she?"
  • Source: "Live At The Ambassador's"

• "She said 'spell ANT' and I wrote out the entire alphabet. he said 'that doesn't spell ANT', and I said 'it's in there somewhere! There's the A, there's the N, there's the T - the rest are silent!"
  • Source: "Live At The Ambassador's"

Attributed

• "I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less." Source: "Lust for Glorious."
• "'Danger' could be my middle name... but it's 'John'"
• "I am two lesbians in a man's body."