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Ellen DeGeneres
comedian
- "It must be so humiliating to have such a public break-up."
- Comment to Justin Timberlake , refering to his break up with Britney Spears and ironically invoking her own painful break up with Anne Heche .
- The other day I was considering going to the grocery store because I wanted some cheese and I had run out. I was afraid that I would get there and the store would be out of cheese. So I'd ask to speak to the manager and he'd come over and say "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" Which is so condescending, it's like, "What's your deal, little lady?" So I'd be like, "Well, I want some cheese and you're all out. How could you run out of cheese?" And he would say, "How could WE run out of cheese? YOU ran out of cheese, why shouldn't we? People run out of cheese!" And I'd be like, "But you're a store. It's your job to have cheese for people like me so when we run out we can come and get some." And by now a crowd would be gathering: "What's the problem?" "Oh, she's mad about the cheese." Then the manager would be feeling humiliated so he'd be like "How about some cottage cheese?" And it would piss me off, because that's stupid. It's not the same thing. I came in for sharp cheddar, not cottage cheese. Just because it has "cheese" in the name doesn't make it the same thing. You wouldn't walk into a music store and ask to buy a trumpet and have the salesman say "Sorry, we're all out of those, but here's a shoehorn!" And then I would get so upset that I would try to spray him with the produce hose, but he'd be bending over to get the cottage cheese, and instead I would hit a little old lady in the eye. And she'd have just been trying to buy an avocado because that's what you do when you're old, you don't eat much. So then she would scream, "Oh, my eye!" And her nephew, who's visiting from Texas and is two aisles over buying some tortilla chips because he thinks they're going to make guacamole, he doesn't know it's just the avocado, comes running but he would trip on the water from the produce hose. And he'd get knocked unconscious and it would become this huge incident: the National Enquirer would show up and the headline would read "Irate Lesbian Demands Cheese and Causes Problem."
- "If we don't want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we're stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions, by what we do."
- Ellen Degeneres (1995). My Point... And I Do Have One. New York: Bantam Books. ISBN 0553099558.
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