Family Guy

From the Family Guy wikipedia article.

Table of contents

1 Peter Griffin 2 Stewie Griffin 3 Brian Griffin 4 Lois Griffin 5 Chris Griffin 6 Meg Griffin 7 Cleveland 8 Glen Quagmire 9 Joe Swanson 10 Mayor Adam West 11 Cleveland Jr. 12 Death 13 Diane Simmons 14 Tom Tucker 15 Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa 16 Others

Peter Griffin

• "To the Pope Mobile!"
• "Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it."
• "Hey Brian, look! There's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says 'OOOO'!" (Brian replies with "Peter, those are Cheerios.")
• "Now, kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off."
• (writing letter) "Dear MacGyver, enclosed is a rubber band, a paperclip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog."
• "Fox is running one of those new reality specials at eight. Fast Animals, Slow Children"
• "Face it, Brian, I'm a bad husband, a lousy father, and a snappy dresser."
• "Oh, I'm a child am I, Lois? Well if I'm a child, do you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert."
• "If I'm here, and you're there, (points at world map) and Istanbul is in this general area, then what the hell is that?"
• "A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat -- you know how much we've always wanted one of those!"
• "I saw you and him the other day, breaking the Fifth Commandment! Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois."
• "Oh my God! She's got hair growing out of her boobs and up to her head!"
• "Hey, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you: very homosexually."
• "Hey listen lady, I don't pay you to think, as a mater of fact, I don't pay you at all. Count it!"
• "I look like a freaking emmy! Hint hint."
• (singing) "Jesus loves me / He loves me a bunch / 'Cause he always puts Skippy in my lunch.
• "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
• "Lois, I'm not drunk. I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
• "Make like Siamese twins and split...and then one of you die."
• "Hey, Lois! Diarrhea!"
• (Death: Come on, which one of you is Peter Griffin?) "This is Peter Griffin..." (Holding a lamp)

Stewie Griffin

• "Good heavens, it appears that my wee wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!"
• "You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. Your life however is more like a box of...active grenades!"
• "Well then, my goal becomes clear, the broccoli must die."
• (reading the Bible) "My my, what a thumping good read, lions eating Christians, people nailing each other to two by fours. I'll say, you won't find that in Winnie the Pooh."
• "Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer; you'd need an egg calendar. Ahhahaha. Oh, that's right. I went there."
• "Oh yes, I love crack, I'm absolutely cuckoo for crack!"
• "AH HA! So they do make bigger diapers! That deceitful woman told me that I would have to use the toilet someday. Look at it, you're all slaves to it. It does nothing all day but feast on other people's doo-doo and contributes nothing to society. (points to the toilet) YOU GET A JOB!"
• "HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh!.....Excluding that first HA!"
• "Splendid. This calls for a sexy party!"
• (talking to teddy bear Rupert) "Rupert did you know that then word 'gullible' isn’t in the dictionary? ...(passes dictionary to Rupert)... What's that, it ISN’T? ...(takes dictionary)... Oh, Rupert, hoisted by my own petard! Haha! Haha!......I am so alone..."
• "I'd love to stay and chat but you're a total bitch."
• "A picture of Meg in a two-piece. God, I pray this isn't my first memory!"
• "Victory is mine!"
• (to Death) "Hi, I'm Stewie. Big fan."
• "Forecast for today: A few sprinkles of genius with A CHANCE OF DOOM!!!"
• "Hello mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster."
• "Now look here...Jo-LENE! I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! Oh, God help you if I find pickles!"
• "AND NO SPRINKLES! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!"
• (leaps out of a tree and lands in front of Brian with a "snow cannon" on his shoulder) "Now is the winter of your discontent!"
• "Stuart Gilligan Griffin runs from NOTHING!!"
• "It's not that I want to kill her... I just want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all woman are like this, and then I think to myself: My god, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?
• "Mmm... Yes, that's right, Mr. Giraffe... Get all the marmalade..."
• "Blast you, vile woman!"
• "You must receive his seed!"
• "In the meantime, here's a little vision test. What is this? A poopie or a toblerone?"
• (To police officer) "We met at the internet. He lured me into the car with promises of candy"
• "Maybe if you laid down with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a bell?"

Brian Griffin

• "Mekka-Lekkah Hai Mekka-God I hate you so much."
• "Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?"
• "Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes."
• "Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occassion?"
• "I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... (vomits) and a stomach virus ... (falls off stool) and an inner ear infection."
• "Want some McDonald's? (Stewie shakes his head) Wanna go get some ice cream? (Stewie shakes his head) Wanna go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? (Stewie nods) Ok, lets go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes."
• "Peter you've got three hours left so if you're going to pull a party out of your ass you might want to stand up."
• "Swing and a miss."
• "Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!?"
• (applauds) "Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap."

Lois Griffin

• "Oh go f*ck yourself Diane!"
• "I've seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie forty-seven times. Have you seen the lips on that woman? Like a baboon's ass on her face."
• "Stewie, did you unhook mommy's bra?"
• "Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you."
• "It's like I always tell the kids, a quitter never wins and don't trust whitey."
• "My days in college were so exciting. This one time, the national guard came and shot some of my friends."
• "Kids, your grandfather's ears are not gross and they are certainly not an enchanted forest."
• "Me likey bouncy! Me likey bouncy!"

Chris Griffin

• "I didn't know there was a 5 am mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 am. What else haven't you told me!!??"
• "When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah ... ow. Oh, now I don't know math."
• "I'm so hungry I could ride a horse. I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess."
• "I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz."
• "There is an evil monkey in my closet."
• "The sound of my thighs rubbing together hurts my ears."

Meg Griffin

• "Oh my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced. I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort."
• "I like him, he remembers my name!"
• "If a guy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy."

Cleveland

• "Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned our porta-potties. Then I used my Stream of Justice to put out the Flames of Hate."
• "Wow, Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing. Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household."
• "Oh, Peter, that tickles me in a way that if Loretta tickled me in that way, I'd say, 'Oh yeah...that's nice...that's the spot."
• "Peter, you're not very good with money. You're like the white version of a black guy who's not very good with money."
• "I can't get Cleveland, Jr. to sit still for anything. Sometimes I think he might have the epilepsy, but then I just go see what's on the TV."
• "He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good, like salt-water taffy or a Chunky."
• "Here's to Joe, who helped little Paul get a new liver and, barring a massive infection, a new lease on life."
• "OW! OW! OW! OW! When it's gonna be my turn? OW! OW! OW! OW!

Glen Quagmire

• "Alllllll riiight."
• "Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?"
• (Quagmire walks into a toilet stall to see a cheerleader tied up and gagged.)
  "Dear diary...jackpot!"
• "Giggidy giggidy giggidy!"
• "Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time."
• (After running out of his house in a nightrobe.)
  "What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk---in out of a sound sleep!"
• "I felt Guilty once, but she woke up half way through."
• "So, you ladies ever been penetrated?"
• (to asian reporter Trisha Takanawa) "I've never done it with a Spanish chick before. O-le!"
• "Ride the Q-Train!"
• "Face it Peter, you're an easy mark. You couldn't be more of a sucker if you were wrapped in plastic with a stick coming out of your ass."
• "Well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass!"
• "Let's blow this sausage fest and hit the international house of tail."
• "Hey, Pedro, we're heading down to The Drunken Clam for a couple of beers, and I'm gonna shake the lady tree and see what falls out."
• "Here's to The Drunken Clam, boys, where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!"
• "Hey ladies, I don't want to come between you... or do I?"
• "Hey baby, are you a parking ticket? Because you got fine written all over you."
• "If I could rearrange the dictionary I'd put U and I together."
• (On walking in on a nude Peter and Lois)
  "Hey Peter, Lois - whoaaaAAAHHHH! You guys got a towel?"
• (On answering the door almost naked) Well, hellLo-Is! Excuse me for pointing."
• (Sitting on his couch with a woman having drinks; a large red-tipped missile crashes through the ceiling - he points at it) To answer your question, something like that.
• (When talking to somebody he thought was a woman) Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite ! BACK OFF! (suddenly calm) Wait a minute, pre-op or post-op?. Other person: Pre-op. Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! BACK OFF!
• "Hey Peter, you can't drink that outside. You could end up in jail! And not the good jail, like on Cinemax, The MAN jail.
• (walks out of his bathroom and sees a beautiful girl in his bed). I've got a question for you. Why are you still here?

Joe Swanson

• LETS DO IT! ROCK THEIR WORLD! ROCK THEIR WORLD! (foams at mouth, and smiles)
• (faced with a huge, mutant rat) BRING IT ON!

Mayor Adam West

• "I love this job more than I love taffy ... and I'm a man who enjoys his taffy."
• (Looking at his hand) "You are a filthy whore."
• "How do you know my language!?"
• "Are you Sarah Connor?..."
• "If I do this... Will you stop stealing my water?"
• "I've dealt with super-villains before"
• (after Peter gets stuck in his trap-door) "Oh, I'm sorry. Normally my malcontents are much skinnier. Would you come back in a week or so when my fat malcontent trap-door will be installed?"

Cleveland Jr.

• "Honey comb big, yeah yeah yeah. It's not small, no no no."
• "My father always says "Cleveland Jr., quit jumping on the bed!"
• "hahaha hahaha"

Death

• "Oh, the doctor. Well, he must know, right? I mean, he's a doctor and I'm just DEATH!"
• (Upon playing the game "Life") "You know, you might find this ironic..."
• (car rocking, suddenly stops) "Not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever... Or, am I?" (car rocks again)
• "What is this cocoa made of, crap?"

Diane Simmons

• "Tom, You're so deep into the closet you're finding Christmas presents!"
• "Tom has dared me to do the evening news topless. I've got the goods, but have I got the guts? Find out at eleven."
• "Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people (laughs)."
• "Well, they did an 'all-you-people' version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful..."

Tom Tucker

• "Stay tuned for our special investigative report on the clitoris, "Nature's Rubik's Cube".
• "Well, I believe I speak for everyone when I say New York and everyone from there can go fornicate themselves with an iron stick."
• (To Dianne Simmons who is dressed in medieval costume) "I would be having a great time if you hadn't reminded us all of our grandmother's clevage."
• (To Dianne Simmons after she gave him a dodgy look when he started to drink beer on air) "What? This is actually making you look attractive."
• "Can bees think? A new study confirms: No, they cannot."
• (thinking he's off the air) "I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets!"
• "A bit of breaking news. We now go live to Dianne being a bitch. Dianne?"
• "Dianne, that report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking."

Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa

• "For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, "Hey, check out that flaming queen."

Others

• (Brian and Stewie singing)
  Brian: Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade
  Stewie: Oh, your one to talk, You get a stiffie from Phylicia Rashad.
  Brian: Oh, one time.

• Olivia: Pretty exciting.
  Stewie: What? The marquee or the other thing?
  Olivia: What other thing?
  Stewie: You know. The sex... with Simon, Why else would your name be first?
  Olivia: Well it's obvious you know. Lead with strength, Put your best foot forward, Et cetera Et cetera.
  Stewie: So the sex was good?
  Olivia: Oh shut up egotistical jerk!
  Stewie: You shut up you sap bellied strumpet!
  Olivia: Blimp-Headed jackass!
  Stewie: Mealy-mouthed crotch pheasant!

• Chris: Hey birthday dude, you want some ice cream?
  Stewie: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

• (at the grocery store)
  Man: Wow, Lois Griffin. Hey I love your act! Nice melons.
  Peter: Hey listen pal!
  Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
  Peter: Oh.
  Man: And her hooters ain't bad either.
  Peter: Now hang on a second there.
  Lois: Peter, I'm holding hooters! (she is holding owls)
  Peter: Oh, sorry.
  Man: No problem... Your wife's hot.
  Peter: Alright that's it!

• Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
  Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
  Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
  Guy 2: What do you mean?
  Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs]
  Guy 2: [laughs then shivers] I'm cold.

• Meg: Chris, you're hogging up all the fans.
  Chris: Yeah, well, you're, hogging up all the ugly!

• Cop 1: (talking to Brian) Good luck rookie!
  Cop 2: You're a credit to the force.
  Cop 3: Additional generic cop compliment!

• Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS Program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately, Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test.

• Lois: He just left without saying anything? Where would he go?
  Peter: I don't know. I just asked him to buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks.
  Brian: I don't care if he ever comes back…I wasn't being cute, I really hope he's dead.

• Stewie: Ah! Damn it! I want pancakes. God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Clik clik bloody clik pancakes.
  Foster Mother: Poor little guy, pancakes must be street for crack.

• Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
  Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy...women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
  Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

• Peter (imagining Hell): Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh, hey, what, what are you doing here?
  Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.

• Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
  Calahan: Well you, you can't eat a stapler-
  Peter: Wanna split it?

• Peter: I read a book about this sort of thing once.
  Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
  Peter: Oh yeah.

• Brian: Hola. Me llamo es Brian. Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes...
  Drifter: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just "me llamo Brian."
  Brian: Oh, oh, you speak English.
  Drifter: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
  Brian: You're kidding me, right?
  Drifter: Que?

• Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
  Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible.
  Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

• Peter: OH NO!
  Family: OH NO!
  Jury: OH NO!
  Kool-Aid Dude (breaks in through Court Room wall): OOOOH YEAAAHHH!...
  Everyone: (silence)
  Kool-Aid Dude: (backs out and runs away)
  

• Stewie: Look where my hand is! I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very dirty place. Doesn't that disgust you?
  Brian: Kid, you're talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.

• Lois: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
  Peter: Uh, what could me and you do together?
  [Lois giggles]
  Peter: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
  Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
  Peter: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

• Dottie Campbell: The hot dogs and burgers are ready. Can I get you a beer Peter?
  Peter: Uh, Whadda Got?
  Dottie Campbell: I got Busch.
  (Peter looks worriedly down at the plate of hot dogs and burgers being held by Dottie's crotch).
  Dottie Campbell: Oh and Busch Light.

• Chris: BOOBIES!!
  Lois: Chris, That's enough! Well I'm sure glad to be out of there
  Peter: You said it Lois, what those people are doing just ain't natural.
  Chris: BOOBIES!
  Lois: Did you hear me young man?
  Meg: I don't know what the big deal was? I thought they were nice.
  Chris: BOOBIES!!
  Lois: Peter?
  Peter: Do it.
  (Everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses and Lois reveals the Neuralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris)
  Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today Chris?
  Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

• (Stewie sitting in high-chair, looking mortified)
  Brian : Let me guess, you saw them at it didn't you?
  (Stewie shudders)
  Brian: Well, you know that tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there too.
  (Stewie shudders again)

• Rehab Counselor: Brian, you know this degenerate?
  Peter: Degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See, I can make up words too.

• Peter: You want to know what my problem is? You want to know what my problem is? I LOVE TOO MUCH!
  Lois: Peter, what are you talking about?
  Peter (dramatically): Don't you see, Lois? We're alive! This marriage is a living, breathing thing!
  Lois: Peter, you're scaring me.
  Peter (shaking Lois): Good! Embrace the fear. (Peter dances on tiptoes) Dance with me, Lois. Dance the dance of life! (Peter moves backwards, tripping over a coffee table and crashing into a cabinet)

• Peter: Peter Griffin: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
  [Cuts to Alyssa Milano in real life]
  Alyssa Milano: What a cheap shot... Joel!
  Joel (the lawyer): I know, I know. I'm suing, I'm suing. (Gets on the phone)

• [At a job interview]

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [Thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, (looks at picture on desk) son...

• Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
  

Death: Well, that would just leave England...

• Meg: This is all your fault, lardo, now I have to change schools because of you.
  Peter: Me? What did I do.
  Meg: No I was talking to Chris.
  Peter: Oh! (To Chris) Yeah, Lardo!

• Tom Tucker: Welcome back to Quahog 5 News. And now here's Ollie Williams with the Black-U-Weather forecast. Ollie?
  Ollie: (an Al Roker-ish weatherman) IS GON' RAIN!
  Tom: Thanks, Ollie.

• Gloria Ironbox: You haven't heard a word I've said!
  Peter Griffin: Now that's not fair. I've heard everything you said. It's just... you know... there's some subtleties to the rules that aren't so easy to understand. (Squeeses Gloria's boob twice) Honk, Honk!
  Gloria Ironbox: Okay, thats it!

• Girl on Love Connection: If I were an ice cream cone, how would you eat me?
  Contestant 1: I'd invite my friend Rudy over and we'd give you a double dip.
  Contestant 2: I would lick the fudge off real slow and cover you with my special whipped topping.
  Peter: Well, I would eat you really fast before I became flaccid.

• Black Knight: You see that there, kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle!
  Peter: Hey, no one calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.

• Brian: The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
  [Flashback to Peter, watching MNF, pressing record button on VCR. FBI immediately slams through the door]
  Agent: Do you have the express written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?
  Peter [holds up paper]: Just ABC.
  [Agents cock pistols and shotguns, fire at VCR]

• Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the Gumbles have.
  Lois: Peter, the Gumbles are brothers.
  Peter: Oh, so just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?

• Doctor: Peter, good news! You don't have cancer. That lump in your breast was a fatty corpuscle.
  Peter: How can a dead actor from the forties be in my left breast?
  Doctor: Peter, I'm telling you you're fine.
  Peter: What, are you coming on to me now?
  Lois: Peter, he's telling you you're not going to die.
  Doctor: Can't it be both?

• Midget Woman: Help me!!
  Stewie: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else gets the hose again! HA!!

• Meg: Oh, Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever!
  Peter: Aw, no you're not, honey. What about that fat girl from The Judds ?