Futurama

Futurama (tv series, 1999-2003)

Table of contents

1 Philip J. Fry 2 Bender Bending Rodriquez 3 Turanga Leela 4 Professor Hubert J Farnsworth 5 Zapp Brannigan 6 Dr. John Zoidberg 7 Amy Wong 8 Hermes Conrad 9 Calculon 10 Misc Characters 11 Dialogue 12 Non character quotes and signs 13 New quotes

Philip J. Fry

• "Space, it seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you. And that's how you play the game." (1ACV01 - Space Pilot 3000)

• "It's the future! My parents, my coworkers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again! Yahooo!" (1ACV01 - Space Pilot 3000)

• "I'd always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls." (1ACV01 - Space Pilot 3000)

• "I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?" (1ACV02 - The Series Has Landed)

• "I used to dream about being an astronaut. I just never had the grades. Or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me." (1ACV02 - The Series Has Landed)

• "That's the saltiest thing I've ever eaten...and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!" (1ACV07 - My Three Suns) --

• "I know Big Vinny said he was giving me the kiss of death, but I'm pretty sure he was gay." (1ACV09 - Hell is Other Robots)

• "He's an animal. He belongs in the wild. Or in the circus on one of those tiny tricycles. Now that's entertainment." (1ACV11 - Mars University)

• "I hear that! I spent most of my teen-years loving my body! Of course, it was tough love, but..." (2ACV03 - A Head in the Polls)

• "I feel like a rat. I mean, here I am whining like a pig while all along Leela was lonely as a frog." (2ACV04 - Xmas Story)

• "Now that's what I call a thousand years of progress: a Bavarian Cream dog that's self-microwaving!" (2ACV05 - Why Must I Be A Crustacean In Love!)

• "Well, thanks to the internet, I'm now bored with sex." (2ACV09 - A Bicyclopes Built for Two)

• "Why couldn't she be the other kind of mermaid, with the fish part on the top, and the lady part on the bottom?" (2ACV12 - The Deep South)

• "I'm experienced with foraging. I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat!" (2ACV15 - The Problem with Popplers)

• "I guess you wanna see my Fry hole then?" (2ACV16 - Anthology of Interest I)

• "Whoah. Check out that guy. He makes Speedy Gonzales look like Regular Gonzalez." (2ACV17 - War is the H-Word)

• "Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears." (2ACV18 - The Honking)

• "Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time." (2ACV19 - The Cryonic Woman)

• "Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it." (2ACV19 - The Cryonic Woman)

• "Augh, I am so unlucky. I've run over black cats that were luckier than me." (3ACV04 - The Luck of the Fryrish)

• "That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you take it all and I say enough!" (3ACV04 - The Luck of the Fryrish)

• "Hey look! It's that guy you are!" (3ACV06 - Bendless Love)

• "People said I was dumb but I proved them." (3ACV07 - The Day the Earth Stood Stupid)

• "But you're better than normal: you're abnormal." (3ACV09 - The Cyber House Rules)

• "I'm not a robot like you. I don't like having disks crammed into me... unless they're Oreos, and then only in the mouth." (3ACV11 - Insane in the Mainframe)

• "Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows." (3ACV14 - Time Keeps on Slippin')

• "All right… It's Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock!" (3ACV18 - Anthology of Interest II)

• "I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky." (3ACV19 - Roswell That Ends Well)

• "You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. You gotta hope even more, and cover your ears and go like bla bla bla bla" (3ACV20 - Godfellas)

• "I'll be whatever I wanna do." (3ACV21 - Future Stock)

• "I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse! I asked you to get busy" (4ACV02 - Leela's Homeworld)

• "Shut up, you two. We can kill ourselves when we get home." (4ACV02 - Leela's Homeworld)

• "I feel like I've been mauled by Jesus" (4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• "There's no bus to Jersey city" (4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• "Good news everyone!" (4ACV07 - Jurassic Bark)

• "I like you, Seymour. You're not constantly judging me like all the other dogs...are you???" (4ACV07 - Jurassic Bark)

• "I'm literally angry with rage!" (4ACV11 - Where no Fan has gone before)

• "Listen to me! You don't want to lie in bed and do nothing the rest of your life. I've tried it. Bedsores hurt!" (4ACV12 - The Sting)

• "But what if he wants to--? I mean, if he tries to--? Barry White?" (4ACV13 -Bend Her)

• (to Hermes, after he mentions being Jamaican) "Jamaican? I thought you were some kinda outer space potato man."

Bender Bending Rodriquez

• "I'll vote it down like a raise for school-teachers!" (Futurestock)

• "Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker." (1ACV09)

• "Bodies are for hookers and fat people." (2ACV03)

• "I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it." (2ACV18 - The Honking)

• "That's no flying saucer! That's my ass!" (3ACV19 - Roswell That Ends Well)

• (Spin doctors "Two princes" plays on radio) "Who's been messing with the radio? This isn't alternative rock. It's college rock." (4ACV03 - Love And Rocket)

• "Have you ever tried turning off the TV, sitting down with your children, and hitting them?" (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• "Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious." (4ACV07 - Jurassic Bark)

• Like everything else in life pumping is just a primitive, degenerate form of bending.(4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• "When I grow up, I want to be a steam shovel!" (4ACV09)

• "I'm so embarrassed. I wish everybody else was dead." (4ACV13 -Bend Her)

• "Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed like a chick?" (4ACV13 -Bend Her)

• "Hail, hail Robonia - a land I didn't make up!" (4ACV13 -Bend Her)

• "...just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged." (4ACV13 -Bend Her)

• "Behold my handcrafted purity. The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!" (4ACV14 - Obsoletely Fabulous)

• "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Just destroy everything you ever believed in." (4ACV14 - Obsoletely Fabulous)

• "Well, I guess reality is what you make of it. " (4ACV14 - Obsoletely Fabulous)

• "C'mon, it's just like making love! Y'know...Left, down...Rotate 62 degrees...Engage rotor..." (1ACV02)

• "Beneath that cold metal exterior beats the heart of a robot."

• "Okay kids, it's nine o'clock, you know what that means... daddy's sick of looking at you, so go to bed."

• "Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!"

• "My life, and by extension everyone else's, is meaningless."

• "Are you familiar with the old robot saying, 'DOES NOT COMPUTE'?"

• "I am Bender. Please insert girder." ("How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back")

• "All right, Bender's back baby, please insert liqour!"

• "Yeah, life is hilariously cruel."

• "Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it!"

• "Oh, wait you're serious. Let me laugh even harder."

• "Aww, you know what always cheers me up? Laughing at other people's misfortunes."

• "Bite my shiny metal ass!" (his catchphrase)

• "Fry, of all the friends I've had, you're the first." ("I, Roommate")

• "Fork over the lady fingers, cookie."

• "Yeah, well, I'm gonna build my own theme park! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the park!"

• "Kill all humans!"

• "Lick my frozen metal ass!"

• Planet Express Ship: "Oh honey look! The Tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pyjama like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting honey?"
  Bender: "Yup. Mindnumbingly interesting."

• "I believe that qualifies as "ill." At least from a technical standpoint."

• "A woman like that you gotta romance first!"

• "I don't know why, but when I look down at their little faces it makes me want to puke... in a good way."

• "Blackmail's such an ugly word. I prefer extortion. The X makes it sound cool."

• "When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?"

• "Robots don't have emotions, and that sometimes makes me feel sad."

• "Computer Dating - It's like pimping but you rarely have to use the phrase 'upside your head'" ("Put Your Head On My Shoulder")

• "I'm great! Everbody else sucks! Apart from that guy Bender. I heard he's really something" (as fembot Coilette in "Bend Her")

• "Oh cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee."

• (After unsucessfully trying to drink a bottle of wine underwater): "Arr, the laws of physics be a harsh mistress."

Turanga Leela

• "Well at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator." (1ACV01 - Space Pilot 3000)

• "Look, I don't know about any of your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible." (1ACV02 - The Series Has Landed)

• "We're probably gonna make it... but we might not!"

• "Well, it's a Type M planet. So it should at least have roddenberries."

• "Oh, Lord, he's made of wood!"

• "At the risk of sounding negative, no!"

• "Birds don't crawl."

• "Cool your jowls, Nixon."

• "If the oxygen holds out, we might live long enough to starve to death."

• "Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type."

• "I may not have found love on this mission, but I did find a cute little companion who excretes starship fuel. And thats just as good." (1ACV04 - Love's Labors Lost in Space)

• "Take it off, or I'll break it off." - Leela, with Fry's arm around her

• "Well, someone's in a good mode."

• "Oh, Adelai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me feel so not weird."

• "Look at that five o'clock rust. You've been up all night not drinking, haven't you?"

• "Who would have thought hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey?"

• "Oh, I completely forgot! I left my apartment on fire!" (4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• "Look, there's Macaulay Culkon! He's just not cute since he got puberty installed." (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• Okay, okay. We're not gonna force you until I finish this sentence. Get him! (4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• "My old life wasn't as glamorous as my web page made it look." (4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• "ok! I'm insane. But I'm still sane enough to know it." (4ACV12 - The Sting)

• "They a spoonful of space honey helps ease the pain. <eats one spoonful> Hmm, it's good! <eats a second one> I feel Funny. Ah!ah! funny." <giggles a few times then faints> (4ACV12 - The Sting)

• "This is my first trip to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one."

• "Hermes, wait! We're having a poker party. Stay and whip off a batch of your famous jerk dip. "

Professor Hubert J Farnsworth

• "Sweet Zombie Jesus!"

• "Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!"

• "Good news, anyone. The Swedish robot from Pi-kea is here with the super-collider I ordered." (4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• "Bad news, nobody. The super-collider super exploded! I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs." (4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• "That question was less stupid; though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way."

• "Well, in those days, Mars was just a dreary uninhabitable wasteland. Much like Utah. But unlike Utah, it was eventually made livable."

• "Everyone's always in favour of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a Great White shark — oh suddenly you've gone too far!"

• "Doomsday device? Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court! I suppose I could part with one and still be feared..." (Time Keeps on Slippin')

• "Know ye now what it feels like to be dog god!" (Jurassic Bark)

• "So long, suckers!"

• "With that big new contract, I've been able to make those government mandated upgrades you've all been suing me about."

• "Oh dear, they'll be killed on our doorstep. And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd." (Xmas Story)

• "This is as good a time as any to try out my new Pressure Pill.
  [takes out black, egg-shaped pill]
  Fry: I can't swallow that!
  Prof. Farnsworth: Well then good news! It's a suppository!" (The Deep South)

• "This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now, if only they could put it in suppository form..."

• "No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!" (at the track, when a competing horse wins in a "quantum finish") (The Luck of the Fryrish)

• "Well, getting the brain out was easy. The hard part was getting the brain out!" (The Farnsworth Parabox)

• "It's made of dolomite—the tough black mineral that won't cop out when there's heat all about!" (Jurassic Bark)

• "It's dolomite, baby!"

• "Pazuzu, you ungrateful gargoyle. I put you through college, and this is how you repay me!" (Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• "If anybody wants me I'll be in the angry dome!"

• "They say madness runs in our family. Some people even call me crazy! And why? Because I dared to dream....of my own race of atomic monsters! Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies!!"

• "Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?!"

• "The tanker has six-thousand hulls, so, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof." (The Bird-bot of Ice-catraz)

• "I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my hips were made of bone." (That's Lobstertainment!)

• "Perhaps it's your outlook that needs a good bend, a ninety degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment." (Bendless Love)

• "Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave."

• "Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp and their tweet tweet splat."

• "You see, beneath the fossil's crunchy mineral shell there's still a creamy core of dog nougat." (4ACV07 - Jurassic Bark)

• Fifty-three years old? Oh, now I'll need a fake ID to rent ultra-porn.(4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours. And those jerks at Social Security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them! (4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• Prof. Farnsworth: "The Central Bureaucracy? I've never been there, but a friend of mine went mad just looking for the restroom!"

Leela: "We need someone who knows their way around the place." Prof. Farnsworth: "Oh, I've been there! Lots of times! Eh heh! Heh heh heh!" (insane laughter)

Zapp Brannigan

• "By the way, Kif, your flush seems to be set on stun, not kill." (4ACV01 - Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch)

• "If we can hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards... Checkmate!"

• "Brannigan's law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast."

• "When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission!"

• "In a game of chess you can never let your opponent see your pieces."

• "What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?"

• "You win again, gravity!"

• "She's a beautiful ship - I'm gonna fly her brains out."

• "She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a bistro."

• "Kif, I have made it with a woman! Inform the men."

• "If there's an alien out there I can't kill, I haven't met him and killed him yet."

• "Stop EXPLODING, you cowards!"

• "As you all know, the key to victory is the element of surprise. SURPRISE!"

• "I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies." - One of Brannigan's "pick-up" lines.

• "I hate these filthy neutrals, Kif! With enemies, you know where they stand, but with neutrals—who knows. It sickens me."

• "But should she ever institute some sort of bare bottom spanking policy, let me go in your place. I won't have my comrades harmed."

• "Fly the white flag of war!"

• "Now, like all great plans, my strategy is so simple an idiot could have devised it."

• (after being hit in the face by Leela) "Let's try that a little lower and a lot softer."

• (after being informed that Holo-Shed has malfunctioned again) "Damn! The last time that happened I got slapped with three paternity suits."

• "You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down."

• (after being informed about an emergency by Kif) "Come back when it's a catastrophe!"

• (laughing) Oh, God, you're killing me! (getting beaten up by a woman) Oh, God, you're killing me!

• "One day a man has everything. The next day he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station. And the next day he has nothing. It makes you think."

Dr. John Zoidberg

• "They took away my credit cards."

• "The captains table! What an honor!"

• "What?! It's not even scratch 'n' sniff!"

• "Hurry up with the water! I'm steaming inside my own shell I am! It's that hot it is!"

• "Haha! Now, the rubber-band is on the other claw!"

• "Well, don't look into it, but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor!"

• "Young lady, pick a mouth, open it, and say..!" [to Fry]

• "I didn't have the heart to tell him.. It's fin-fungus! He'll be floating upside down by morning!" [to Bender]

• "Wubwubwub!" (scuttles away)

• "Oh no! The professor will hit me for breaking the bottle. But if Zoiberg FIXES the bottle... perhaps gifts!"

• "I'm homeless! There's where I live!" [climbing out of one of Farnsworth maniac machines]

• "It's toe-tappingly tragic!"

• "It's fin-rot isn't it? Tell me it's not fin-rot!"

• "Look at me!, I'm Doctor Zoidberg, homeowner!" [climbing into a sea-shell]

• "No matter what it is you're doing tonight, I'm available!"

• "The sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor!"

• "Now Zoidberg is the hero!"

• "Bender, you gotta spring me! I'll never survive in here... I'm too PRETTY!"

• (sees a guinea pig) "Whats this? Two meals in one week?"

• "Help! Friends! A guinea pig tricked me!"

• "Okay, so you're nonchalant. Stop rubbing our noses in it."

• "So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies...."

• (on a doctor who is treating a blinded Leela) "I bet I've lost more patients than he's ever had!"

• "On my planet , clam eats you!"

• (Fry is teaching Zoidberg about love) "Hmm, this love intrigues me. Teach me to fake it!"

Amy Wong

• "Aye aye captain! I mean...only one eye. I mean...yes sir! Um...ma'am."
• "Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual."
• "Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel."
• "You just have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he actually has a really good body."

Hermes Conrad

• "My manwich!"
• "Life... Death... Either way I'll be confined to a small cubicle!"
• "Haile H. Selassie!"
• "Sweet Manatee of Gallalee!"
• "Sweet Llamas of the Bahamas!"
• "Great cow of Moscow!"
• "Great gorilla of Manilla!"
• "Sweet... something of... some place."
• "My speedos!"
• "Jerk beef, jerk pork, jerk chicken... Is there any meat this man can't jerk?"

Calculon

• "I'm programmed to be very busy."
• "I just pray they like me half as much as I do."
• "I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this. "
• "Great Shatner's ghost!"
• "Bender, I'd like you to meet our director, whose name I never learned." (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)
• "I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies." 4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

Misc Characters

• Stop right there! I don't wanna hurt you. <gets hit in the face> I didn't want you to hurt me either. 3-eyed mutant (4ACV02 - Leela's Homeworld)

• This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five? - Lrrr (4ACV03 - Love And Rocket)

• Oh, very well. This is a Joey-heavy episode anyway. -Lrrr (4ACV03 - Love And Rocket)

• We should print up T-shirts! And F-shirts for our friends with two arms on the same side! - Morris (Leela's Father) (4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• "Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap." - Robot from Pi-kea (4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• Zoidberg: Ambassador Mervin, you killed my lawyer!
  Ambassador Mervin: You're welcome. (4ACV05 - A Taste of Freedom)

• (to Bender) "You raised my hopes and dashed them quite expertly, sir. Bravo!" - Tinny Tim (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• "That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer." - Calculon (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• "At our network, we love filth. Filthy rich, that is. Being filthy rich, that is." - President of the network (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• "'Bite my shiny metal ass' could be a catchphrase." - President of the network (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• "What ?!" - Cartridge Unit (4ACV14 - Obsoletely Fabulous)

• "No! I wish I had two mommies..." - Dwight

• "I will always remember you...MEMORY DELETED!" - Lucy Liu Bot

• "Dewey you fool, your decimal system has played right into my hands!" - Giant Brain

• "There are only three real monsters, kid: Dracula, Blacula, and Son of Kong." - Fry's boss at the Pizza Parlour

• "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!" - Terry

• "Mwah ha ha ha ha! Oily humanoid." -Morbo, the news monster

• "This jerk chicken is good...I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked." -Lrrr

• "Whoa, that hippie is really kicking in now..." - (Stoned) Lrrr

• "My hands are huge ... they can touch anything but themselves!" (Touches hands together) "Oh, wait..." - (Stoned) Lrrr

• "Whoa! It feels like I'm flying!" - (Stoned) Lrrr

• "Jam a bastard in it you crap!" -Mom

• "I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts." -Mom

• "Make that bitch your bitch you bastard!" -Mom

• "Knowledge brings fear." - Mars University motto

• "Fry, you Emu-bellied coward!" - Hick Soldier

• "Leave now before I go Cambodian on your ass!" - President Nixon's Head

• "Keep our sewers clean." - Sign in New New York sewers

• "Can't you see that we're just pawns in his [Melllvar's] diabolical game of checkers?!" - William Shatner (4ACV11 - Where no Fan has Gone Before)

• "If you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all." - God, "Godfellas"

• "I choose to believe what I was programmed to believe." - RoboHungarian, "The Honking"

• "I want him [Bender] fixed. I want him fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election. Damn bean-eating war hero." - President Nixon's Head

• "All humans are vermin in the eyes of Morbo!" - Morbo

• "So...humans have easily injured knees. My race will find this information very useful indeed. Mwahwahahahaha!" - Morbo

• (to Fry): "You fool! You foolish fool!" - Al Gore

• "Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator." - Countess de la Roca

• "Sit. I said sit! Bad fish!" - Professor Nerdstrom

• "ME...WANT...ENGULF...BENDER!" - Planet Express Ship

• "I'm a tenth-level Vice-President!" - Al Gore

Dialogue

• Leela: If everyone's finished being stupid--
  Fry: I had more, but you go ahead. (1ACV02 - The Series Has Landed)

• Fry: "Maybe you can't understand this but I've finally found what I need to be happy, and it's not friends. It's things."
  Bender: "I'm a thing." (1ACV06 - A Fishful of Dollars) -- is it accurately quoted ?

• Fry: "Ahhh! We're gonna die! Right?"
  Bender: "Right."
  Fry: "Ahhh!" (1ACV08 - A Big Piece of Garbage)

• Fry: "Ooh, Big Pink. It's the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham."
  Bender: "And it pinkens your teeth while you chew!" (2ACV17 - War is the H-Word)

• Amy: Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already.
  Kif: Yes. I programmed it in for you. Four million lines of BASIC. ([1] 4ACV01 - Kif Gets Knocked Up A Notch)

• Hermes: It looks like toxic waste.And it smells like toxic waste!
  Fry: What does it taste like?
  Hermes: Delicious fig pudding! That's good. But a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste. (4ACV02 - Leela's Homeworld)

• "Hermes: I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly, or bribe me. Either way, it will cost $500.
  Bender: 500 real dollars? that's an outrage! Professor, I'll take care of that waste for $499 and 100 cents.
  Professor: I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience." (4ACV02 - Leela's Homeworld)

• Leela: I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.
  Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness. (4ACV02 - Leela's Homeworld)

• Bender: But for now, I'll just resume dating cheap floozies on the side.
  Fry: You have much to teach us. (4ACV03 - Love And Rocket)

• Planet Express Ship: "Oh honey look! The Tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pyjama like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting honey?"
  Bender: "Yup. Mindnumbingly interesting." (4ACV03 - Love And Rocket)

• Bender: There. Finished. And only six missing pieces.
  Fry: Those Swedes know how to put in almost everything you need.[4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• Leela: "Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures.
  Fry: Hey, Zoidberg, get in here!
  Zoidberg: Screw you! (4ACV04 - Less Than Hero)

• Zoidberg: That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want,and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares.
  Fry: We're not listening!
  That's what I'm talking about! (4ACV05 - A Taste of Freedom)

• Nixon's head: But I know a place where the Constitution doesn't mean squat!
  

Chief Justice Myrtle Foo: The Supreme Court hereby accepts the case of Earth v. Zoidberg. (4ACV05 - A Taste of Freedom)

• Old Man: Son, to me a robot's just a garbage can with sparks coming out it.
  Bender: The sparks keep me warm. (4ACV05 - A Taste of Freedom)

• Zoidberg: Look who's here, everyone! It's Zoidberg, the lovable tramp!
  Leela: Since when are you performing at children's parties?
  Zoidberg: Performing? What? Please, if someone could spare me money to buy shoes? (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• Woman: Have you ever been on TV before ?
  Bender: once when i took those hostages
  Calculon: I saw that, you were good. (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• (both pointing guns at Bender) Professor: I'm a cold-blooded punk!
  President of the network: I once put a laugh track on a sitcom that had no jokes in it. (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• Leela: Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.
  Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools. (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• Calculon: I don't care how popular you are, you will never work on my show!
  (from outside the room) Fry: Yay, Bender! Leela: We demand Bender!
  Calculon: However, you've got the job. Welcome aboard, son! (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• Fry: What kind of bozos would start a Bender protest group?
  Professor: Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have started a Bender protest group! (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• Director: We rewrote your part to suit your acting abilities.
  Bender:So now my character has a Brrrritish accent?
  Director: No, now your character's in a coma. Get in bed and don't move. (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• Professor: I'll be the judge of who's cool, using the Cool-o-meter!
  COOL-O-METER: Oh, yeah!
  Professor: Good Lord! I'm getting a reading of over 40 mega-Fonzies. (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• President of the network: Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate Middle America.
  Executive Gamma:It's funny, but is it going to get them off their tractors? (4ACV06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV)

• Crowd: What do you want?
  Fry: Fry's dog!
  Crowd: When do you want it?
  Fry: Fry's dog!
  small crowd: Yeah!(4ACV07 - Jurassic Bark)

• Leela: Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, professor.
  Professor: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth, they're nuclear-powered!(4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• Heather (professor's personal youth-a-sizer): Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.
  Professor: You sound just like my tennis instructor. (4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• Professor: I don't have time for this! I have to go buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it making people wait behind me while I complain.
  Fry: He still sounds sort of old, sort of real old. (4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• Leo Wong: Maybe she not grown up, but she sure grown out. She fat!
  Amy: Dad, if you're gonna make fat jokes till I get cute again. . .
  I'm just gonna stay in my room!
  Leo Wong: Stay in room? You so fat, you gonna stay all around room.(4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• Fry: I'll come back and visit when I'm all grown up.
  Leela: Bring beer.
  Morris: No beer till you finish your tequila! (4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• Morris: Now, let's all have some tequila to celebrate!
  Leela: Dad, I'm underage!
  Morris: Oh, right. Here's a silly straw.(4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles)

• "Quit your bragging, my boyfriend's alive too! (sound of something falling to the floor) oops not anymore - woman voice coming through the wall (4ACV12 - The Sting)

• Leela (talking about Fry): He's... He's dead.
  Bender: Aw who will make Bender's wafles just the way he likes them now ? (4ACV12 - The Sting)

• Leela: Is it some sort of brain scanner ?
  Professor: Some sort yes. In France it's called a guillotine.(4ACV12 - The Sting)

• Bender: "If that stuff wasnt real, how can I be sure anything is real?
  Is it not possible, nay, probable that my whole life is just a product of my, or someone elses imagination?
  Upgrade operator: No. Get out. Next?" (4ACV14 - Obsoletely Fabulous)

• Tatoo on Amy Shoulder: Aww I can't wait till the tattoos on Amy's butt hear about this.
  Male voice: Hear about what ?
  Female voice: Tell us!
  <Horse whinnying> (4ACV16 - Three Hundred Big Boys)

• Fry: "How can I live my life when I can't tell good from evil?
  Bender: "Eh, they're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat."

• Bender: "I refuse to fight. I'm a conscientious objector!"
  Fry: "A what?"
  Bender: "You know, a coward."

• Bender: "I need a calculator."
  Fry: "You are a calculator."
  Bender: "I need a good calculator."

• Bender: "You know, I was God once."
  God: "Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died."

• Computer: Leela, you've got mail!
  Leela: Oh...
  Computer: It's not spam!

• Leela: "That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice..."
  Bender: "Thank you."
  Leela: "...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet."
  Bender: "So? It's not like it's the only one we've got."

• Leela: "I love every living creature."
  Fry: "Even me?"
  Leela: "As a friend."

• Leela: "Okay, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can."
  Professor: "You're going to do his laundry?" <slap!>

• Free Waterfall Jr.: "You can't own property, man!"
  "Prof. Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie!"

• Brannigan: "Kif, have 'the boy' lay out my formal shorts.
  Lt. Kif Kroker: 'The boy', sir?
  Brannigan: You, you lay out my formal shorts.
  Lt. Kif Kroker: [sigh]"

• Brannigan: "Just tell me what alien race you want to destroy. And I'll send wave after wave of my own men at them. They will crush them. Right men?
  Man: (in distance) You're an idiot, Brannigan!"

• Professor (asking Leela): who are you talking to?"
  Brannigan: Just a broken down hobo who's hit rock bottom, and his commanding officer. (points at himself)

• Professor: "Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job."
  Bender: "Well, I do think of human life as expendable."

• Fry: "You mean that chip will allow Bender to experience emotions?"
  Professor Farnsworth: "If by 'allow' you mean 'force', yes."
  

• Fry: I've only got two fantasies left: to be invisible in a chocolate factory, and to be romantically linked to a celebrity.
  Bender: I could pound your head 'til you think that's what happened.
  Fry: Okay.

• Fry: You gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?
  Bender: You could drop dead. That'd show 'em.
  Fry: I don't wanna.

• Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal. And that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
  Zoidberg: Damn right.
  Fry: And the professor's a senile amoral crackpot.
  Professor: Oyeeaii. (waves)
  Fry: Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
  Hermes: Tally me banana.
  Fry: Amy is a klutz from Mars.
  Amy: Whoops. (drops her glass)
  Professor: And Fry, you've got that brain thing.
  Fry: I already did!

• Fry: What are we going to do?
  Professor: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
  Amy: No, let's buy internet stock.
  Zoidberg: On margin! Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
  Hermes: Look at me! I'm invisible.
  Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
  Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party!
  Everyone: Yeah!

• Fry: "Listen, Bender, where's your bathroom?"
  Bender: "Bath what?"
  Fry: "Bathroom."
  Bender: "What room?"
  Fry: "Bathroom!"
  Bender: "What what?"
  Fry: "Ah, nevermind."

• Leela: Zoidberg!
  Zoidberg: Sorry, you must have been boring.

• Professor: "Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet."
  Bender: "Why can't they go today?"
  Professor: "Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive."

• Bender: I ain't your loverboy Flexo, the guy you love so much. You even love anybody pretending to be him!
  Angleyne: Well, maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you're pretending to be.
  Bender: Oh, how I wish I could believe or understand that.

• Hermes: Dating your ex, Fry? Have you lost all self-respect?
  Fry: All what?

• Gypsy robot: You want to die?
  Bender: No, I wanna live! There's still too many things I don't own.

• Leela: Ah, maybe they're right, maybe Nibbler is dumb.
  Fry: Don't listen to them, Leela. People said I was dumb but I proved them!

• Niblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
  Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.

• Cop: "He's making a break for it. Get him!"
  Fry: "No, no, I was just picking my nose."
  Cop: "He's picking his nose. Get him!"

• Bender: "One of you will have to fill in for me while I'm gone."
  Professor Farnsworth: "Better yet, I'll build someone to fill in for you. Some kind of gamma-powered mechanical monsters with freeway on-ramps for arms and a heart as black as coal..."

• Leela: "Where were you at 10pm last night?"
  Prof. Farnsworth: "Where am I now?"

• Amy: "Hey, you know what'd cheer you up? You should get yourself a puppy."
  Leela: "A puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies." <cries>

• Fry: "Make up some feelings and tell her you have them. Yes?"
  Zoidberg: "Is the desire to mate a feeling?"

• Morbo: "Morbo demands an answer to the following question. If you saw a delicious candy in the hands of a small child. Would you seize and consume it?"
  John Jackson: "Unthinkable."
  Jack Johnson: "I wouldn't think of it."
  Morbo: "What about you Mr. Nixon? I remind you. You are under of a truth-o-scope."
  Nixon: "Question is vague. You don't say what kind of candy and whether anyone is watching. And, anyway, I certainly wouldn't harm the child."

• (on a new assignment) Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
  Professor Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name, like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the Zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror!

• Human female: "All in all. This is one day that Mittens the kitten will not soon forget."
  Morbo: "Kittens give Morbo gas. In other news the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny inferior brain."

• Fry: "I have an plan!"
  Leela: "I have a better plan."

• Fry: "Huh, A female leader."
  Leela: "Shut up Fry!"
  Fry: "Yes Captain."

• Supplicant: "Please, Don-Bot... look into your hard drive and open your mercy file!"
  Don-Bot: "File not found."

• Morbo: Morbo wishes these storward nomads [turtles] peace among the Dutch tulips!
  Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.
  Morbo (shouting at Linda): Windmills do not work that way! (turns to camera) Goodnight!

• Morbo: Morbo can't understand his teleprompter. He forgot how you say that letter that looks like a man with a hat.
  Linda: It's a "T". It goes "Tuh."
  Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you!

• Lucy Liu: "If you want to know who the real vampire is, Mr. Mayor, look in the mirror."
  Mr. Mayor: "I can't! I'm a vampire!"

Non character quotes and signs

• "Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't." -Advertisement (1ACV02 - The Series Has Landed)

• Futurama is brought to you by Thompson's Teeth, the only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth. (3ACV11 - Insane In The Mainframe)

• Welcome to Florida
  official state jokes:
  - old people
  - walking catfish
  - recounts (4ACV09 - Teenage Mutant Leelas Hurdles)

• HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots

• Loosely confederated colors of Benetton

• Oscar Party
  No losers admitted

• Got protoplasm?

• Got milk?
  Then you're human and must be killed

• Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter

New quotes

• "Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich tasty courage." -Professor Farnsworth

• (In a sad voice) "This isn't war, it's murder." (In a cheery voice) "This isn't war, it's moirder." - iHawk

On being told he's the most important person in the Universe

• Fry: So the way I feel when I'm drunk is *right*?

Nibbler: Yes. Except the Dave Matthews Band does not rock.