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Galaxy Quest
Galaxy Quest is a 1999 motion picture in which the actors from a "cult classic" science-fiction television show are recruited by aliens to carry out their roles on a real mission in outer space. A parody of Star Trek and the cult following and conventions it has spawned.
- Directed by Dean Parisot . Story by David Howard . Screenplay by David Howard and Robert Gordon .
- Starring Tim Allen , Sigourney Weaver , and Alan Rickman .
"Never give up, never surrender!"
Jason Nesmith (Cmdr. Peter Quincy Taggart)
- "Never give up, never surrender!"
- "Whoo! Your commander... is on deck."
- "There is no quantam flux, there's no auxiliary, there's no goddamned ship! You got it?"
- "You know, guys, I had a late night with a Cremorian Fangor Beast, so I'm gonna just shut my eyes for a little bit. Go on, I'm listening to everything you say."
- "Guys, I was there. I was up there. Remember yesterday at the convention, those people dressed up like aliens? They were aliens! They were Termites, or-or Dalmatians... I can't really remember 'cause I was hung over. But what they built was extraordinary!"
- "Guys, digitize me! DIGITIZE ME!"
Alexander Dane (Dr. Lazarus)
- "By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged."
- "You broke the ship? You broke the bloody ship?"
- "Ludicrous! Why are you listening to this fellow? May I remind you, he's wearing a costume, not a uniform!"
- "Oh, RIGHT! Of course! It's always about you, isn't it?"
- "I see you've managed to get your shirt off."
Gwen DeMarco (Lt. Tawny Madison)
- "We are actors, not astronauts."
- "Look, I have ONE job on this lousy ship! It's stupid, but I'm gonna do it, OKAY?
- "I remember that sound - that's a bad sound!"
- "Self-control? That's funny, coming from a man who slept with every Turathian slave-girl and Moon Princess on the show."
- "Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!"
- "Whoever wrote this episode should DIE!"
Fred Kwan (Tech Sgt. Chen)
- "I think we should have just taken the gig. I mean, who knows the next time he'll ask us?"
- "Hmm.That was a hell of a thing."
- "Hi, guys. Listen, they're telling me the, uh, the generators can't take it. The ship's breaking up and stuff. Just F.Y.I."
- "That was right again, guys. Great job! Come on, group hug."
- "It's the simple things in life that you treasure."
Guy Fleegman (Crewman #6 in Episode 81)
- "You probably don't remember me, do you? It's the sunglasses, right? I was on the show in '82. Episode 81. I was Crewman Number Six. I got killed by a lava monster before the first commercial."
- "I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man!"
- "Something bad happened here."
- "Did you guys ever watch the show?"
- "We're... we're doing Episode... 81? I died in Episode 81!
Sarris
- "Here are my demands - and if I do not hear what I like, there will be blood and pain beyond imagining!"
- "At every turn you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination!"
- "You have all done far more damage than I ever could."
- "How adorable! The actors are going to play war with me!"
Others
- "Comm-mmander, we are Thermians from the Klaatu Nebula. We-ee need your help!" - Mathesar
- "We have enjoyed preparing many of your esoteric dishes. Your Monte Cristo sandwich has become a favorite among the adventurous." - Mathesar
- "You know, with all that makeup, I actually thought you were smart for a second." - Tommy Webber
- "Pedal to the metal, commander!" - Tommy Webber
- "It's Doctor Lazarus, ALexander Dane! Give him a big hand, he's British!" ~ Announcer at Galaxy Quest convention
Dialogue
- Alexander Dane: How did I come to this?
- Tommy Webber: Not again.
- Alexander: I played Richard the Third!
- Fred Kwan: Five curtain calls.
- Alexander: There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, damn it! Now look at me. Look at me! I can't go out there, and I won't say that stupid line one more time. I can't and I won't!
- Gwen DeMarco: Well, Alex, at least you had a part, okay? You had a character people loved. My TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs and how they fit into my suit. Nobody even bothered to ask what I do on the show.
- Fred: You had the... wait, I'll think of it...
- Gwen: I repeated the computer, Fred.
- Jason Nesmith: You will go out there!
- Alexander Dane: I won't. And nothing you can say will make me.
- Jason: "The show must go on."
- Alexander: ...Damn you. Damn you!
- (Gwen watches Jason interact with fans at the convention.)
- Gwen: You've got to admit, they really do love him.
- Tommy: Yeah - almost as much as he loves himself.
- Gwen: Take it from us. We've been all over the universe.
- Fred: But we've never never seen space-age values like the ones here at...
- Tommy: Tech Value Electronics Superstore!
- (After a long pause, Gwen nudges Alexander with her elbow.)
- Alexander, miserably: By Grabthar's hammer... what a savings.
- Jason: Gwen-Gwen-Gwen, stop! You know me, and I'm a lot of things, but am I crazy?
- Gwen: You know, it's one thing to treat us this way. It's another thing to do it to your fans.
- Jason: She's not a fan! This is a - this is a Termite!
- Gwen: You.. know us? (The Thermians laugh.)
- Mathesar: I don't believe there is a man, woman, or child on my planet who does not. In the years since we first recieved transmission of your historical documents, we have studied every facet of your missions and strategies.
- Tommy: You've been watching the show --
- Jason: Lieutenant! Historical documents.
- Tommy: The... historical documents... from out here?
- Mathesar: Yes. In the past hundred years our society had fallen into disarray. Our goals, our values had become scattered. But since the transmission we have modeled every aspect of our society from your example, and it has - saved us. Your courage and teamwork and friendship through adversity. In fact, all you see around you has been taken from the lessons garnered from the historical documents.
- Gwen: We are not the people you think we are.
- Mathesar: I don't understand.
- Alex: Don't you make any TV shows on your planet? Any theater, films?
- Mathesar: The historical documents of your culture, yes. In fact, we have begun to document our own history from your example.
- Gwen: No, not historical documents. They're not all historical documents. I mean, surely you don't think "Gilligan's Island" is a --
- (The Thermians moan in unison.)
- Mathesar: Those poor people...
- Former Thermian commander: I have told you all I know. If there is any mercy in you at all, please... let me die.
- Sarris: When I grow weary of the noises you make, then you shall die!
- Guy, looking at sensor display: Hey, guys? Th-there's a red thingy... moving toward the green thingy.
- Jason: What?
- Guy: Red thingy. Moving toward the green thingy. I think... we're the green thingy.
- (Tommy is trying to steer the ship through a minefield.)
- Alex: Could you possibly try not to hit every single one?
- Tommy: Hey, I'm trying! But they're moving toward us! I think they're magnetic or something.
- (The actors are flying a shuttle to an alien planet.)
- Guy, whimpering: I changed my mind, I wanna go back.
- Alex: After the fuss you made about getting left behind?
- Guy: Yeah, but that's when I thought I was the crewman that stays on the ship and something is up there and it kills me. But now I'm thinking I'm the guy that gets killed by some monster five minutes after we land on the planet.
- Jason: You're not going to die on the planet, Guy.
- Guy: I'm not? Then what's my last name?
- Jason: It's, um... um, um... I don't know.
- Guy: Nobody knows. You know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name... because I'm gonna die five minutes in.
- Gwen: Guy, you have a last name.
- Guy, hysterical: Do I? DO I?
- Gwen: Look at that - look. They look like little children.
- Alex: Could they be the miners?
- Fred: Sure. I mean, they're like three years old.
- Alex: Miners, not minors.
- Fred: You lost me.
- Guy: I don't like this. I don't like this at all.
- Gwen: Oh, they are so cute!
- Guy: Sure, they're cute now. But in a second they're gonna get mean, and they're gonna get ugly somehow, and there's gonna be a million more of them.
- (Fred Kwan has tested the "digital conveyor" teleportation device on a pig-lizard that was chasing Jason Nesmith.)
- Jason: What was that?
- Alex: Uh, nothing.
- Jason: I heard some squealing or something.
- Gwen: No, everything is fine.
- Teb: But - the animal is inside out.
- Jason: I heard that! It got turned inside out?
- (The pig-lizard bursts, spattering the area with gore.)
- Teb: And it exploded.
- Jason: Did I just hear that the animal turned inside out and then EXPLODED?
- Gwen: Um... hold, please.
- (Jason Nesmith is being menaced by a huge monster made of rocks.)
- Tommy: Jason, go for its eyes!
- Jason: It doesn't have any eyes!
- Tommy: Well, then go for the throat or something - its vulnerable spots.
- Jason: It's a ROCK! It doesn't have any vulnerable spots!
- Guy: I know! You'll need to make a weapon. Look around you - can you construct some sort of rudimentary lathe?
- Jason: A LATHE? Get off the line, Guy!
- Alex: Jason, you're just going to have to figure out what it wants. What is its motivation?
- Jason: It's a rock monster! It doesn't HAVE any motivation!
- Alex: That was always your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft.
- Fred: We gotta turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone.
- Guy: Listen - I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this. (he brandishes an oversize alien gun) I'm okay. I might be able to hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape.
- Fred: That's suicide!
- Guy: I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I gotta die I'd rather go out a hero than a coward.
- Fred: Guy - Guy, maybe you're the plucky comedy relief. You ever think about that?
- Guy: Plucky?
- Gwen: What is this thing? There's no useful purpose for there to be a bunch of chompy, crushy things in the middle of a hallway!
- Jason: Gwen --
- Gwen: No! I mean, we shouldn't have to do this! It makes no logical sense! Why is it here?
- Jason: Because it's on the television show.
- Gwen: Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was BADLY WRITTEN!
- (Quillek, the Thermian who lived in imitation of Dr. Lazarus, has just been shot by Sarris' troops.)
- Alex: Quillek, it wasn't too bad. We'll get you to the medical room. You'll be fine.
- Quillek: It has been my greatest honor to serve with you. I have been blessed. I,I...
- Alex: Don't speak, Quillek.
- Quillek: You'll forgive my impertinence sir, but... even though we had never before met, I always considered you... as a father to me.
- Alex, with feeling: Quillek... by Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged!
- (The "Protector" is on a collision course with Sarris' ship.)
- Sarris: Let me remind you, sonny, I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake!
- Jason: Well, let me tell you something, Sarris. It doesn't take a great actor to recognize a bad one. You're sweating!
- Gwen: Armor almost gone, Jason.
- Sarris: You fool! You fail to realize that with your armor gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper!
- Jason: And what you fail to realize is that my ship is dragging mines!
- Tommy: Set a course for home, commander?
- Jason: Can you do that?
- Tommy: Oh, yeah, it's just point-and-click. Oh - but we gotta go through the black hole, though.
Cast
- Tim Allen - Jason Nesmith/Cmdr Peter Quincy Taggart
- Sigourney Weaver - Gwen DeMarco/Lt. Tawny Madison
- Alan Rickman - Alexander Dane/Doctor Lazarus
- Tony Shalhoub - Fred Kwan/Tech Sergeant Chen
- Daryl Mitchell - Tommy Webber/Lt. Laredo
- Sam Rockwell - Guy (Fleegman)
- Enrico Colantoni - Mathesar
- Robin Sachs - Sarris
- Patrick Breen - Quellek
- Jed Rees - Teb
- Missi Pyle - Laliari/Jane Doe
- Justin Long - Brandon Wheeger
External links
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