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George Carlin
George Carlin (born 1937)
American comedian
Don't Blame Me
- Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.
- Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.
- And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.
(Source: George Carlin's official Web site)
Famous people
- Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
- Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
- George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
- If Frank Sinatra owed you a favor, you should ask him to have one of his buddies kill Andy Williams.
- If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
- What year did Jesus think it was?
Places
- I like Florida. Everything is in the eighties. The temperatures, the ages, and the IQs.
- It's a sad thing to visit Oklahoma and see Indians wearing cowboy hats.
- Why do the Dutch people have two names for their country, Holland and the Netherlands, and neither one includes the word Dutch?
- There ought to be at least one round state!
Politics
- Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?
- Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
- Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
- Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
- Our nation was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free... So, we kept our black African people, in order to fight and kill the white English people, so we could move west and steal the land from the red Indian people, and then move south and steal the land from the brown Mexican people, which would give us a place to take off and bomb the yellow Japanese people! You know what the motto for this country oughtta be? "YOU GIVE US A COLOR, AND WE`LL WIPE IT OUT!"
- Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.
- Balance the stupid fucking budget!
Religion
- Religion easily—has the best bullshit story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, where nobody can retrieve it.
- I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Sports
- Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror.
- If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
General
- The future will soon be a thing of the past.
- The best thing about living at the water's edge. You only have assholes on three sides of you and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
- Tonight's weather, dark, continuing mostly dark tonight, leading to widely scattered areas of light in the morning.
- The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!
- Source: "Ten Things That Piss Me Off"
- People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
- Source: "Ten Things That Piss Me Off"
- The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
- A day off is always more welcome when it's unexpected.
- Cancer research is a growth industry.
- Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
- Have you ever noticed, in traffic, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac! "Would you look at this idiot? Take a look at this idiot right here, just creeping along... Woah, look at that maniac go!"
- Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
- I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.
- I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.
- I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
- I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
- If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
- If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?
- In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- "Meow" means "woof" in cat.
- Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- "No comment" is a comment.
- Nothing is so boring as listening to someone else describe a dream.
- "One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask any addict.
- Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
- The difference between the blues and the blahs is that you can't sing the blahs.
- The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
- There are two pips in a beaut, four beauts in a lulu, eight lulus in a doozy, and sixteen doozies in a humdinger. No one seems to know how many humdingers there are in a lollapalooza.
- When you sneeze, all the numbers in your head go up by one.
- I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
- Wanna help your kids? Leave them the fuck alone!!!
- Why do people say "I'm going to take a shit"?... They don't take a shit, they leave one.
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