Groucho Marx

Table of contents

1 Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 - 1977) 2 Sourced: 3 Attributed: 4 Wrongly attributed:

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890 - 1977)

American comedian and actor

Sourced:

• "A four-year-old child could understand that. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail out of it."
  • Duck Soup when reading a treasure department report. (1933)
• "I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."
  • A Day at the Races. (1937)
• "Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication."
  • The Groucho Phile. (1976)
• "You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are."
  • Duck Soup to a soldier (Harpo as Pinky) about to enter battle. (1933)
• "Gentlemen, Chicolini here may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
  • Duck Soup during the trial. (1933)
• "I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived."
  • Horse Feathers (1932)
• "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
  • Animal Crackers (1930)
• "It is better to have loft and lost than never to have loft at all."
  • Monkey Business, while being chased around a hayloft by a gangster (1931)
• "Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did!"
  • Duck Soup, talking about Dumont as Teasdale (1933)
• "Whatever it is, I'm against it!"
  • Main line in his first musical number in Horse Feathers (1932)
• "I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
  • Duck Soup, talking to Chicolini from the presidential balcony (1933)
• "If I held you any closer I'd be on the other side of you."
  • A Night at the Opera (1935)
• "You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff."
  • Duck Soup (1933)
• "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
  • Duck Soup (1933)
• "Of course you know this means war!"
  • Duck Soup (1933)
• "Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
  • Animal Crackers (1930)
• "What do you say the three of us get married: You girls have everything, you're short and tall, and slim and stout, and blonde and brunette. And that's just the kind of girl I crave!
  • Animal Crackers (1930)
• "While shooting elephants in Africa, I found the tusks very difficult to remove. But in Alabama, the Tuscaloosa...
  • Animal Crackers (1930)

Attributed:

• "A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
• "Blood's not thicker than money.
• "I cannot say that I do not disagree with you.
• "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
• "(taking someone's pulse) Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
• "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
• "A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
• "A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
• "A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
• "A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.
• "Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
• "Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
• "As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
• "Because we were a kid act, we traveled at half-fare, despite the fact that we were all around twenty. Minnie insisted we were thirteen. 'That kid of yours is in the dining car smoking a cigar, ' the conductor told her. 'And another one is in the washroom shaving.' Minnie shook her head sadly. 'They grow so fast.'
• "Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
• "Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
• "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."
• "Go, and never darken my towels again.
• "I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.
• "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
• "I drink to make other people interesting.
• "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
• "I have nothing but respect for you, and not much of that. (SEH)
• "I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
• "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
• "I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
• "I started smoking as soon as I went on the stage. I'd make cigars out of the Morning World when I was a kid.
• "Eventually I smoked Havanas. A cigar makers' organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I don't know if that's true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.
• "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
• "I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
• "I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
• "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
• "I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
• "Ice Water? Get some onions - that'll make your eyes water!"
• "If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
• "In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
• "It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
• "It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
• "Marriage is a wonderful institution ... but who wants to live in an institution ?"
• "Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
• "Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
• "Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
• "My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
• "My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
• "On how it felt to be an elder statesman of comedy, c. late-1960's: [I feel] like an old jerk.
• "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
• "Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
• "Room service? Send up a larger room."
• "Send a bunch of flowers to Mrs Upjohn and put I love you on the back of the bill."
• "She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
• "That kid's so smart, he could be the fifth Marx Brother." A comment he made about Woody Allen.
• "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and
• "The only game I like to play is Old Maid - provided she's not too old.
• "The secret of success is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake those, you've got it made."
• "There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.
• "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
• "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
• "Time wounds all heels."
• "Told that a swimming pool was off-limits to Jews, Groucho replied My son is half-Jewish; can he wade in up to his knees?
• "Well, my daughter's only half-Jewish, could she go up to the middle?" When Groucho was at a restricted golf club and told that Jewish people weren't allowed to use the Swimming Pool
• "When I heard about [the Broadway play] Hair, I was kind of curious about the six naked primates on stage. So I called up the box office and they said tickets were $11 apiece. That's an awful price to pay. I went into the bathroom at home and took off all my clothes and looked in the mirror for five minutes. And I said, 'This isn't worth $11'.
• "Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
• "Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
• "Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
• "Women should be obscene and not heard."
• "Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it."
• "You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?"
• "You're only as young as the woman you feel.
• "You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it."

Wrongly attributed:

• "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
  • In the movie Duck Soup this line is spoken by Chico Marx, who is dressed up as Groucho.