Jack Handey

"Deep Thoughts"

Deep Thoughts were short jokes and one-liners written and read by Jack Handey.

• "If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
• "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.'"
• "Marta talks about sensuality, but I don't think she'd know sensuality if it bit her on the ass."
• "Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot."
• "People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair."
• "Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."
• "When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil."
• "When I was in the 3rd grade, a bully in school started beating me up every day. At first I didn't say anything, but then I told dad. He got a real scared look on his face and asked if the bully had a big dad. I said I didn't know. But he still seemed scared. And just a few days later we moved to a new town. Dad told me that if anyone picked on me, not to fight back. Unless I knew the kid didn't have a dad or the dad was real small. Otherwise just curl up in a ball."

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
• I'd rather be rich than stupid.
• I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
• Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up, little guy.
• To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
• I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."