Jeff Foxworthy

Jeff Foxworthy (born September 6, 1958)

comedian

• "I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did."

• "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong damn house."

• "Whatever cleanin' goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean sumpin' up we're gonna talk about it all year long...'Look don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray, I done got it alright? Did it for you, Sweet Pea.'"

• "Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"

• "You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more."

• "If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty."

• "If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck."

• "If you work without a shirt on and so does your husband, you might be a redneck."