Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld , American comic

• "Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."

• "A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."

• "I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything —which as you know, always leads to something— cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything."

• "I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive."

• "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

• "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."

• "The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun."

• "The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"

• "There is no such thing as 'fun for the whole family.'"

• "A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."

• "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

• "What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked."

• "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'"

• "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'"

• "What's the deal with..."

• "Whatever it takes, how ever long it takes me, wherever it takes me, as long as it takes you away from me"