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Lewis Black
Lewis Black (born August 30 , 1948 ) is an American stand-up comedian . He is currently a member of The Daily Show on Comedy Central.
Act
- Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
- The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
- Turns out we've all been eating the wrong thing...since the dawn of civilization!
- [On Dr. Phil 's energy bars]
- But those aren't the flavors. That'd make too much sense. Apple and pear, according to Dr. Phil, are body types the bars are made for. Hey, I've got some advice. If you look like an apple or a pear, eat an apple or a pear!
- Candy Corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
- MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!
- A week ago today, the northeast experienced the biggest blackout in history. And since then, everyone's been sharing their stories of how they got through the blackout. And I'd just like to say to them: SHUT UP!
- Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.
- Contrary to myth, there won't be a baby boom nine months from now. Population researchers say there's no proof that people have more sex when the power goes out. I know I didn't have any sex during the blackout. How could I? MY COMPUTER WASN'T WORKING!
- You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in ONE SENTENCE....w-what it does....it's illegal.
- [What Black overheard a woman say at an International House of Pancakes]
- If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college...
- While I was in Miami, they stole my rental car, because apparently, they didn't have enough time to load up a gun and shoot me. On the street, there was a Lexus, a BMW, and my car. The rental car. The Plymouth....Horizon. Here's a math question for you, don't ponder it too long or your head'll explode, but how many drugs would you have to consume, in what to pediod of time, to see a Lexus, and a BMW, and go, '...Well, I g-gotta have the Horizon! Are you kidding me, I've never driven a car that's aqua!' So I called the police, I told them, 'They've stolen my rental car, a Plymouth horizon.' And the officer said, 'They mush have taken it for a joyride.' 'Hey. I don't think you're listening, asshole. The car is a Plymouth....HORIZON! It is not a joy - to ride!' We're talking about a car that goes 45 miles per hour WITH THE WIND! If you turn off the air conditioning and supercharge the little motherfucker, you might be able to get it to 48.
- But, however, notice when the Dow Jones went up. It went up while he was getting his winky whacked. So, therefore, all we need is a man to sit in office and recieve blowjobs. And, for the sake of the American people....I would like to be that man.
- [On reporting the windchill]
- They've gotta stop reporting wind chill, that's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, 'well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3.' ...well, then it's minus 3 asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!
- [On the coldest winter ever]
- No, it was the coldest winter, literally, that I can remember in my life. It was really nice weather if you were a fucking moose. If you had fur on your nuts, it was a festival out there.
- [On the settlement of Minnesota]
- I mean, there wasn't something here where people went, 'Oh look, there's a Wal-Mart.' This will be great.
- God damnit, there are different fuck animals. How creepy is that, to turn the corner and go 'Holy shit look at that!!! What the fuck is that??? Let's eat it.'
- ...
- "I realize I use the word 'fuck' a lot, and I'd apologize for that.. but I don't give a shit."
- "In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants."
See also
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