Life

• "If it turns out to be a joke at the end, Im going to be so pissed at whoever started it." ~ AnaMia Padilla

• "All I want from Life is to get out alive..." ~ Anonymous

• "Aristotle taught that the brain exists merely to cool the blood and is not involved in the process of thinking. This is true only of certain persons." ~ Will Cuppy

• "Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up." ~ Jack Handy

• "Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." ~ Jack Handy

• "Do not believe in miracles — rely on them." ~ (origin needed)

• "The meaning of life is to help other people. At least this is a very strong conviction of other people." ~ Gerhard Kocher

• "Do not seek death; death will find you. But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment." ~ Dag Hammarskjold

• "Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air. They are where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." ~ Henry David Thoreau

• "Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines." ~ (origin needed)

• "Etiquette is behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential." ~ Will Cuppy

• "Ever since I was a kid, I've always been a real deep thinker and stuff." ~ Billy Ray Cyrus

• "Everybody has their moment of great opportunity in life. If you happen to miss the one you care about, everything else in life becomes eerily easy." ~ Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

• "Hush. For we are going to stay buried here in this tomb together for a very, very long time, so hug me!" ~ Juan Ruflo

• "I am waiting for a sign that will indicate to me what meaning I must give to my life, but right now my existence is satisfactory." ~ Lucy Lawless

• "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying." ~ Woody Allen

• "I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas." ~ Jack Handy

• "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." ~ Gilda Radner

• "I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad." ~ Jack Handy

• "I'd rather be rich than stupid." ~ Jack Handy

• "I'm not afraid of death. It's the stake one puts up in order to play the game of life." ~ Jean Giraudoux, Amphitryon

• "If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'" ~ Jack Handy

• "If man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live." ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

• "If our brains were simple enough to be understood; we'd be so simple that we couldn't." ~ (origin needed)

• "If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads." ~ Anatole France

• "If you are keeping your head while others around you are losing theirs, perhaps you've misunderstood the whole situation." ~ (origin needed)

• "If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy." ~ Jack Handy

• "If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.'" ~ Jack Handy

• "If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you." ~ (origin needed)

• "If your parents never had children, chances are ... neither will you." ~ Dick Cavett

• "Is that your own life you're living?" ~ Rachelle Ferrell
  • Intro on her CD 'Individuality'

• "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings." ~ Dan Cook

• "It ain't over till it's over." ~ Yogi Berra

• "It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man." ~ Jack Handy

• "It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy ... Let's go exploring!" ~ Calvin, in It's a Magical World by Bill Watterson

• "Labels are for cans, not people." ~ Anthony Rapp

• "Life. Don't talk to me about life" ~ Marvin the paranoid android

• "Life is a great bundle of little things." ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

• "Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it." ~ Dave Barry

• "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering— and it's all over much too soon." ~ Woody Allen

• "Life is too important to be taken seriously." ~ Oscar Wilde

• "Live to love life, and love to live life" ~ Sammy Gouti

• "Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind'. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind." ~ Jack Handy

• "Nearly all the best things that came to me in life have been unexpected, unplanned by me." ~ Carl Sandburg

• "Opportunity is missed by most people because it's dressed in overalls and looks like work." ~ Thomas Edison

• "Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick." ~ Jack Handy

• "Reality is a term for people who refuse to see things as they can be, so that they might be, instead seeing things as they are, and lazily assuming that's how they'll always be." ~ Walter White

• "So many people tiptoe through life, so carefully, to arrive, safely, at death." ~ (origin needed)

• "Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done." ~ Jack Handy

• "The difference between theory and practice is that in theory there isn't any." ~ (origin needed)

• "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." ~ Jon Hammond

• "The Human Brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public!" ~ Sir George Jessel

• "The real world: no time to do it right, but always time to do it over." ~ Rex Jaeschke

• "The Road goes ever on and on,
  Down from the door where it began.
  Now far ahead the road has gone,
  And I must follow, if I can,
  Pursuing it with eager feet,
  Until it joins some larger way
  Where many paths and errands meet.
  And wither then? I cannot say." ~ Bilbo Baggins, The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien. The same poem, in another version, occurs in The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship.

• "There are two kinds of fool. One says, 'This is old, and therefore good.' And one says, 'This is new, and therefore better.'" ~ Dean Inge

• "To live is to die." ~ Cliff Burton

• "To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." ~ Jack Handy

• "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." ~ (origin needed)

• "Two men look out through the same bars:
  One sees the mud, and one the stars." ~ Frederick Langbridge , 'A Cluster of Quiet Thoughts'

• "We are born with two incurable diseases, life, from which we die, and hope, which says maybe death isn't the end." ~ Andrew Greeley

• "We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me." ~ Jack Handy

• "What a folly to dread the thought of throwing away life at once, and yet have no regard to throwing it away by parcels and piecemeal." ~ John Howe

• "While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die." ~ Leonardo Da Vinci

• "Who lives without folly isn't as reasonable as he thinks he is." ~ François de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

• "With dried blood stiff on my temples I climbed the hill, cursing the satanic way of men, yet knowing myself vile, for they had not known what they were doing, but I betrayed an innocent; and the tears— weaks whiskey tears— would not wash from my brow the blood of a little brother." [after a killing of a badger by villagers] ~ Henry Williamson in The Village Book

• "Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret." ~ (origin needed)

• "Life is like a sewer - what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." ~ Tom Lehrer

• Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant

• Every day is my best day; this is my life. I'm not going to have this moment again. - Bernie Siegel