Lily Tomlin

Lily Tomlin

(Born September 1, 1939) American actress and comedian

• All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

• For fast acting relief, try slowing down.

• I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
  • Variant: Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

• I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.

• Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then— we elected them.

• No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.

• Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

• Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.

• Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.

• The best mind-altering drug is the truth.

• The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year, everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

• The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

• There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

• Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

• Truth is, I've always been selling out. The difference is that in the past, I looked like I had integrity because there were no buyers.

• We are all in this together, by ourselves.
  • Variant: We're all in this alone.

• We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

• Why is it when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

• Wouldn't it be great of we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The world would be full of Nurses, Firemen, and Ballerinas.

• If you read a lot of books, you're well read, but if you watch a lot of TV you're not well viewed.

As "Ernestine" the Telephone Operator.

• Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?

• How may I, in all humble servitude, be of assistance?

• One ringy dingy. . . two ringy dingy.

• We're the phone company. We don't care; we don't have to.

• What's that Mr. Veedle? Privileged information?...that's so cute.

• You're dealing with the phone company, Mr. Veedle. We are not bound by city, state, or federal regulations. We are omneepeetent.

• You are not dealing with just anyone's fool. I am a high-school graduate.

• Don't hang up. You've angered me, and when you anger me you anger the phone company and all the power necessary to tie up your lines for the next fifty years. Do I make myself clear?

• Well Mr. Bush, it MAY be true that Mr. Kerry avoided being in a war, but at least he didn't start one.
  • (At a political event doing a sketch pretending to transfer a call by George W. Bush)