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Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) Directed by Terry Gilliam & Terry Jones
For more of Monty Python, see also: Monty Python's Flying Circus, Life of Brian, and Monty Python's the Meaning of Life
- Peasant 1: How do you know he's a king?
Peasant 2: He hasn't got shit all over him.
- Sir Bedevere: "And that my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped."
King Arthur: "This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Please explain to me again how sheep's bladders may be used to prevent earthquakes."
Sir Bedevere: "Certainly my liege..."
Sir Lancelot: "Look my liege!!!"
Sir Galahad: "Camelot!"
Sir Lancelot: Camelot..."
King Arthur: "Camelot...."
Patsy: "It's only a model."
King Arthur: "Shh.
King Arthur: "Knights, I welcome you to your new home.... let us ride.... to Camelot!"
- We're knights of the round table, we dance whene'er we're able
We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork im-pec-able
We dine well here in Camelot! We eat ham and jam and spam a lot!
We're knights of the round table, our shows... are for---mid-able
Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quit un-sing-able
It's a happy time in Camelot, we sing from the diapragm a lot!!
In war we're tough and able
Quite in-de-fat-i-gable
Inbetween our quests, we sequin vests, and impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot
I... have... to... push... the... pram-a-lot.
- "On second thought, let us not go to Camelot. 'Tis a silly place."
Animation sequences
- Narrator: In the frozen lands of Nagor, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels. (minstrel figures get pulled behind a rock, munching noises ensue). And there was much rejoicing.
Knights (unenthusiastically): yay....yay....
- Narrator: As the dreaded beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur seemed impossible, when suddenly the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. (cuts to Terry Gilliam the animator keeling over with a hreek)
Arthur and Dennis
- Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: MAN!
Arthur: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis: I'm 37.
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37! I'm not old!
Arthur: Well, I can't just call you "man".
Dennis: You could say "Dennis".
Arthur: I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Dennis: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur: I did say I'm sorry about the old woman thing, but from behind you looked...
Dennis: What I object is to you automatically treat me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well, I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king, eh - very nice. And how'd you get that, then? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress...
Woman: Dennis, Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here. Oh, how'd you do?
Arthur: How'd you do good lady? I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
Woman: King of the who?
Arthur: The Britons.
Woman: Who are the Britons?
Arthur: Well, we all are. We are all Britons and I am your king.
Woman: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis: You're foolin' yourself. We're living in a dicatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working class...
Woman: Oh there you go bringing class into it again!
Dennis: That's what it's all about! If only people would realize...
Arthur: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman: No one lives there.
Arthur: Then who is your lord?
Woman: We don't have a lord.
Arthur: What?!
Dennis: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort of executive officer for the week.
Arthur: Yes.
Dennis: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting...
Arthur: Yes, I see.
Dennis:...by a simple majority. In the case of purely internal affairs...
Arthur: Be quiet.
Dennis:...require two thirds majority. In the case of old ladys...
Arthur: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman: Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well, how did you become King, then?
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake,... [Angel chorus begins singing in background] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Angel chorus ends] That is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: —but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Dennis: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur: Shut up!
Dennis: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Arthur: Bloody peasant!
Dennis: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
The Black Knight
- King Arthur: "Greetings good sir knight." (no response from the black knight)
- King Arthur: "I am Arthur, king of the Britons. (still no response)
- King Arthur: "I seek the finest knights in the land to join me and my court at Camelot." (still no response)
- King Arthur: "You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?" (still no response)
- King Arthur: "You make me sad, so be it. Come, Patsy."
- Black Knight: "None shall pass."
- King Arthur: "What?"
- Black Knight: "None shall pass."
- King Arthur: "I have no quarrel with you, good sir knight, but I must cross this bridge."
- Black Knight: "Then... you... shall... die."
- King Arthur: "I command you.... as King of the Britons.... to stand aside!"
- Black Knight: "I move...... for no man"
- King Arthur: "So be it!"
(rounds of melee, with Arthur cutting off the left arm of the black knight"
- King Arthur: "Now stand aside, worthy adversary."
- Black Knight: "'Tis but a scratch."
- King Arthur: "A scratch?!? Your arm's off!"
- Black Knight: "No it isn't."
- King Arthur: "Well what's that then?" (Pointing to the knight's arm lying on the ground)
- Black Knight: "I've had worse."
- King Arthur: "You liar!"
- Black Knight: "Come on, you pansy!" (Proceeds to chop the knight's remaining arm off)
- King Arthur: "Victory is mine! (kneels and starts to pray, when he is kicked in the head by the armless knight)
- Black Knight: "Come on then..."
- King Arthur: "You are indeed brave, good sir knight, but the fight is mine."
- Black Knight: "Oooohhh, had enough, eh?"
- King Arthur: "Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!"
- Black Knight: "Yes I have."
- King Arthur: "Look!!!"
- Black Knight: "It's just a flesh wound." (Continues to kick and taunt King Arthur)
- King Arthur: "Look, I'll have your leg."
- Black Knight: "Chicken, chicken...."
- King Arthur: RIGHT!" (chops off one of the knights legs)
- Black Knight: "Right, I'll do you for that!"
- King Arthur: "You'll what?"
- Black Knight: "Come here!"
- King Arthur: "What are you going to do, bleed on me???"
- Black Knight: "I'm invicible!!!"
- King Arthur: "You're a looney."
- Black Knight: "The Black Knight always triumphs!!! Have at you!!! Come on then." (hopping on one leg towards King Arthur)
(King Arthur chops his other leg off, leaving his body upright on the ground)
- King Arthur: "Alright, we'll call it a draw."
(Arthur and Pasty start to leave the scene)
- "Running away, eh? You yellow bastard, come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!"
Asking about the Grail
- "Uh, he's already got one you see."
- Notes: French knight's retort to King Arthur's attempt to see the leader of the castle for help looking for the grail
Swamp Castle
- "One day, lad, all this will be yours."
"What, the curtains?"
- "Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Everyone said it was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. Then I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one...stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these islands."
- "Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain..."
"I don't want land."
"Listen, Alice..."
"Herbert"
"Herbert... We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get!"
"I don't like her."
"Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful... she's rich... she's got huge... (gestures to his chest) tracts of land."
- King of Swamp Castle: "This is Sir Launcelot from the Court of Camelot! He is a very brave and influential knight and my special guest today."
Wedding guest: "He's killed my auntie!"
King: "No, please! This is meant to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue over who killed who... We are here to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. Now unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death....But I don't want to think I've lost a son as much as gained a daughter for, since the tragic death of her father..."
Shout from back of hall: "He's not quite dead!"
King: "Since the fatal wounding of her father..."
Shout from back: "I think he's getting better!"
King (discreet nod to soldier): For... since her father... who when he seemed about to recover... suddenly felt the icy... hand of death upon him" (scuffle at the back)
Shout from back: "Oh, he's died!"
King: "I want his only daughter, from now onwards, to think of me as her own dad... in a very real and legally binding sense."
- (chanting) "Pies iesu domine, dona eis requiem." (whack)
- Notes: Chanted by a group of monks carrying fairly large wooden boards
- Notes: Translated: Merciful Lord Jesus, grant them rest.
- "I fart in your general direction!"
- "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"
- Notes: French Knight insulting King Arthur.
The Witch
- Angry Mob: "We've found a witch, may we burn her?"
- King Bedevere: "Bring her forward." (Examines the girl) "How do you know she is a witch?"
- Angry Mob: "Well, she looks like one"
- The Witch: "They dressed me up like this.... and this isn't my nose, it's a false one."
- King Bedevere: "Did you dress her up like this?"
- Angry Mob: "NO...No.... a bit, a bit. We did do the nose"
- King Bedevere: "The nose....?"
- Angry Mob: "And the hat, but she is a witch. Look she's got a wart."
- King Bedevere: "What makes you think that she is a witch?"
- Angry Mob: "What, she turned me into a newt."
- King Bedevere: "A newt?"
- Angry Mob: "........... i got better."
- "BURN HER ANYWAY!!!! BURN HER!!!!"
- King Bedevere: "Quiet, quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch."
- Angry Mob: "There are??? Are there??? Tell us. Tell us. Do they hurt?"
- King Bedevere: "Tell me, what do you do with witches?"
- Angry Mob: "Burn Them!"
- King Bedevere: "And what do you burn apart from witches?"
- Angry Mob: "More witches!" (peasant gets slapped)
- Angry Mob: "Wood!"
- King Bedevere: "So, why do witches burn?"
- Angry Mob: "Because they're made of... wood?"
- King Bedevere: "Good! So how do we tell whether she is made of wood?"
- Angry Mob: "Build a bridge out of her!"
- King Bedevere: "Ahh, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"
- Angry Mob: "Oh ya."
- King Bedevere: "Tell me, Does wood sink in water?"
- Angry Mob: "No, no, it floats."
- Angry Mob: "Throw her into the pond!"
- King Bedevere: "What also floats in water?"
- Angry Mob: "Bread, apples, very small rocks, cider, gravy, cherries, mud, churches, lead..."
- King Arthur: "A duck!"
- King Bedevere: "Exactly! So, logically....."
- Angry Mob: "If she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood."
- King Bedevere: "And therefore?"
- Angry Mob: "A Witch!"
The Knights who say "Ni!"
- "Ni!"
- We are no longer the knights who say NI!, we are now the knights who say "EKKE EKKE EKKE EKKE PTANG ZU-FOYBINS ZOWZIM!"
- knight in the back:"ni!"
The Bridge of Death
- Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
- Launcelot: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
- Launcelot: My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
- Launcelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
- Launcelot: Blue.
- Bridgekeeper: Right. Off you go.
- Launcelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
- Robin: That's easy!
- Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
- Robin: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
- Robin: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
- Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
[pause]
- Robin: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! (Sir Robin is cast into the gorge of eternal peril.)
- Bridgekeeper: Stop! What... is your name?
- Galahad:'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
- Galahad:I seek the Grail.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
- Galahad:Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh! (Sir Galahad is cast into the gorge of eternal peril.)
- Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name?
- Arthur: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
- Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
- Bridgekeeper: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
- Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
- Bridgekeeper: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh! (The Bridgekeeper is cast into the gorge.)
- Bedevere: Sire, how does one come about to know so much about swallows?
- Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
The Holy Hand Grenade
- "And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying: "Oh Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." The Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and ..."
- "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither countest thou two, excepting that thou then proceedest to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy holy hand grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. (amen)"
- With the Holy Grenade
- Arthur:"One...Two...Ah, five..."
- "That's three, sir."
Opening credits
- Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?
- See the løveli lakes...
- The wonderful telephøne system...
- And mäni interesting furry animals...
- Including the majestik møøse.
- A møøse once bit my sister.
- Nø realli! She was Karving her initials øn the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink".
- We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.
- Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretti nasti.
- We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.
- (Møøse Trained by Yutte Hermsgervørdenbrøtbørda)
- (Special møøse effect Olaf Prot)
- (Møøse Costumes Siggi Churchill)
- (Møøse choreographes by Horst Prot III)
- (Miss Taylor's Møøse by Hengst Douglas-Home)
- (Møøse trained to mix concrete and sign complicated insurance form by Jurgen Wigg)
- (Møøses noses wiped by Bjørn Irkestøm-SLater Walker)
- (Large møøse on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a thorough grounding in Latin, French and 'O' Level Geography by Bo Benn)
- (Suggestive poses for the møøse suggested by Vic Rotter)
- (Antler-care by Liv Thatcher)
- The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked. The credits have been completed in a entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.
Cast
Directed by
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
and
TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES
External links
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