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Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by riffing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing erudite cultural quips with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 episodes (movies), 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the MST3K canon . (See Notes below for help on using this page.)
Notes
- How to use this page. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a tooltip . (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.)
- What kind of quotes to add. Much of the humor in Mystery Science Theater 3000 comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes do include MST3K humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).
- How to format quotes. See the discussion page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.
- What do the colors mean?. The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for MST3K:
| KTMA: Season 0
| Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
|
| Comedy Central: Season 1
| Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
|
| Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5
| Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
|
| Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6
| Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
|
| Comedy Central: Season 7
| Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester
|
| Gramercy: MST3K: The Movie
| Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester
|
| Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10
| Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer
|
| Short features (various seasons)
| (various casts & channels)
|
| CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews)
| Mike & the Bots
|
Season 0
The Green Slime
Invaders from the Deep
Revenge of the Mysterons
Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
Gamera vs. Barugon
Gamera
Gamera vs. Gaos
Gamera vs. Zigra
Gamera vs. Guiron
Phase IV
Cosmic Princess
- [Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]
- Tony: 1… 2…
- Servo [as Tony]: 3…
- Tony: 5…
- Joel , Crow , Servo: What?!
- Tony: 6…
- Joel: That's why they're in such trouble.
- Tony: 7… 4.
- Crow: Well, they are British.
Humanoid Woman
Fugitive Alien
SST: Death Flight
Mighty Jack
Superdome
City on Fire
Time of the Apes
The Million Eyes of Sumuru
Hangar 18
The Last Chase
Legend of the Dinosaur
Season 1
The Crawling Eye
The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)
The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)
Mad Monster
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)
Mad Monster (movie)
Women of the Prehistoric Planet
- [Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]
- Lt. Bradley: Hi-keeba!
- [On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]
- Joel : Is he primordial soup yet?
- [At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]
- Joel [as Scott]: I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.
The Corpse Vanishes
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)
The Corpse Vanishes (movie)
The Crawling Hand
- [Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]
- Crow : Hey! Is this "From Here to Eternity"?
- Servo : No, it just seems like an eternity.
Robot Monster
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)
Robot Monster (movie)
- [Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man consults with his boss, the Great Guidance.]
- Great Guidance: To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
- Servo [as Ro-Man]: Me-man?
- Ro-Man: Yes. [in distress] To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
- Great Guidance: You are an extension of the Ro-Man, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you.
- Joel [as Ro-Man]: Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
- Servo [as Great Guidance]: Do not violate ape law!
The Slime People
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)
The Slime People (movie)
Project Moonbase
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)
Project Moonbase (movie)
Robot Holocaust
Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)
Robot Holocaust (movie)
- [Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk. Unfortunately, she doesn't.]
- Valeria: You liv me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
- Torque: Yes!
- Valeria: Do you unduhstand, old man?
- Servo : Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand.
- Valeria: Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
- Joel [as Jorn]: Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd?
- Valeria: Vewy well. Towque, go now.
- Joel [as Jorn]: Uh, what about Barbara Walters, or, uh, Truman Capote? Daffy Duck?
Moon Zero Two
Untamed Youth
The Black Scorpion
Season 2
Rocketship X-M
The Sidehackers
Jungle Goddess
The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)
Jungle Goddess (movie)
- [Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-Superman George Reeves) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]
- Mike: Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
- Joel [as Mike]: Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.
Catalina Caper
- [On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors & The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]
- Servo : I feel a number coming on…
- Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
- Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
- Crow : Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus Ex Sound Machina!
- ⇒ A collision of dance-pop group "Gloria Estefan & the Miami Sound Machine" and the Greek "deus ex machina" (god from machine), an artifical device introduced to solve a difficult problem.
Rocket Attack U.S.A.
The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)
Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie)
Ring of Terror
Ring of Terror (movie)
The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)
Wild Rebels
Lost Continent
- [As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]
- Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?
- Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!
- Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.
- Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
- Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.
The Hellcats
King Dinosaur
X Marks the Spot (short)
King Dinosaur (movie)
First Spaceship on Venus
Godzilla vs. Megalon
- Narrator: The effects of the explosion were wide-spread, even on faraway Monster Island in the South Pacific.
- Crow : Aw, whenever they test nuclear bombs, it's the monsters who suffer.
- [At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]
- Goro: Hey! The rocket!
- Servo : [snorts] Rockets!
- Crow : On a picnic?
- [Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]
- Servo : Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
- Joel : Yeah.
- Servo: Yep!
- Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…
- Jinkawa: Hey, listen. It would be funny if the earthquakes destroyed your robot! Heh.
- Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it'd be funny if the earthquake killed your family!
- Goro: [lighting up] I just don't get it at all.
- Servo : Wha? They're cigarettes!
- [Goro and Rok-san are tied up inside a metal-walled space.]
- Rok-san: What are we going to do? I reckon they mean to kill us!
- Crow : You "reckon"? Hey, you're Japanese, Eb-san.
- [Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]
- Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.
- ⇒ An appropriate paraphrase of a line from "Apocalypse Now ".
- Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
- Servo : No, it's another superhero of your own design.
- Rok-san: Yes it is! It's him, alright!
- Goro: They're controlling him.
- Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go an' get Godzilla!
- Crow : Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it.
- Defense Chief: OPEN FIRE!
- Crow [as Defense Chief]: Kill indiscriminately!
- [Jet Jaguar has just been badly hit by Gigan from behind.]
- Joel [as Jet Jaguar]: Am I high, or did I just get nailed by some gargoyle thing?
- [Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]
- Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
- Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?
- Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
- Servo : Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.
- [Godzilla is pummelling Megalon with a tree.]
- Crow [as Sportscaster]: He's got a tree! He's got a tree! That's not the Godzilla we know — he's fighting dirty!
- [Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]
- Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the law of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!
- Servo [as Announcer]: No Japanese actors in rubber suits were killed during the making of this film.
- [Godzilla is walking away.]
- Rok-san: [shrilly] Bye-bye!
- Joel , Crow , Servo : [shrilly] SHUT UP!!
- Servo : Little twerp.
- Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!
- Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for levelling our country!
- [Rok-san runs down the hill, smiling and waving, toward Jet Jaguar.]
- Rok-san: That was great! Jet Jaguar!
- [Cut to Jinkawa, also running down the hill, smiling and waving.]
- Jinkawa: Jet Jaguar! Thanks a lot!
- [Cut to Goro, also running down the hill, but not smiling or waving.]
- Joel [as Goro]: I don't have a line!
- [Rok-san is riding on Jet Jaguar's shoulders.]
- Servo [as Jet Jaguar]: Hey, get this kid offa me! He's all wet, and he stinks!
Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster
- [Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]
- Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, Tippi Hedren? Get outta here!
- ⇒ Tippi Hedren starred as a woman frequently attacked by the title characters in Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds ".
Season 3
Cave Dwellers
Gamera
- [As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Morasi and the Commander.]
- Kenny: Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
- Joel [as Dr. Morasi]: Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
- Dr. Morasi: Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
- Commander: Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
- Servo [as Morasi]: Because Kenny said so.
- [A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]
- Newsman: There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers…
- Crow [as Newsman]: … and Kenny…
- Dr. Morasi: Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
- Servo : More Gamera movies?
- [Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]
- Announcer: The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
- Joel [as Announcer]: Kenny, however, is free to move about.
Pod People
- [The movie starts, looking through a bedroom window at the crash of lightning and to the sound of thunder.]
- Crow : It was a dark and stormy night. I'd taken a creative writing class.
- [The band has finished singing. Rick smiles and gives the OK sign, but then quickly frowns.]
- Rick: It stinks!
- Joel, Crow, Servo [as Soundtrack Horns]: WAH, WAH, WAH.
- [As the musicians park their camper by a river and set up camp, we hear musical chirps from a synthesizer that are meant to be tweeting birds.]
- Servo : Syntho-birds.
- Crow : Hey, it's a Casio forest.
- Joel : They parked next to a data stream.
- [Tommy surreptitiously carries a bowl and a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]
- Joel (as Tommy): Hey, what gives? I'm on the milk carton!
- [Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]
- Tommy: You see? The pieces go together.
- Joel : Oh, if only this film were so lucky.
- [Trumpy is making things float and spin in the room.]
- Tommy: You can do magic things!
- Crow : It's called "evil", kid.
Gamera vs. Barugon
Stranded in Space
Time of the Apes
Daddy-O
Alphabet Antics (short)
- Narrator: Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!
- Joel [as Narrator]: P is for plagarism from Ogden Nash!
- ⇒ The narrator's line is lifted from "The Pelican", a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.
Daddy-O (movie)
Gamera vs. Gaos
The Amazing Colossal Man
Fugitive Alien
- [In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]
- Mike [as Jack Perkins]: Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… [chuckling] Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.
It Conquered the World
Snow Thrills (short)
It Conquered the World (movie)
Gamera vs. Guiron
- [In the movie credits, we see: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]
- Servo : [singing to the Nestlé's jingle] M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
- Joel : [singing] Movies — NOT!
- [From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]
- Joel , Crow , Servo : Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!
- [At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]
- Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!
- [After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]
- Tomoko: Kon-cha?
- Officer Kondo: Heh? What?
- Joel [as Tomoko]: [whispers] They will all die by Gamera's hand!
- [As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]
- Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!
Earth vs. the Spider
Speech: Using Your Voice (short)
Earth vs. the Spider (movie)
Mighty Jack
- Joel , Crow , Servo : [singing to "Blow the Man Down"]
- Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
- Way hey, slow the plot down!
- Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
- We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
Teenage Caveman
Aquatic Wizards (short)
Catching Trouble (short)
- [Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]
- Ted Husing: Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
- Joel [as Ted Husing]: Kill Colonel Kurtz!
- ⇒ The order received by Capt. Willard in the film "Apocalypse Now ".
- Ted Husing: It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
- Crow [as Groucho Marx]: And two hard-boiled eggs.
- Servo [as Harpo Marx]: Honk!
- Crow [as Groucho Marx]: Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
- ⇒ Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film "A Night at the Opera ".
- [A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]
- Ted Husing: Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
- Crow [as Bobcat]: Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!
- [Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]
- Ted Husing: Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
- Joel : Hurting the people you know and love?
- Crow : Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?
- Ted Husing: Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or…
- Crow : … or call PETA!
- ⇒ PETA is the organization "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals ".
Teenage Caveman (movie)
Gamera vs. Zigra
Viking Women and the Sea Serpent
The Home Economics Story (short)
Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (movie)
Star Force: Fugitive Alien II
- [In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]
- Ken: Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Joel [as Ken]: Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!
- [The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]
- Rocky: It won't be easy getting into this place.
- Ken: How will we do it?
- Rocky: Easy.
- Servo : Wha— wait a minute.
War of the Colossal Beast
Mr. B Natural (short)
War of the Colossal Beast (movie)
The Unearthly
Posture Pals (short)
Appreciating Our Parents (short)
- [Little Tommy is examining his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]
- Narrator: Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt…
- Servo [as Narrator]: … in a prison break.
- Narrator: … and now, it's mended as good as new.
- Joel [as Narrator]: Tommy's the Lathe of Heaven.
- ⇒ Ursula Le Guin's book "The Lathe of Heaven " and the film based on it tell about a man who inadvertently changes reality as he dreams.
The Unearthly (movie)
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Master Ninja I
The Castle of Fu Manchu
Master Ninja II
Season 4
Space Travelers
The Giant Gila Monster
- [Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]
- Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
- Joel : I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
- Chase: [singing] The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
- Crow : That's why the Deuterotomy's so long.
- [While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]
- Joel [as Gila Monster]: And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"
City Limits
Teenagers from Outer Space
Being from Another Planet
Attack of the Giant Leeches
Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)
Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie)
The Killer Shrews
Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)
The Killer Shrews (movie)
Hercules Unchained
Indestructible Man
Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)
Indestructible Man (movie)
Hercules Against the Moon Men
The Magic Sword
Hercules and the Captive Women
Manhunt in Space
General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)
- [Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]
- Crow : Ah, here comes Nurse Feratu.
- ⇒ "Nosferatu " is a famous vampire film.
Manhunt in Space (movie)
Tormented
The Beatniks
General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)
The Beatniks (movie)
Fire Maidens of Outer Space
Crash of the Moons
General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)
Crash of the Moons (movie)
Attack of the Eye Creatures
The Rebel Set
Johnny at the Fair (short)
The Rebel Set (movie)
The Human Duplicators
- [Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]
- Joel : Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
- Servo : Neat!
- [Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]
- Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.
- [In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]
- Servo : Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
- [The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]
- Crow [as Dr. Yung]: [in "Chinese" accent] Do I really look like that?
- Crow: Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
- Joel : I sing the Body Pathetic! Heh.
- [Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]
- Servo: Uh… I think you need more toner!
- [The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]
- Crow: Heh heh heh. Heh! Hunan Duplicators!
- Joel: Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
- Crow: Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
- Joel: Oh, that's enough.
Monster A-Go-Go
Circus on Ice (short)
Monster A-Go-Go (movie)
The Day the Earth Froze
Here Comes the Circus (short)
The Day the Earth Froze (movie)
- [Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]
- Ilmarinen: With this wool, will I clothe you!
- Servo [as Ilmarinen]: With these teeth, will you bite me!
- [The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]
- Servo [as Villager]: Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
- Crow [as Villager]: Yah, it's really too bad.
- Joel [as Villager]: No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
- Servo [as Villager]: Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
- [The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]
- Crow [as Villager]: I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
- [Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel & the Bots sing.]
- Servo [as Villager]: He failed to bring back the Sampo!
- Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
- Servo [as Villager]: We shall die of starvation!
- Joel, Crow [as Villagers]: Sampo!
Bride of the Monster
Hired! Part 1 (short)
Bride of the Monster (movie)
- [Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in smug acceptance.]
- Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God's domain.
Manos: The Hands of Fate
Hired! Part 2 (short)
Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie)
- The Master: You have failed us, Torgo. For this, you must die!
- Crow [as Torgo]: You can't kill me; I quit!
- [There's a jazz song on the soundtrack.]
- Servo: I guess they picked up Shirley Bassey hitchhiking.
- [Torgo walks into the frame with a bizarre tune playing.]
- Crow: The haunting Torgo theme.
- [Looking at a portrait of the Master.]
- Servo: It's a Frank Frazetta of Frank Zappa.
- [Torgo makes a pass at Maggie.]
- Torgo: Forgive me, Madam.
- Servo: Oh, it's Senator Packwood!
- Crow: Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film.
- [Seeing Torgo's unusual gait for the first time.]
- Joel: Ah, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
- Crow: Been hitting the Thighmaster, Torgo?
- Servo: It's like having Joe Cocker as your bellhop.
- [During a scene that involves several women clad in white, diaphanous robes fighting each other.]
- Servo: I'm guessing this is the whole reason this movie was made.
- Master's Wife: The child is a female. She must not be destroyed. She will grow up to be a woman.
- Joel: Oh, is that how that works!
Season 5
Warrior of the Lost World
- [The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]
- Crow : She's got a Lady Hemingway!
- ⇒ Combining the names of the "Lady Remington" electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway , who shot himself in the head.
Hercules
- [Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]
- Joel : Attack of the Mary Martins!
- ⇒ One of actress Mary Martin 's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan .
Swamp Diamonds
What to Do on a Date (short)
Swamp Diamonds (movie)
Secret Agent Super Dragon
The Magic Voyage of Sinbad
Eegah
- [In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]
- Dr. Miller: He left the road right here.
- Off-Camera Voice: Watch out for snakes!
- Servo : Who said that?!
- [At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]
- Joel : Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!
I Accuse My Parents
The Truck Farmer (short)
I Accuse My Parents (movie)
Operation Double 007
The Girl in Lovers Lane
The Painted Hills
Body Care and Grooming (short)
The Painted Hills (movie)
Gunslinger
Mitchell
The Brain That Wouldn't Die
Teen-Age Strangler
Is This Love? (short)
Teen-Age Strangler (movie)
The Wild Wild World of Batwoman
Cheating (short)
The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie)
Alien from L.A.
- [Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]
- Wanda: I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
- Servo [as Robbie]: It's your helium addiction.
- . . .
- Wanda: Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
- Mike [as Robbie]: 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.
Beginning of the End
The Atomic Brain
What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)
The Atomic Brain (movie)
Outlaw
Radar Secret Service
Last Clear Chance (short)
Radar Secret Service (movie)
Santa Claus
Teen-Age Crime Wave
Village of the Giants
12 to the Moon
Design for Dreaming (short)
12 to the Moon (movie)
Season 6
Girls Town
- [Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced Paul Anka).]
- Mr. Clyde: You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
- Servo : Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!
- [At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
- Jimmy: I'm just a lonely boy…
- Mike : Why does that not surprise me?
- [Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]
- Servo : The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.
- [At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]
- Mike : The Velvet Hog!
- ⇒ Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, "The Velvet Fog".
- [Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]
- Servo [as Operator]: Girls Town, please hold.
- Servo [as Hold Music]: [singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"] Our father, who art in heaven…
- . . .
- Servo [as Operator]: All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last.
- ⇒ Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.
Invasion USA
A Date with Your Family (short)
- Narrator: The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
- Mike [as Narrator]: So they're unsuspecting when they kill them.
- [Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]
- Narrator: Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
- Mike [as Narrator]: He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.
- Narrator: Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.
- Servo [as Narrator]: With strychnine!
- Crow [as Daughter]: Salad needs more butter, Mother!
- [Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]
- Narrator: Brother seats Junior…
- Crow [as Narrator]: Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
- Narrator: … then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
- Mike : The less said about this, the better.
- Narrator: Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.
- Crow [as Father]: Please, God, take me now…
- [Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]
- Narrator: They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
- Mike [as Daughter]: No, I- I'll just have Saltines.
- Narrator: I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
- Crow [as Narrator]: Emotions are for ethnic people.
- Narrator: Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
- Servo [as Narrator]: I can't stress "unemotional" enough.
- Servo [as Narrator]: A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.
- Narrator: Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
- Mike [as Narrator]: … than having a personality.
- Narrator: Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.
- Crow [as Narrator]: … and they already dislike you enough.
- [Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]
- Mike [as Father]: Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.
- Narrator: Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
- Mike [as Narrator]: Do you? DO YOU?
- Narrator: And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
- Mike [as Narrator]: WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
- Narrator: When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
- Servo [as Narrator]: … and control and repression.
Invasion USA (movie)
The Dead Talk Back
The Selling Wizard (short)
The Dead Talk Back (movie)
Zombie Nightmare
Colossus and the Headhunters
The Creeping Terror
- [Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]
- Sheriff Ben: It could be one of our missiles.
- Servo [as Martin]: This county has missiles, sir?
- Narrator: The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
- Mike [as Narrator]: … to a sold-out crowd!
- Narrator: Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
- Servo [as Narrator]: And those who did not survive such a catastrophe also would not go there again.
Bloodlust!
Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)
- Narrator: George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day…
- Servo [as Narrator]: Day after life-sucking day!
Bloodlust! (movie)
Code Name: Diamond Head
A Day at the Fair (short)
- [The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]
- Narrator: Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
- Servo [as Narrator/Barker]: Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson!
- ⇒ Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for "The Price is Right ".
- [A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]
- Narrator: Judging cakes oughta be fun.
- Servo [as Narrator]: … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!
- [Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]
- Narrator: Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
- Servo [as Bob]: Where's the corn go?
- Narrator: Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
- Mike [as Narrator]: … over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability.
- ⇒ American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.
- [At the 4H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]
- Narrator: Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
- Crow [as Narrator]: The cows are furious!
Code Name: Diamond Head (movie)
The Skydivers
Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)
- [In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
- Joe: And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
- Mike [as Joe]: [luridly] … then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood…
- Joe: I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust…
- Servo [as Joe]: [nervously] I put them in my underwear!
- Joe: … the bright glare of a welder…
- Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
- Servo [as Joe]: Yes!
- Joe: … the whine of the power tools…
- Mike [as Joe]: … the piercing scream of a freshman…
- Joe: … or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
- Crow [as Joe]: [wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap… I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
The Skydivers (movie)
The Violent Years
A Young Man's Fancy (short)
The Violent Years (movie)
Last of the Wild Horses
The Starfighters
The Sinister Urge
Keeping Clean and Neat (short)
The Sinister Urge (movie)
San Francisco International
Kitten with a Whip
Racket Girls
Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)
Racket Girls (movie)
The Sword and the Dragon
- [Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]
- Ilya: Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
- Servo [as Ilya]: Let us the nasty do.
High School Big Shot
Out of This World (short)
High School Big Shot (movie)
Red Zone Cuba
Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)
- Narrator: The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
- Servo [as Narrator]: … after the human nipple.
Red Zone Cuba (movie)
- [Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson (John Carradine ).]
- Servo : Kid looks like a reporter from the Catholic Digest.
- [A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]
- Mike : [singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]
Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
I got Coleman Francis on my mind.
- [Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his tiny Cuba invasion force.]
- Joe: Men, we're shoving off right after sundown…
- Crow , Servo [as Men]: You shove off!
- Joe: … and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
- Mike [as Joe]: There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
- [As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]
- Mike : Ah! My neck got broken in that jump cut!
Danger!! Death Ray
The Beast of Yucca Flats
Money Talks (short)
- [William looks at a Franklin half-dollar he's holding.]
- William: Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
- Servo : In those days, that'd buy you a car.
- William: Benjamin Franklin, eh?
- Crow [as William]: Bite me, Franklin!
- William: He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
- Crow [as William]: He was the best President we ever had.
- . . .
- [Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]
- Servo : Alfred Hitchcock!
- Ben Franklin: You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father…
- Mike [as Franklin]: … James Joyce.
- Ben Franklin: … something quite unheard of in my day.
- Crow : Fathers?
Progress Island USA (short)
- Narrator: Year-round sun makes this a vacation paradise.
- Crow : And very hard to sleep!
- [Shots of a school are shown.]
- Narrator: Bilingual schools.
- Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students.
- Narrator: A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.
- Crow [as Narrator]: … so you might as well just stay where you are.
- Narrator: For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
- Crow [as Narrator]: … which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
- Mike [as Narrator]: Look, just come here!
- Narrator: The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
- Mike [as Narrator]: … so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.
The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie)
Angels Revenge
The Amazing Transparent Man
The Days of Our Years (short)
The Amazing Transparent Man (movie)
Samson vs. the Vampire Women
- [Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]
- Crow [as Owl]: ¡Qui! ¡Qui!
Season 7
Night of the Bloodbeast
Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)
Night of the Blood Beast (movie)
The Brute Man
The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)
The Brute Man (movie)
Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell
The Incredible Melting Man
Escape 2000
Laserblast
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie
- [Mike and the Bots have just recovered from Crow's attempt to "tunnel" to Earth by ripping a hole in the Satellite of Love.]
- Crow : Well, believe me, Mike! I calculated the odds of this succeeding, versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and… I went ahead anyway.
- [The title of the movie slowly fade in view as "THIS ISLAND EARTH".]
- Servo [as Rod Roddy]: This island Earth can be yours if the price is right!
- [The names of the actors appear at opening credits]
- Servo : Let's see now. Shatner, Shatner… No he's not in this one, we're safe!
- ⇒ Referring to melodramatic actor William Shatner.
- [The camera shows a slow sprawling shot of Washington D.C., much like a camera on a golf course.]
- Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: It's a long par five leading to the nation's capital.
- [Cal Meacham buzzes the tower in his jet. Webb and Joe pointlessly duck, then scramble to their feet and look out the window.]
- Servo [as Webb]: Maveriiiickk!!
- [In Meacham and Joe Wilson's lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]
- Mike : Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
- Dr. Meacham: Prepare the cylinder.
- Servo [as Meacham]: Inserting the breakfast pastry.
- Crow [as Narrator]: [darkly] The secret government Eggo project.
- Servo [as Meacham]: Contact Dr. Jemima!
- Mike [as Meacham]: God, I love the blueberry ones best. Mmmm.
- [Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]
- Dr. Meacham: Increase the rate of reaction.
- Servo [as Meacham]: Start warming the syrup!
- Mike [as Meacham]: Yum!
- [Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]
- Dr. Meacham: Check rate of radioactive decay.
- Crow [as Meacham]: Increase the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around.
- . . .
- [At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]
- Mike [as Meacham]: Oh, my God! My waffle! Oh, the humanity!
- [Cal Meacham pushes a Geiger counter probe toward the Interociter wreckage — a probe that looks an awful lot like a microphone.]
- Mike [as Dr. Meacham]: Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?
- [Joe Wilson and a trenchcoated Cal Meacham wait at a fogbound airstrip as a droning plane comes in for a landing.]
- Servo [as Meacham/Bogart]: You know, all the adventures of a crazy guy and a wormy sidekick don't amount to a hill of beans in this world.
- ⇒ A paraphrase of Rick's (Humphrey Bogart) line to Ilsa (Ingrid Bergman) in the classic film "Casablanca " (quotes), which this scene strongly evokes.
- [Dr. Steve Carlson (played by Russell Johnson) approaches Dr. Ruth Adams.]
- Dr. Carlson: Dr. Adams!
- Dr. Adams: Oh, yes, Steve.
- Mike [as Carlson]: What's this "and the rest" crap?
- ⇒ Actors Russell Johnson (The Professor) and Dawn Wells (Mary Ann) complained when the initial "Gilligan's Island " theme song referred to them as "and the rest". The second season theme mentioned their characters by name.
- [Exeter welcomes Meacham into his study. A curious painting hangs on the wall behind Meacham.]
- Meacham: What is more important is…
- Exeter: … who we are, and what we're doing here.
- Servo [as Exeter]: … and why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.
- [Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by Mozart.]
- Meacham: What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
- Exeter: I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
- Servo [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien!
- Exeter: My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
- Meacham: Our composer? He belongs to the world.
- Exeter: Yes, indeed.
- Mike [as Exeter]: I'm not an alien.
- Exeter: We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
- Servo [as Exeter]: Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!
- [On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a conversion platform.]
- Exeter: Place your hands above the rails.
- [We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]
- Exeter: They're magnetized.
- Mike [as Exeter]: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
- [Exeter flies his spaceship alone toward Earth, almost suicidally. We see it slightly lifting above the ocean, oddly like how a stone skips across water.]
- Servo [as Exeter]: Hell, let's see how many times I can skip this thing.
Season 8
Revenge of the Creature
- [The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]
- Servo : Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.
- Servo : Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item?
- [Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]
- Miss Abbott: Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right.
- Servo [as Miss Abbott]: And… evolve.
- [As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]
- Police Captain: Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
- Mike [as Police Captain]: The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!
The Leech Woman
- [At home, June continues her booze-fest. Behind her, over the fireplace, is the hamburger painting from "This Island Earth".]
- Crow : Oh, look! She has an original Ray Kroc on the wall.
- [The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals. The explorers stop.]
- Crow [as Guide]: Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.
- [A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]
- Crow [as Lion]: Um… hakuna matata?
- [Lawyer Neil proposes to Terri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]
- Neil: Terri… would you marry me?
- [Terri pulls away.]
- Mike [as Neil]: Uh… uh… I withdraw the question.
- Terri: Oh, Neil — I can't.
- Servo [as Terri]: Starfleet forbids it.
The Mole People
The Deadly Mantis
- [The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]
- Narrator: Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada…
- Servo [as Narrator]: Canada, our mortal enemy.
- Narrator: … the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
- Mike [as Narrator]: The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.
The Thing That Couldn't Die
- [Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]
- Jessica: You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
- Servo : A trade rat?
- Jessica: Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
- Servo [as Jessica]: … in Maine.
- Mike : You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.
- [Gordon, Linda, and Hank are looking around the base of the oak tree.]
- Mike [as Gordon]: There's no trade rat, but there is a skilled artisan rat.
- [Gordon uncovers a cache of valuables between the tree's roots.]
- Gordon: That's a rat's nest, alright.
- Crow [as Gordon]: A Registered Trade Rat.
- [Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]
- Mike [as Linda]: The rats put in a new crystal!
- Linda: It still runs.
- Servo [as John Cameron Swayze]: John Cameron Trade-Rat.
- [Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]
- Gordon: Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
- Mike [as Gordon]: He had a little tool and die shop down there.
- [Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]
- Flavia: What's that?
- Crow : Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.
The Undead
- [Quintus is hypnotizing Diana by focusing her attention on his moving hand. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]
- Quintus: Do you see my hand?
- Mike [as Quintus]: Do you think I'm Dale?
- Quintus: There is no end to my hand, is there?
- Crow [as Diana]: No, I guess I'm not getting it. Sorry.
- Quintus: You can always take another turn.
- Servo [as Quintus]: Oh, and by the way — SLEEEEEEP!
- Quintus: Around the knuckle…
- Mike [as Quintus]: … over the gum…
- Quintus: … over the fingers…
- Mike [as Quintus]: … look out stomach, here it comes.
- Quintus: It's like riding a tiny roller coaster, isn't it?
- Crow [as Diana]: In that I feel like throwing up on you?
- Quintus: Yes, yes, you're riding…
- Servo [as Quintus]: And now — SLEEEEEEP!
- Quintus: First, slowly.
- Mike [as Quintus]: Then fastly.
- Servo [as Franklin]: Give me liberty, or give me… oh, wait, that's Pat Henry.
- . . .
- Quintus: We breathe as one. We are one.
- Servo [as Franklin]: You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
- Quintus: When I touch you…
- Crow [as Quintus]: I think about myself. No, no, no, wait.
- ⇒ Alluding to Divinyls' song "I Touch Myself": "When I think about you, I touch myself."
- Quintus: … we will be one.
- Servo [as Quintus]: We'll be me, for convenience sake.
- [Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]
- Satan: Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
- Crow [as Satan]: Route 666!
- Satan: … that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
- Mike [as Satan]: … to sleeping audience.
- . . .
- Satan: Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
- Servo : [singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"] O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!
Terror from the Year 5000
- Claire: I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.
- Dr. Hedges: I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.
- Servo [as Hedges]: I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine!
- ⇒ A line from the song "One Night in Bangkok", from the musical Chess.
- [On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]
- Mike : Hey! They whacked Toonces!
- Crow : Well, he killed a made canary, so they had to do 'im.
- Dr. Erling: Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?
- Crow [as Hedges]: Genocide?
- Mike [as Hedges]: Slavery?
- Servo [as Hedges]: Diseased blanket spreading?
- [Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]
- Hedges: Is there a good movie in town?
- Mike : [snorts] Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?
- Crow : Heh heh heh!
- [Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]
- Mike, Crow: Oh.
The She-Creature
- [At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]
- Barker Johnny: I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
- Servo : So she's a carnival preceder.
- [Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]
- Erickson: Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.
- Andrea: I'd like that.
- Servo [as Erickson]: Would you like a C cup or a D cup?
- [Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]
- Crow [as Erickson/Fuller]: My first question: will I get the part in This Island Earth?
- Erickson: What year is it, Andrea?
- Mike [as Elizabeth]: [singing "Year of the Cat"] The year of the cat.
- Andrea/Elizabeth: 1618, the Year of Our Lord.
- Servo [as Elizabeth/Eliza Doolittle]: In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.
- Erickson: Who is the reigning monarch?
- Andrea/Elizabeth: James Stuart.
- Mike [as George Bailey]: Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!
- [Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]
- Lombardi: There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?
- Erickson: No.
- Lombardi: He did what I told him without a single word.
- Mike : That's because he's a dog!
- [As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]
- Servo : [gasps] Donald Duck has the Ring of Power!
I Was a Teenage Werewolf
- [The werewolf approaches an unsuspecting high school girl practicing gymnastics.]
- Crow : Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
- [The werewolf is prowling the woods during an amazingly bright night.]
- Servo : Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
- Mike : I thought the night belonged to love.
- Servo: Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.
The Giant Spider Invasion
Parts: The Clonus Horror
- [Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]
- Servo [as Guide]: This is not sanctioned, gentlemen. You are doing this own your own…
- [Richard the clone searches through some top-secret files.]
- Mike [as Richard]: Kennedy assassination… Area 51… secret formula for Coca-Cola… Waco…
- Crow [as Richard/Winston Smith]: Hey, we're not at war with Eurasia!
- ⇒ Referencing Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four.
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies
- Jerry: How's college?
- Madison: Pretty good. You should try it some time.
- Jerry: No thanks. The world is my college.
- Servo : He's taking it pass-fail.
- Jerry: Angie's mother doesn't like anything, especially me.
- Harold: Gee, Jerry, ah, you could always get a job or something, then she might like you better.
- Jerry: A job?!
- Servo [as Jerry]: I'm a respected neurosurgeon!
- Jerry: Work makes you depressed. And that's what's wrong with the world today, it's in a state of depression.
- Mike : Goofus and Gallant, the movie.
Jack Frost
Riding with Death
Agent for H.A.R.M.
Prince of Space
- [The TV picks up a video signal of an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]
- Spaceship: Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
- Crow : Crank whore?
- Spaceship: Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
- Servo [as TV Adman]: Veterans cannot be turned down!
- [Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]
- Mike : An exchange of deadly negative scratches!
- [In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]
- Phantom: Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— [movie skip] —ren!
- Mike : Some diffren?
- Prince: I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
- Crow : You hear that, Jerry Seinfeld?
- [A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his boss.]
- Boss: Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
- Mike [as Boss]: I understand you're stuffed with cheese.
- [The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]
- Crow [as Phantom]: Set whole fryers to stun!
- Mike : The upper half of a Hopper painting.
- Servo [as Citizen]: Oh! A giant roast chicken!
- Crow [as Citizen]: It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
- Mike [as Citizen]: It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
- Servo [as Citizen]: Ohhhhh!
- Crow [as Phantom]: Potatoes or stuffing?!
Horror of Party Beach
- [On the beach, the tough bike gang leader fights lean Hank.]
- Servo [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]: [singing to "Chances Are"] Chances are / That I'll kick your scrawny ass…
- [A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock.]
- Crow : Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
- Servo : So, radiation has a sense of humor!
Devil Doll
- [Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England.]
- Crow : Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
- Servo : Modern architecture — efficient and beauty-free.
- [On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine.]
- Hugo: I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
- Mike [as Hugo]: All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!
- ⇒ Quoting Sally Brown's whining in A Charlie Brown Christmas.
Invasion of the Neptune Men
Space Mutiny
- [Crew members show Bellarians their room, which has an unmentioned box on the floor.]
- Servo [as Ranger]: Oh, and, uh, by the way ladies, there's a ferret cage by the wall if you need it.
- [Lea dances provocatively with a hula hoop as Ryder watches.]
- Crow [as Ryder]: What is she thinkin'? I'm a weightlifter! C'mon!
- [Ryder and Lea jump into a bowling alley floor-polisher to chase bad-guy Kalgan.]
- Crow [as Ryder]: Put your helmet on! We'll be reaching speeds of 3!
- [On the bridge, after walking past a woman who was killed in the previous scene, Capt. Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen.]
- Capt. Devers: Sir.
- Crow [as Devers]: I think it's very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
- [Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates.]
- Cmdr. Jansen: I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
- Capt. Devers: Helveca?
- Mike [as Devers]: Oh, I love that font!
- Cmdr. Jansen: It's very perilous for everyone on board… we do not make wild accusations… so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
- Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]: Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
- [Devers gets up to leave, again walking past the formerly-deceased lieutenant.]
- Mike [as Devers]: Okay, look alive, everybod— oh… sorry, Susan.
Time Chasers
- [As the movie opens, a man flies a prop-plane through some odd visual effects.]
- Nick: Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a genius!
- Servo [as Nick]: A crop-dusting genius!
- [Nick boots up his computer.]
- Crow : You've got mail… pattern baldness!
- [In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone.]
- Crow : So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
- [As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by.]
- Servo : Hey, look — a lesbian… of the future!
- [Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court.]
- Mike : Food courts… of the future!
- [In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-bearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle.]
- Mike [as Gunman]: Arrgh! Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!
Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
- [Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]
- Apollonia: If this one-handed exercise is all you can think of to do with your life…
- Crow : Whoa!
- Apollonia: … you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
- Tom : Is this still the officially sanctioned "boring" part?
- Fingal: It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!
- [She slaps him.]
- Crow [as Fingal]: Well, now you are, actually.
- Apollonia: I'm trying to do the right thing, Fingal… but… I'm not sure what that is.
- Servo : Well, slapping him seemed like a good start.
- [In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]
- Rick: What're you gonna do?
- Fingal: I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. Novicorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
- Mike : Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!
- [Fingal (played by Raul Julia) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lays on him in a serious lip-lock.]
- Crow : Eating Raul!
- ⇒ Eating Raoul is a cult-classic black comedy film.
- [As Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this PBS TV movie…]
- Servo : Oh, then I guess "PBS" means "Public Boinking System", huh?
Season 9
The Projected Man
- [British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]
- Prof. Steiner: Laser Preheat!
- Dr. Mitchell: Laser Pre-Heat… in!
- Crow [as Prof. Steiner]: Grease and flour cake pans!
- Prof. Steiner: Laser Emission Relay.
- Dr. Mitchell: Laser Emission Relay… on!
- Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
- Mike : Are we not blokes?
- Prof. Steiner: Relay One.
- Dr. Mitchell: Relay One… in!
- Servo [as Prof. Steiner]: Really dumb scene… end!
- [A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]
- Thief: Gloria?
- Mike [as Thief]: G-L-O-R-I-A?
- Thief: Gloria!
- Servo [as Thief]: In excelsis Deo!
- Thief: Gloria!
- Crow [as Thief]: I hear they got your number.
The Phantom Planet
- Makonnen: You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful… if you just take the time to look at it.
- Chapman: You're some guy, Makonnen.
- [After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]
- Judge Eden: Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
- Chapman: I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
- Servo [as Chapman]: … with courage and nudeness.
- [Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]
- Chapman: I don't understand.
- Sessom: There are many things you will not understand here…
- Crow [as Sessom]: … big and obvious doorknob.
- [The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]
- Judge Eden: The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
- Servo [as Jury]: [cheering]
- We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
- G-U-I-L … T-Y!
- Guilty! Guilty!
- G-U-I-L … T-Y!
- Whoo! Yaaaay!
- [Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]
- Liara: You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
- Crow : So people are just balloons?
- [Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
- White: Where's Makonnen?
- Chapman: He's dead. Gone.
- Mike [as Chapman]: He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.
Puma Man
- Vadinho: My name is Vadinho.
- Crow [as Vadinho]: I'm an onion.
- [Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]
- Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.
- Crow [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Casteneda.
- [Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]
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