Programming

• "You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers" - Steven Feiner

• "FORTRAN was the language of choice for the same reason that three-legged races are popular" - Ken Thompson (in "Reflections on Trusting Trust")

• "God is Real, unless declared Integer" - J.Allan Toogood , FORTRAN programmer

• "In the good old days physicists repeated each other's experiments, just to be sure. Today they stick to FORTRAN, so that they can share each other's programs, bugs included." - Edsger Dijkstra

• "Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice." - Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

• "When Roman engineers built a bridge, they had to stand under it while the first legion marched across. If programmers today worked under similar ground rules, they might well find themselves getting much more interested in Ada!" - Robert Dewar (President Ada Core Technologies)

• "The problem about all graphical programming languages is that when your project becomes complex, not only will you have spaghetti code, but it will actually look like spaghetti too."

• "Wanted: Expert Java programmers, 5+ years experience." - Posted in 1998

• "BASIC - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company."

• "Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself."

• "He who hasn't hacked assembly language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain." - John Moore

• "Don't get suckered in by the comments ... they can terribly be misleading." - Dave Storer

• "Real programmers can write assembly code in any language." - Larry Wall

• "If you're masochistic enough to program in ADA, we're not going to stop you." - Matt Welsh

• "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning." - Rick Cook

• "Writing it is easy, understanding it is hard"
  • Comment on the topic of programming -- Source unknown

Table of contents

1 C/C++ 2 Cobol 3 Debugging 4 Real Programmers

C/C++

• "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

• "C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success." - Dennis M. Ritchie

• "A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors." - Waldi Ravens

• "The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."

Alternately: "The C Programming Language - A language which combines the flexibility and power of assembly language with the readability and maintainablity of assembly language."

• "Fifty years of programming language research, and we end up with C++ ???" - Richard A. O'Keefe

• "C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way."

• "Java is, in many ways, C++--." - Michael Feldman

• "Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed." - Bob Gray

• "The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language." - Ron Sercely

• "In C++ it's harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg" - Bjarne Stroustrup

• "C gives you enough rope to hang yourself."

• "C++: where friends have access to your private members."

• "Within C++, there is a much smaller and cleaner language struggling to get out." - Bjarne Stroustrup, The Design and Evolution of C++

• c++; /* this makes c bigger but returns the old value */

Cobol

• "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense" - Edsger Dijkstra

Debugging

• As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. - Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

• Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

• bug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. - "Datamation", January 15, 1984

• silver bullet (SIL-vuhr BOOL-it) noun: A quick solution to a thorny problem. [From the belief that werewolves could be killed when shot with silver bullets.] "Writing code, he (Stuart Feldman) explains, is like writing poetry: every word, each placement counts. Except that software is harder, because digital poems can have millions of lines which are all somehow interconnected. Try fixing programming errors, known as bugs, and you often introduce new ones. So far, he laments, nobody has found a silver bullet to kill the beast of complexity." - Survey: The Beast of Complexity; The Economist (London, UK); Apr 14, 2001.

• Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it. - Brian W. Kernighan

• "With enough eyes, all bugs are shallow" - Eric S. Raymond (Linus' Law)

• If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. - Edsger Dijkstra

• Testing can only prove the presence of bugs, not their absence. - Edsger Dijkstra

• The paradox of software testing: In theory, testing software for correctness is impossible. In practice, it is given to freshmen because it's the least demanding task available.

Real Programmers

• "Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25" - Andrew Rutherford

• "Real Programmers don't need abstract concepts to get their jobs done, they are perfectly happy with a keypunch, a compiler, and a beer"

• "Real Programmers aren't afraid to use GOTOs."

• "Real Programmers can write five page long DO loops without getting confused."

• "Real Programmers like Arithmetic IF statements-- they make the code more interesting."

• "Real Programmers write self-modifying code, especially if they can save 20 nanoseconds in the middle of a tight loop."

• "Real Programmers don't need comments-- the code is obvious."

• "Real Programmers can read core dumps."

• "Real Programmers work for Los Alamos National Laboratory, writing atomic bomb simulations to run on Cray I supercomputers."

• "Real Programmers work for the National Security Agency, decoding Russian transmissions."

• "Real Programmers are at work for Boeing designing the operation systems for cruise missiles."

• "At a party, the Real Programmers are the ones in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it."

• "At a football game, the Real Programmer is the one comparing the plays against his simulations printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper."

• "At the beach, the Real Programmer is the one drawing flowcharts in the sand."

• "At a funeral, the Real Programmer is the one saying "Poor George. And he almost had the sort routine working before the coronary.""

• "In a grocery store, the Real Programmer is the one who insists on running the cans past the laser checkout scanner himself, because he never could trust keypunch operators to get it right the first time."

• "Real Programmers write programs, not documentation."

• "Real Programmers don't wear neckties."

• "Real Programmers don't wear high heeled shoes."

• "Real Programmers arrive at work in time for lunch."

• "A Real Programmer might or might not know his wife's name. He does, however, know the entire ASCII (or EBCDIC) code table."

• "Real Programmers don't know how to cook. Grocery stores aren't open at three in the morning. Real Programmers survive on Twinkies and coffee."

• "Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all, and take what they get."

• "Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."

• "Real Programmers don't write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do system programming."

• "Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies. And Szechwan food. (Do not go to eat Szechwan food with a group of Real Programmers unless you are prepared to argue bitterly over the last spring roll.)"

• "Real Programmers aren't scared of GOTOs... but they really prefer branches to absolute locations."

• "Real Programmers don't write COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers."

• "Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions."

• "Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies."

• "Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If they are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night."

• "Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC... after age twelve."

• "Real Programmers can take the scissors off the phone cord."

• "Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN."
  • Alternatively: "Real Programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure anal-retentives who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN."

• "Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and Real Programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the computer room."

• "Real Programmers don't do documentation. Documentation is for simps who can't figure out the listing."

• "Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories."

• "Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look at how much good it did for them."

• "Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference manual is the hallmark of the novice and the coward."

• "Real Programmers don't write in RPG. RPG is for gum-chewing dimwits who maintain ancient payroll programs."

• "Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for COmmon Business-Oriented Laymen who can't run a business, much less write a real program."

• "Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation."

• "Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line."

• "Real Programmers don't write in LISP. Only idiots' programs contain more parenthesis than actual code."

• "Real Programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clear desk."

• "Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course they are the chief programmer."

• "Real Programmers never write memos on paper. They send memos via computer mail networks."

• "Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives."

• "Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big.""

• "Real Programmers don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns, or pick up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded."

• "Real Programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real Programmers ignore schedules."