|
Red Dwarf
Unless otherwise noted, all by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor .
Season One
"The End"
- Holly: He's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave.
- Lister, tasting some powder,: What's all this white powder Hol? Why's it so dirty in here?
- Holly: That's catering officer Olaf Petersen.
- Lister Bleugh! I've been eating half the crew.
- Holly,After making a tasteless comment about Kochanski: Oh I'm sorry Dave, sorry about that. I've been on my own for three million years and I'm just used to saying what I think. I think I've gone a bit peculiar to tell you the truth.
- The Cat: Hey, you monkeys eat off the floor?! Ain't you got no style or sophisication?
- Lister: Oh I'm sorry Cat, I'm sorry.
- The Cat: You guys are unbelievable! starts to lap up his krispies.
"Future Echoes"
- Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.
"Balance of Power"
- Lister (to Rimmer): This is a black card situation, end of conversation - You never learn do you?
- Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! Where did you get them? I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
- Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.
- Vending Machine: Hello how can I help you?
- Cat: Fish!
- Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal.
- Cat: Fish!
- Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal.
- Cat: Fish!
- Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal.
- Cat: Fish!
- Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal.
- Cat: Fish!
- Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal.
- Cat: Fish!
- Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la Creme. Enjoy your meal.
- Cat: I will.
"Waiting For God"
Holly: David Lister, technician, third class. Captain's remarks: has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after 5 years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: Zero.
"Confidence and Paranoia"
- Confidence: Oxygen is for wimps!
- Cat: Hey, this is mine. That's mine. All this is mine. I'm claiming all this as mine. Except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is mine. Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.
"Me²"
Rimmer: You think you had it bad before, now you've got it in stereo.
Season Two
"Kryten"
Lister: Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years. How come you're so utterly useless?
Rimmer: Oh, it speaks! And how many books have you read in your entire life? The same number as Champion the Wonder Horse: zero!
Lister: I've read books.
Rimmer: Uh, Lister, we're not talking about books where the main character is a dog called "Ben."
Lister: I went to Art College!
Rimmer: You?
Lister: Yeah!
Rimmer: How did you get into Art College?
Lister: The normal way you get into Art College. The same old, usual, normal, boring way you get in. Failed me exams and applied. They snapped me up.
Lister: Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.
Rimmer: Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?
Lister: Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?
Rimmer: Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alienesque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.
Lister: Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.
Holly: No, they're from Earth. I hope they've got some spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister, staring at his cup of tea: Dog's milk?!
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Holly?!
Holly: What, and spoil your tea?
Kryten: Well, is anything the matter?
Rimmer: Anything the matter?? They're dead.
Kryten: Who's dead?
Rimmer, pointing at three skeletons: They are dead. They're all dead.
Kryten: My God!... I was only away two minutes!
Kryten: Are you a doctor?
Rimmer: You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget!
Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it, yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"
"Better Than Life"
- Rimmer: My brain's rebelled.It just won't accept nice things happening to me.
- Rimmer: Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.
"Thanks for the Memory"
- Lister: Do you know what I fancy right now?
- Rimmer: A big, fat woman with thighs the size of a hippo's.
- Lister: No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chili sauce and chutney.
"Stasis Leak"
- Cat (to Rimmer): What is it?
- Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
- Cat (to Lister): What is it?
- Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
- Cat (to Rimmer): What is it?
- Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
- Cat (to Lister): What is it?
- Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
- Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
- Rimmer: Now kindly cluck off, before I extract your gibblets, and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with.
"Queeg"
- Holly: Oy!
- All: Oh, go away.
- Holly: That's done it. I forgot what I was going to say.
- (a loud bang is heard)
- Holly: Oh, that's right. A meteor's about to hit the ship.
- Holly, After being insulted about his IQ: 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!
"Parallel Universe"
- Rimmer: The thought occurs that we haven't actually reached earth. The even further thought occurs that we haven't budged a smegging inch.
Season Three
"Backwards"
- Cat: They're gone, buddy. But look at the bright side -- they're gone, buddy!
- I get it: it's a moron convention!
- Cat: Is that what I think it is?!
- Lister: What do you think it is?
- Cat: A big orange swirly thing in space!
- Kryten (reading a newspaper printed backwards): Three brought to life in bank raid. A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a South London bank tomorrow. The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept ten thousand pounds, which he demanded they place in the banks vaults. The man, Michael Ellis, completed a 15-year prison sentence for the crime two years ago.
- Rimmer: What does that say?
- Kryten: Oh, it's an advert. "Roll-Off Deodorant. Keeps you... Keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours." What are we going to do? This place is totally crazy!
- Rimmer: There's nothing we can do till the others find us. We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?
- Kryten: Here's the Jobs page. This looks interesting. "Wanted: Managing director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects, right candidate could go straight to the bottom."
- Rimmer: Something more low-key.
- Kryten: "Busy London restaraunt requires dish dirtier."?
- Rimmer: I'm telling you, things are better this way. It's our universe that's the wrong way round.
- Kryten: Take war. War is a wonderful thing here. In 50 years time the second World War will start. Backwards.
- Cat: And that's a good thing?
- Kryten: Millions of people will come to life. Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich and bog off back to Austria
- Kryten: There's no crime. The first night we were here a mugger jumped us and forced fifty pounds into my wallet at knifepoint
- Lister: Ok, ok, but look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say, St. Francis of Assissi. In this universe he's just a petty-minded little sadist who goes round maiming small animals. Or Santa Claus, what a bastard!
- Rimmer:Eh?
- ListerHe's the big fat git that who sneaks down people's chimneys and steals all the kids favourite toys.
- Waitress,(speaking backwards):These were delicious!
- Rimmer:Flobba dob dob blip!
- Lister:Two pints of erskib please! (erskib is bitter backwards)
"Marooned"
- Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - it's main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, your basic space colour is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
- Rimmer: He told me that, in a previous incarnation, I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
- Lister,after eating dog food,:Now I know why dogs lick their testicles...it's to get rid of the taste of their food.
"Polymorph"
- Rimmer: Look, just because it's an armour-plated alien killing machine that salivates unspeakable slobber doesn't mean it's a bad person. What we've got to do is get it round a table and put together a solution package - perhaps over tea and biscuits.
- Rimmer: Erm, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here, which is 'What are we gonna call ourselves?' Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between 'The League Against Salivating Monsters' or my own personal preference, which is 'The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society'. Erm, one drawback with that - the abbreviation is 'CLITORIS'.
- Cat: This isn't a meal. This is an autopsy!
- Rimmer: The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard, and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.
- Lister: There's a bodybag out there with that scudball's name on it, and I'm doing up the zip. Anyone who gets in my way gets a napalm enema.
"Bodyswap"
- Rimmer: Have you ever in dissection class held up a frog by its head? You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.
- Lister: I want me body back now.
"Timeslides"
- Kryten: We could go back to Dallas in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll, and shout 'Duck!'.
- Rimmer: Kryten! Unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit. I'm alive!
- Lister (pointing at Hitler): Ignore him. He's a complete and total nutter! AND he's only got one testicle!
"The Last Day"
- Kryten: Is this the human value you call 'friendship'?
- Lister: Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.
- Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
- Lister: I know. For one morning.
- Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
- Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Season Four
"Camille"
- Kryten: Has anyone ever told you that the configuration and juxtaposition of your features is extraordinarily apposite?
"D.N.A."
"Justice"
- Lister: You're saying you could happily kill him if he was asleep!?
- Rimmer: I could happily kill him if he was on the job.
- Kryten: Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank!
"White Hole"
- (Talking about how to get back to the bridge through closed doors)
- Cat: I've got it. We laser our way through.
- Kryten: An excellent plan, with just two drawbacks: One, we don't have a power source for lasers and two, we don't have any lasers.
- Cat: I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.
- Rimmer: You? You'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew?
- Cat: No! I'd sacrifice your life for the good of the crew.
"Dimension Jump"
- Ace: Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
- Lister: I have a mind to fill your boots with runny porridge again. That'll teach you a lesson about maturity.
"Meltdown"
- Cat: As soon as they see me they'll only have to force me into platform shoes and flared trousers and I'll sing like Tweetie Pie.
Season Five
"Holoship"
- Cat: What are we waiting for, why don't we raise the defensive shields?
- Kryten: An excellent plan, sir, with only two minor drawbacks: One, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. Now I know technically speaking that's only one drawback, but I thought it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.
- Nirvana: What do you do when you want to have sex?
- Rimmer: We... go for runs? Watch gardening videos on the ship's vid?
- Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful woman twice daily, on demand. Now, am I the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky? Well, quite clearly, I am.
- (Rimmer is teleported away)
- Kryten (half-heartedly): Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer.
- Kryten (realising he should be more urgent): Sir, they've taken Mr. Rimmer!
- Cat: Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!
- Rimmer: Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always been an easy guy to get on with. And I know that, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends. But, I just want to say ... that over the years, ... I have come to regard you ... as ... people ... I met.
"Inquisitor"
- Lister: Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten, now's the time to mention it.
- Kryten: No plan, sir. No sleeves.
- Lister: You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people commited suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. you sign all your official letters 'Arnold Rimmer BSc' and the BSc stands for 'Bronze Swimming Certificate'. You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.
"Terrorform"
- Cat: This sounds like a 12 change of underwear trip.
- Kryten: An excellent and inventive suggestion, sir, with just two tiny drawbacks: a) We don't have any jet-powered rocket pants; and b) there's no such thing as jet-powered rocket pants outside the fictional serial 'Robbie Rocket Pants'.
"Quarantine"
- Rimmer: Well, we know what to get you for Christmas. A double lobotomy and six rolls of rubber wallpaper.
- Rimmer: So... let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet to see the king of the potato people and you're telling me you're completely sane?
- Rimmer: You don't think there's anything amiss? I'm sitting here wearing a red and white checked gingham dress and army boots and you think that's un-amiss?
"Demons & Angels"
- Low Rimmer: I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life...and then...I'm going to have you.
"Back to Reality"
- Duane: So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth druids could use as a place of worship.
- Duane: No, no, please no. I don't want to be Duane Dibbley.
Season Six
"Psirens"
- Kryten: Starbug was built to last sir. This old baby's crashed more times than a ZX81.
"Legion"
- Rimmer: Step up to red alert!
- Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
- Rimmer: Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?
- Legion: The light switch.
- Cat: The entire panel's deader than A-Line flares with pockets in the knees!
"Gunmen of the Apocalypse"
- Rimmer: I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy.
- (Rimmer steps up to the bar)
- Rimmer: Dry white wine and Perrier, please.
- Cat: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it.
"Emohawk: Polymorph II"
- Cat: Look what it did to me! It's turned me into Duane Dibbley - the Duke of Dork.
- Kryten: And you, Cat? Would you like to stay as Duane?
- Duane: Suck my thermos! I hate being the Prince of Dorkness!
- Cat: (after freezing the rest of the crew) What a Dibley!
"Rimmerworld"
- Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
- Kryten: But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer, sir.
- Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
- Kryten: Mr. Rimmer is suffering from a stress-related nervous disorder.
- Lister: Next time I see him he'll be suffering from a fist-related teeth disorder.
- Rimmer: The only lifeform's the most basic single-celled protozoa, and me. Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible.
- Rimmer: Kryten, kindly get to the point before I jam your nose between your cheeks and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.
- Cat: There's one thing you should know. Last time we met I was wearing a cute little black number with peach trim and gold spangles, and although it looks like I'm wearing the same outfit today, it is in fact an entirely different cute little black number, with completely different gold spangles!
"Out of Time"
Season Seven
"Tikka To Ride"
- Rimmer: Do you think it's because the sub-space conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?
- Kryten: Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard."
- Cat: How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep!
"Stoke Me a Clipper"
- Rimmer: According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never be enough.
- Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover.
- Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.
- Ace: There'll be time for introductions later, and maybe some sex.
"Ouroboros"
"Duct Soup"
- Kochanski: How did I end up like this? On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?
"Blue"
"Beyond A Joke"
- Kochanski: Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think?
- Cat: 'Cat do this!' 'Cat do that!' What am I? A dog?
"Epideme"
"Nanarchy"
Season Eight
"Back in the Red" part 1
- Cat: I'm so gorgeous, there's a six month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear, every time I am near!
- Cat: Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert!
- Kryten: There's no such thing as a brown alert sir.
- Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute!
"Back in the Red" part 2
"Back in the Red" part 3
"Cassandra"
- Lister (about their two year prison sentence): It's only two years; what, with good behaviour it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
- Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
- Kochanski: This is the first time I've ever been seduced by predeterminism theory.
"Krytie TV"
"Pete" part 1
"Pete" part 2
"Only the Good"
Other
- Its cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,
- I'm all alone, more or less.
- Let me fly, far away from here,
- Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
- I want to lie, shipwrecked and comotose,
- Drinking fresh mango juice.
- Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,
- Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun,
- Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
- (Extended version)
- I'll pack my bags and head into hyperspace,
- Velocity at time-warp speed.
- Spend my days in ultraviolet rays,
- Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
- We're locked on course straight through the universe,
- You and me, and the galaxy.
- Reached this stage, the hyperdrive's engaged, (Reached this stage, this hyperpathic age)
- Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun,
- Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun.
- Theme song, by Howard Goodall
- If you're in trouble he will save the day
- He's brave and he's fearless, come what may
- Without him the mission would go astray
- He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
- Without him, life would be much grimmer
- He's handsome, trim, and no one's slimmer
- He will never need a Zimmer
- He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
- More reliable than a garden Strimmer
- He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner
- He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer
- Master of the wit and the repartee
- His command of Space Directives is uncanny
- How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me
- Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer
- He's also a fantastic swimmer
- And if you play your cards right
- Then he might just come round for dinner
- The Rimmer Song
External Links
|
|
