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Red vs Blue
Red vs Blue (aka Red vs Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles, RvB), is a machinima video webcomic series parodying multiplayer first-person shooter video games. It is made using the game engines from Halo and Halo 2.
Caboose
- Caboose while learning how to drive Sheila: No, wait, stop, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?
- Caboose, confused after finding out Tex is a chick with a really agressive AI in her armor, is asked by Church if he gets the explanation: ...That Tex guy is really a robot... and you're his boyfriend... so that makes you... a gay robot!
- Caboose, after Tucker is struck down by a rocket: Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battles, and I don't?
- Caboose, trying to contribute to an argument on irony: I think it would be ironic if we were all made out of iron!
- Caboose: It's like we're real soldiers!
- Caboose, standing in the water: My toes... are get-ting pruney.
- Caboose finds a dead soldier with the same colour armor as him, and Sarge explains to him that the dead soldier isn't him: Oh, good [sigh of relief]. At first, I thought that was me, because -- I am blue -- and -- I like to sleep. But, if he is dead that cannot be me. That would be silly.
- Caboose, after coming across a field of dead soldiers: Look! More sleeping people! It must be naptime! But who has naptime now? Nap time comes before pants time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!
- Caboose, describing a room to Sarge: There are some walls... and some ceilings. Wait, just one ceiling.
- Caboose, getting in touch with his dark side: I am thinking about kittens... gah! Kit-tens covered in spikes! That... makes... me angry! YAAAHHHHHH!.... MY NAME IS MICHAEL J. CABOOSE... AND I HATE BABIES!
- Caboose: I WILL EAT YOUR UNHAPPINESS!
- Caboose: YOUR TOAST HAS BEEN BURNED, AND NO AMOUNT OF SCRAPING WILL REMOVE THE BLACK PARTS!
- Caboose: I don't want to be dead! I want to be alive! Or, a cowboy!
- Caboose, while looking for the mark to set the bomb on comes across the X: That is not an X... that is a plus sign.
- Caboose: And Sheila will love me again. And this time, for who I am. And not just for my stunning good looks... but for those too.
- Caboose: Time... line. Time is not made of lines. Times is made of circles. Sighs. That is why clocks are round.
- Caboose: I call it nap time. Which is just before food time. And then comes food-nap time. And thats my favourite time of all...
- Caboose: So I say to the guy, How're you going to get the tank down to the planet? And he goes, I'll just put it on the ship. And I go, if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?
- Caboose: That does not sound like me. I like people. ...And buildings also.
- Caboose, yelling in anguish: SHIEEE-LAAAA! Come back to meee! I made you a muffin!
Church
- Church, to self, dreamily ogling the tank: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.
- Church: I can't believe I actually died for this war.
- Church [in a PSA regarding the differences between real life and the internet] representing the real life version of a political debate[it shows a normal, civil conversation, then cuts to 'INTERNET', and then cuts to:]: YOU DESERVE TO DIE! DIE AND GO TO HELL AND BURN!
- Church, dying, to Tucker [strained]: I just want you to know... I always hated you. I always hated you the most.
- Church to Tucker: I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the Reds... The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
- Church, after the two teams have been arguing over irony for two hours: Okay. We all agree that while the current situation is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everyone happy with that?
- Church to the Church in Caboose's mind: First of all, you? You're not Caboose's best friend. Okay? You don't have a best friend. You know why? You don't need one! You're Church! Knowing other people just waters down the experience! Live the dream, buddy!
- Church on realising his turning off of Sheila's friendly fire function caused his death: NO! I'm the team-killing fuck-tard!
- Church after possesing Lopez: [In Spanish] The mean woman is coming and... hey, I'm talking Spanish? I'm can't speak Spanish!
Tucker
- Tucker, after finding out that Tex is a girl: You should blame God, first he makes hangovers, then he makes half women-half sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing God!
- Tucker, under breath: Man, you can't pick up chicks in a tank!
- Tucker, talking about the tank: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks apiece!
- Tucker, to Church, jovially: Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets.
- Tucker, to Caboose in the tank: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
- Tucker: 16 days?! That's almost two weeks!
- Tucker, to Caboose: I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team killing.
- Tucker, talking about modding a Warthog they found on postapocalyptic Earth: All my life, I've had girls tell me, "Not if you were the last man on Earth." Well, that may be true, but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on Earth with a sweet-ass, pimped-out ride, bitch!
Sarge
- Sarge, not taking advice about static electricity: C'mon. That's an urban legend used to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda are going to make my stomach blow up! [ZZT] Yow!
- Sarge is told that Donut needs to be airlifted out of the canyon after a grenade blows up on his head: Could you put that in a memo, and entitle it "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW?!"
- Sarge, after Doc runs into him with the Warthog: Oww! Hot buttered lugnuts!
- Sarge, listening to Lopez sing: What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio NOW? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican Sasquatch!
- Sarge: I love blood and violence! I've got a boner for murder!
- Sarge, contributing to the conversation about irony: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds!
- Sarge comes across a field of dead red and blue soldiers: Hello? Is anyone OK? Are there any survivors? Preferably any red survivors? Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue! I won't step on your neck, or anything like that...
- Sarge, after Simmons has fixed the teleporter just in time: Simmons, you get an F in efficiency, but I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing!
- Sarge, representing a conversation about politics on the internet: WELL, I HOPE YOU GET RAPED! TWICE! THEN MAYBE YOU'LL FEEL DIFFERENTLY! JERK!
- Sarge, trying to find the others using the features in his robot shells, but noting that one has a bomb inside: Yeah, I wouldn't turn that on . . . or maybe I should. It'd be just like a homing device! But indian style.
Simmons
- Simmons, on the point of the war: No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoop de fucking do!
Grif
- Grif, as part of a peace treaty between the reds and blues, resignedly and in a loud, clear voice, admitting that he sucks : I would just like to let everybody know -- that I suck. And that I'm a girl, ...and I like ribbons in my hair, ...and I want to kiss all the boys.
- Grif reacting to hearing that Tex can't carry the volleybomb: See, girls act like they're so tough, but the first time they need a couch moved, who do they call?
[Tex glares at him]Pleasedon'tkillme!
- Grif being a coward when tex attacks the red base: Don't kill me! I'm too good looking to die!
Donut
- Donut, commenting on an insult by Grif directed towards Simmons: Oh dude, that is a burn. You just got burned. Burned, dude, burned.
- Donut, sent to the "store" for elbow grease and headlight fluid: Elbow grease? How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sargeant.
- Donut, to a silent Sarge: Just you and me, hangin' out at the base today, huh, Sarge? This is new. I notice you use a shotgun. That's cool. I just use this pistol. It works for me. *whistles* So, you think the guy'll be back soon? You think they went to the store? I noticed we were getting pretty low on elbow grease . . . when you die, can I have your armor?
- Donut, answering Grif's question: Hmm, think so. Wait, yes. No. Wait, wait wait, wait . . . hmmmmmmmmmmm . . . I think so.
- Donut, retracing his steps: Right. I know it was Tuesday, because that's the day I washed my underwear. And since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of a chaffe really easily, I remember thinkin', *turning towards the Warthog vehicle* "Where can I hang out with no pants on?"
- Donut, further retracing his steps: . . . So, after I clipped my toenails, I was gonna apply the ointment as recommended, but I don't know, it smelt really funny. So, I decided to taste it, just to make sure it was safe.
- Donut, when Grif begins to leave during the middle of the retracing of steps: Hey! I didn't finish retracing my steps yet! You don't even know what I did about the boil on my thigh!
- Donut, when Grif comes back moments later, about the boil on his thigh: Hey, you're back! So where was I? Oh yeah, I lanced it - disgusting. Muhuwuhuh, yehehuhuhuhuh . . .
- Donut, while drifting in a temporal vortex after getting caught in a bomb blast: Dead, oh man. Tomorrow was all you can eat day at the chow hall. And I wanted to eat all that I could.
Lopez
- Lopez: Lopez the Heavy takes orders from your kind no more.
No tengo un torso
Sheila
I'm scared Dave, will I dream? Daaaiissyyy DAAaAAAaaaisyyyy. . <fades out>
"Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes everyday!"
Doc/O'Malley
- Doc: You know, I really think we should try a NON-violent approach to resolve this.
O'Malley: I agree. Except replace the word "non" with "extremely," and after the word "violent," include the phrase, "BLOOD EXPLOSION EXTRAORDINAIRE!" HAHAHAHA!
- O'Malley: They shall all taste oblivion! Which tastes just like Red Bull. Which is disgusting.
- O'Malley, discussing his plan with Vick: Then the universe will be mine, and I'll crush every living soul into dust! Hahaha... Except for you, Vick. I'll make you assistant crusher.
- O'Malley, taunting the combined Red-Blue alliance: Mwahahahahaha! You fools have fallen right into my hands! Only now do you realize the folly of your follies! Hahaha! Prepare for an oblivion, for which there is no preparation!
Exchanges involving 2 or more characters
- Tucker: OK, we should be close enough to hack into their freqency. Lopez, get inside Sheila and do your business.
Sheila: What?!
Lopez: Esto me haciendo muy suderoso! (subtitle: I'm getting very sweaty!)
Tucker: Oh my God. Remind me to hose you two off when we get back to base.
- Sarge: Get over here! Give me a boost!
Caboose: Ok.
Caboose runs up
Caboose:You are a good person -- and people say nice things about you.
Sarge: Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
Caboose: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
Sarge: I know. I need you to help me look through it.
Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is round. That window is square.
- Church: So just remember, the Internet can be a very scary place if you're not prepared.
Grif: How do you recommend they prepare?
Church: I don't know. Try going to your local middle school chess club. Hand out crystal meth and guns. That might be good practice.
- A RVB PSA showing the difference between discussing politics in real life and on the internet:
Real Life
Church: That's just the way I feel about it.
Sarge: Well, I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
The Internet
Church, surrounded by general warfare: YOU DESERVE TO DIE, DIE AND GO TO HELL AND BURN!
Sarge: Well, I HOPE YOU GET RAPED! TWICE! MAYBE THEN YOU'LL FEEL DIFFERENT! JERK!
Grif: We don't NEED to find weapons of mass destruction! We just need to WANT to find them! That's the way it works!
Simmons: I VOTED FOR NADER! I HATE EVERYONE!
Doc, in the distance: Would you like to change your homepage to moveon.org?
Donut, to camera: Politics gets me sooooo horny! Check out my web cam pic at presidentialsluts.com!
- Caboose, finding out Tex is a woman: I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls never like me.
Tucker: Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.
Caboose, dejected: I like me . . .
- Tex: I could just kill you now
Church: You can't, I'm already dead bitch!
- Sarge: Simmons, Griff, we're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!
Griff: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yeah... let's all take dying as an open-action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
Sarge: No. It has to be today. For our ancestors.
- Caboose: AI... ...Wait, what's the A stand for?
Church: Artificial.
Caboose: What's the I sta--
Church: Intelligence.
Caboose: Oh-hhhhwhat's the A stand for again?
Church: Let's move on.
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