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Rita Rudner
comedian
- I'm just like Dr. Phil, except I have hair, and I don't help anybody.
- Remember, Humphrey Bogart was not the first choice for Casablanca; Ronald Reagan was. So maybe if Ronnie had taken the part, Humprey Bogart could have been president. And maybe if you date this guy, you could be president too!
- (Offering advice to a woman who can't decide between 2 men)
- Money is the root of all jewelery.
- According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
- I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
- I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
- I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
- I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
- My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
- The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
- To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
- We were longing for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.
- When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'
- variant: Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
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