South Park

Table of contents

1 Eric Cartman 2 Kenny McCormick 3 Kyle Broflovski 4 Stan Marsh 5 Jerome McElroy a.k.a Chef 6 Timmy 7 Mr Herbert Garrison/Mr Hat 8 Mr Mackay 9 Mr Hankey 10 Jesus 11 Mark Cotswolds the home school kid 12 Misc.

Eric Cartman

• "That is hella lame"
• "You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?"
• "Drugs are bad because if you do drugs you're a hippie and hippies suck."
• "You will respect my AuthORITAH!!!"
  • When Cartman worked as a Cop ("ChickenLover", ep.2-4)
  • When Cartman was Deputized by the Department of the Interior ("Jakovasaurs", ep.3-4)
  • When Cartman was re-enacting General Lee ("The Red Badge of Gayness", ep.3-14)
• "Sir, step out of the car please."
• "If dolphins are so smart, why do the get caught in those fishing nets all the time?"
• "Sweeeeeeet."
• "Killer."
• "You guys, you guys, come over here, you've got to see this!"
• "I'm going over mhey and you are going over mhay."
• "No, let me repeat that."
• "Screw you guys, I'm going home."
• In 'Scott Tenorman must die': "I'm a little piggy, here's my snout. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink. Oink"
• "Follow your dreams, You can reach yours goals, I'm living proof, beefcake BEEFCAKE!!"
  • ("Weight Gain 4000", ep.1-3)
• "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned."
• "How 'bout we sing, 'Kyle's Mom is a stupid bitch' in D Minor."
• "I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face."
• "That movie has warped my fragile little mind."
• "If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed."
• "I've learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home."
• "The fireman is very magical. Rub his helmet and he spits in your eye."
• "Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000"
• "Here's a little dredeil that's small and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it 'cause dredeil's freaking gay."
• Cartman: "Towelie, you're the worst character ever."
  

Towelie: "I know."

• "They're not people! They're hippies!"

Kenny McCormick

• "Mmf. Mm-mm mmm mm mm-mm."
• "MMMMMFFFFF"

• • Stan: Holy crap. Wendy wants to meet me at Stark's pond after school today.
  • Kyle: Wow. Maybe you can kiss her.
  • Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
  • Kenny: [Mumbling]
  • Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
  • [Kenny laughs.]

Kyle Broflovski

• "You bastards!"
  • Usually said whenever Kenny dies

• "Oh my god! I killed Kenny! I'm a bastard! "

• "Michael Bay gets to keep making movies and Cartman gets his own theme park; there is no God."

• "I just want an erection so I can give it to my mom."

• Cartman: What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
  • Jesus: I come seeking...retribution.
  • Stan: (gasps) He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!
  • Kyle: Oh, fuck! I'm sorry Jesus! Don't kill me!

• Kyle's Dad: (after Kyle begs for money) The answer is no, Kyle.
  • Kyle: Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!

• Priest: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
  • Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
  • Priest: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
  • Kyle: I guess not.

• [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.]
  • Kyle: Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't it?
  • Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a Goddamn Canadian and neither are you.
  • Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

• • Kyle's Dad: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harrassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.
    
  • Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
    
  • Kyle's Dad: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
    
  • Kyle: Do you?

• Said to Kyle:
  • "No, you see, Jews can't play basketball."
  • "This is why you can't bring Jews on away missions! They don't play along!"
  • "Don't you Jew us out on this one, Kyle!"
  • "Nya nya nya nya nya nya ha ha ha ha ha ha." (invariably said by Cartman)

Stan Marsh

• "Oh my god. They killed Kenny!"
• "Bllleeuurrgghh."

• • Stan: How can I get a woman to like me more than another guy?
  • Chef: Simple, Stan. Just find the clitoris.
  • Stan: What?
  • Chef: Hang on, what did I just say?
  • Stan: What's a clitoris?
  • Chef: Nothing, nothing. Forget I said it.

• • Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
  • Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

• • John Edwards: But, I'm a psychic.
  • Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
  • John Edwards: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
  • Stan: Then, you're a stupid douche.

• • Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
  • Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
  • Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don't want to shoot anything.

Jerome McElroy a.k.a Chef

• (sings in deep bass voice) "I'm gonna make love to ya woomaann!"

Timmy

• "TIMMAY!"

Mr Herbert Garrison/Mr Hat

• "Sit down! You sit down or you DIE!!"
• "Okay, now settle down class."
• "I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
• "No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry. There are no stupid answers, just stupid people."
• "Okay. Now, let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard...anyone?"
• "Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?"
• "You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!"
• "I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks."
• "It was if she was in a redwood forest of penises."
• "Now that's a whore!"
• "I'm not gay; I'm a woman."
• "That was not me, it was Mister Hat."

Mr Mackay

• "You be careful now, mmkay?"
• "Mmkay..."
• "Drugs are bad, mmkay..."

Mr Hankey

• "Howwwdy-Ho!"

• "And if you don't like it, well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls."
• "Simon's not so smart, he was born with a peanut in his head."

Jesus

• "Leave me alone." When someone in the row behind Jesus at a Football game prayed for their team to win.

Mark Cotswolds the home school kid

• "Sticks and stones may break my bones but I'm Jesus."

Misc.

• "Welcome to shCity Wok. Would you like to try our shCity Beef, or shCity Pork?" - City Wok Owner

• "So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die" - Uncle Jimbo
• "Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way." - Uncle Jimbo

• "Underpants Gnomes, Underpants Gnomes" - Underpants Gnomes
• "Step one: Steal underpants, Step two: ?, Step Three: Profits" - Underpants Gnomes

• "Don't forget to bring a towel... you wanna go get high?" - Towelie
• "I have no idea whats going on" - Towelie

• "Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical, but then I read this: Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of shit, I am never reading again." - Officer Barbrady