LONE STARR (upon seeing Vespa for the first time): From now on, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"!
DARK HELMET: We must get through that air shield!
SANDURZ: We will, sir. Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
DARK HELMET (looking directly at the camera): Everybody got that?
SKROOB: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
DARK HELMET (leaning to Sandurz): The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.
VESPA: Who are you?
BARF: Barf!
DOT MATRIX: Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
DARK HELMET: I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that!
SANDURZ: Of course, I do.
DARK HELMET: Everybody knows that!
CREWMEN (covering their crotches): Of course, we do, sir!
{Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert.}
LONE STARR: Water, water.
BARF: Water, water.
DOT MATRIX: Oil, oil.
VESPA: Room service, room service.
DARK HELMET: Now you see, Lone Starr, that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
SANDURZ: Prepare ship for light speed!
DARK HELMET: No no no no, light speed is too slow.
SANDURZ: Light speed too slow?
DARK HELMET: Yes, we'll have to go right to... ludicrous speed!
(entire crew gasps)
SANDURZ: Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this ship can take it!
DARK HELMET: What's the matter Col. Sandurz... chicken?
LONE STARR: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
DARK HELMET: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
LONE STARR: What?
DARK HELMET: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
LONE STARR: What's that make us?
DARK HELMET: Absolutely nothing—which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.
PRIEST: Who are you???
BARF: I'm the best man.
PRIEST: What's your name?
BARF: Barf.
PRIEST: Your full name!
BARF: Barfolomew.
SKROOB: (running to bridge) The ship is too big. If I walk, the move'll be over.
SANDURZ: Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me a videotape of Spaceballs: the Movie. Corporal goes off to Mr. Rental
DARK HELMET: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? (throws facemask up) How can there be a videotape of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
SANDURZ: Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video technology.
DARK HELMET: There has?
SANDURZ: Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished.
DARK HELMET: (in disbelief) Nah.
CORPORAL: Here it is sir! Spaceballs!
SANDURZ: Very good, now put it in the machine. (FBI Warning is on TV screen) Much too early, prepare to fast forward.
CORPORAL: Preparing to fast forward.
SANDURZ: Fast forward!
CORPORAL: Fast forwarding, sir!
(Early parts of movie run by at accelereated pace. Movie reaches Ludicrous Speed scene and reaches point where Dark Helemt flies into controls.)
DARK HELMET: No no, go past-past this part. In fact, never play it again.
(Static is on screen)
SANDURZ: Try here. Stop.
(Tape plays to current moment in movie. (Think about what happens if you take a video recorder and film the TV where the images are being shown at that moment). Sandurz and Dark Helmet alternate between watching the screen and watching the camera, with Dark Helmet waving his hand slowly.)
DARK HELMET: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?
SANDURZ: Now, you're looking at now, sir. Everything that's happening now is happening now. points to screen
DARK HELMET: What happened to then?
SANDURZ: We missed it.
DARK HELMET: When?
SANDURZ: Just now. You're at now now.
DARK HELMET: Go back to then.
SANDURZ: We can't.
DARK HELMET: Why not?
SANDURZ: We missed it.
DARK HELMET: When?
SANDURZ: Just now.
DARK HELMET: When will then be now?
SANDURZ: Soon.
DARK HELMET: How soon?
(Corporal rewinds tape back to scene showing protaganists wandering in desert.)
CORPORAL: Sir!
DARK HELMET: What?!
CORPORAL: We have uncovered their location.
DARK HELMET: Where?!
CORPORAL: It's the moon of Vega.
SANDURZ: Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival.
DARK HELMET: (Increasingly flustered) When?!
CORPORAL: 1900 hours.
SANDURZ: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
DARK HELMET: WHO?!! (facemask drops down)
