The Simpsons

This page is for quotes from The Simpsons televison series on the Fox Network (1989 - present); created by Matt Groening .

Quotes of the family: Homer Simpson - Marge Simpson - Bart Simpson - Lisa Simpson - Abraham Simpson

Quotes of others: Ned Flanders - Kent Brockman - Mr. Burns - Lenny Leonard - Carl Carlson - Patty & Selma - Comic Book Guy - Disco Stu - Prof. Frink - Barney Gumble - Reverend Lovejoy - Apu Nahasapeemapetilon - Nelson - Principal Skinner - Moe Szyslak - Milhouse Van Houten - Chief Wiggum - Ralph Wiggum - Mayor Quimby - Fat Tony & the Mafia - Rainier Wolfcastle (aka "McBain") - Lionel Hutz - People of Springfield

Catch phrases - One Liners and other quotes

Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue from "The Simpsons" sums up the whole show:

Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool.

Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've gotten anything.

Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer: Amen to that!

Interestingly, this piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece.

Homer Simpson

• ...and then our kids will become FREAKS! They'll have pink skin, no overbites, & five fingers on each hand! [Imagines the kids as real humans] AAAH!
• Ah, my beer! Oh, now you'll never have a chance to turn into my urine.
• Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
  • Variant: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
• All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.
• All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
• All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
• Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.
• America's health care system is second only to Japan ... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain ... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
• Are you sure you're an accredited and honored pornographer?
• Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
• Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut.
• Bart can kiss my hairy, yellow butt.
• Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!
• Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
• Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
• Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.
• But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
• Come here, Apu. If it’ll make you feel any better, I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another, until you just wish Flanders was dead.
• D'oh!
• Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. ... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. ... Thy will be done.
• Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.
• Dear Marge, maybe it's just the beer talking, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these chewy pretzles (gibberish) 5 dollars? Get outta here. (Written on Beer Festival postcard)
• Do I know what rhetorical means?
• Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.? The kids can call you Hoju!
• Does whisky count as beer?
• Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! ... Well, good night.
• Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
• Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities : John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin
• Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
• Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
• First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind.
• For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert .
• Get lost Flanders
• Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
• God bless those pagans.
• God cannot be EVERYWHERE, right? ( Homer as Adam in a dream ).
• Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania' or 'teria
• Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
• Help me Jebus, help me!
• Have you ever heard of jet lag. JET LAG?!
• Here are your messages: ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’
• Here in France, no one calls me "fat jerk". I'm a "gourmand".
• Hey, I asked for ketchup! I'm eatin' salad here!
• Hmm...I don't support his Bart-killing policy....but I definitely support his Selma-killing policy (subsequently votes for Sideshow Bob ).
• Homer (drunk): Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us: Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him!
• Homer no function beer well without.
• I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T! (Singing to the tune of pop-goes-the weasel)
• I bet Einstein turned himself into all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
• I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
• I can't believe that someone I've never heard of wants to hang out with a guy like me.
• I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun
• I don't miss a thing. (walks into different room) WOAH! We have a kitchen?!
• I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, I'll just say, 'Yes!'
• I get weary in this sexually suggestive dancing.
• I hope he tells us to burn our pants, these things are driving me nuts.
• I hope I didn't brain my damage.
• I know you can read my thoughts, boy : Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.
• I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.
• I may occasionally kill out of anger; or to illustrate a point, but I'm no Grim Reaper!
• I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called The bus that couldn’t slow down.
• I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.
• I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.
• I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.
• I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
• I wonder where Bart is, his dinner's getting all cold ...... and eaten.
• I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood
• I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnidght.
• I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
• If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
• If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
• If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!
• If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the numbers
• I'll mace you good!
• I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
• I'm going to act how America acts best...unilaterally!
• I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
• I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
• I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.
• I'm no missionary! I don't even believe in Jebus!
• I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
• I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
• I'm not outta order! You're outta order! The whole freakin' system's outta order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that used to be your best friend's face! You'll know what to do— forget it Marge— it's Chinatown!
• I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!
• I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
• If it's about laying off the Guatemalan insanity peppers I'm way ahead of ya!
• If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
• In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
• It is better to watch things than to do them.
• It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
• I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.
• Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't undestand.
• Keep walking Flanders
• Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
• Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
• Lets just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV
• Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
• Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
• Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!
• lousy bragging know-it-all show-off
• lousy Community Service
• lousy cops
• lousy democrats
• lousy drunks
• lousy God
• lousy job
• lousy loveable dog
• lousy stupid Denver
• lousy teachers
• lousy traffic jam
• lousy traumatic childhood
• lousy Wiggum
• Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.
• Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.
• Marge, I think I'll remember my own LIFE!
• Marge, I'd kill for you! Please ask me to kill for you.
• Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something?
• Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
• Marge, quick, how many kids do we have? No time, I'll just estimate. Nine!
• Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it?
• Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.
• Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
• Me lose brain? Uh oh.
• Mmmm...
• Mmm ... 50 dollar pretzel
• Mmm ... 52 slices of American cheese
• Mmm ... 64 slices of American cheese
• Mmm ... apple
• Mmm ... bacon
• Mmm ... beer
• Mmm ... beernut
• Mmm ... bowling alley fresh
• Mmm ... burger
• Mmm ... business deal
• Mmm ... candy
• Mmm ... caramel
• Mmm ... carmel bologna
• Mmm ... chocolate
• Mmm ... convenient

 Mmm ... chicken

• Mmm ... crumbled-up cookie things
• Mmm ... danish

 Mmm ... donuts

• Mmm ... elephant fresh
• Mmm ... far fetched
• Mmm ... fattening
• Mmm ... floorpie
• Mmm ... foot-long chili dog
• Mmm ... forbidden donut
• Mmm ... free goo
• Mmm ... free wig
• Mmm ... fresh batch of American balls
• Mmm ... fuzzy
• Mmm ... ginger bread house
• Mmm ... grapefruit
• Mmm ... gummy-bear
• Mmm ... gum with a cracker center
• Mmm ... ham
• Mmm ... hamburgers
• Mmm ... hippo
• Mmm ... hog fat
• Mmm ... hogan berry
• Mmm ... honey-smoked bacon
• Mmm ... horse doovers
• Mmm ... hug
• Mmm ... incapacitating
• Mmm ... invisible cola
• Mmm ... macamadamia nuts
• Mmm ... Marge
• Mmm ... marshmallows
• Mmm ... me
• Mmm ... mediciny
• Mmm ... memo
• Mmm ... open-faced club sandwich
• Mmm ... organized crime
• Mmm ... pie
• Mmm ... pistol whip
• Mmm ... pointy
• Mmm ... potato chips
• Mmm ... purple
• Mmm ... recirculated air
• Mmm ... reprocessed pig fat
• Mmm ... rich creamery butter
• Mmm ... sacrilicious
• Mmm ... salty
• Mmm ... sandwich
• Mmm ... shrimp
• Mmm ... slanty
• Mmm ... snouts
• Mmm ... something
• Mmm ... soylent green
• Mmm ... spaghetti
• Mmm ... strained peas
• Mmm ... tasty
• Mmm ... that's the next best thing to eating Lenny
• Mmm ... the land of chocolate
• Mmm ... unexplained bacon
• Mmm ... unprocessed fish sticks
• Mmm ... urinal fresh
• Mmm ... various eggs
• Mmm ... waffle runoff
• No son of mine is gonna be a nineteenth-century Cockney bootblack!
• Now who's the Dean!
• Now, son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies, and kids with fake I.D.s.
• Now that happy moment between the time the lie is told and when it is found out.
• Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.
• Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
• Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you Marge .... see ya!
• Oh, I'm sick of doing Japanese stuff! In jail we had to be in this dumb kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, and I wanted to be Oshi, but they made me Ori!
• Oh, Lisa. You and your stories: Bart is a vampire, beer kills brain cells.
• Oh! look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?
• Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. forfty percent of people know that.
• Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
• Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!
• Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.
• Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer!
• Once the sun goes down all the weirdos turn crazy!
• Operator! Give me the number for 911!
• Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them! [Meeting Aliens]
• Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.
• Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.
• Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
• Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
  Homer: I'll handle this ... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty ... that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!
• Simpson, Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....d'oh! (to Flinstone theme)
• Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip!
• Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
• Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
• Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?
• Stupid Flanders! You're a genius.
• Stupid ice. I always knew I'll get stuck in something.
• Stupid T.V. Be more funny.
• Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
• That lying, rail-spitting, theater-going freak!! (after discovering Lincoln didn't bury any gold)
• That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
• The food was not undelicious.
• The hunter has become the hunter.
• The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
• The strong must protect the Sweet.
• To alcohol - The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
• To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don't have to do squat. ( advice to Mr.Burns ).
• Homer: Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
  Lesbian: What was her problem?
• Wait a minute... I'm in no condition to drive...hmm...Hey, I'm drunk! I shouldn't listen to myself !
• Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught 'im. ( about Jesus wearing sandals ).
• We're goin bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths.
• What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?
• What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
• What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "The process of removing weeds from one's garden." ( giving a lecture on marriage ).
• What's keeping Joan Rivers alive?
• When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
• When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
• Who is Fonzy!?! Don't they teach you anything at school?
• Why you little...!!! [usually goes with choking Bart]
• Woo-Hoo!
• Wow, I can't believe we just met Mr Bean! [Homer's comment after meeting Tony Blair, Prime Minister of the UK, who takes off in a jetpack]
• You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
• You su-diddly-uck, Flanders
• Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
• Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her— during the commercial.
• The internet wasn't created for mockery, it was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!
• (to Ned) You help me, and I, in turn, am helped by you!
• Kids don't beat me, I beat kids.
• Stupid American-made dog!
• Our kids keep getting smarter. If we have another kid, he could invent a time machine to go back in time and prevent us from having kids.
• My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.

Dialogs with Homer

• 1st telemarketing message: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you have the power in you right now. So use it. And send one dollar to "Happy Dude," 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is just a dollar away!
  2nd telemarketing message: Hello. This is Homer Simpson, a.k.a. Happy Dude. The court has ordered me to call everyone in town and say that I'm sorry for my telemarketing scams. (pause) I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, please send one dollar to "Sorry Dude," 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.
• Answering machine tape at work:
  Homer: Hello. You have reached the workplace of Homer Simpson. If you are calling about the waterbed, please leave a detailed message. If you need to...
  Mr. Burns: Get back to work.
  Homer: Ahhhh!
• Art lady: It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly . . . or a chimpanzee.
  Homer: Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!
• Bart: Dad, we did something terrible.
  Homer: Did you wreck the car?
  Bart: No.
  Homer: Did you raise the dead?
  Bart: Yes.
  Homer: But the car's ok?
  Bart: Yea but-.
  Homer: Ok then.

• Goodbye. Remember me as I am: Filled with murderous rage!
  (When Lisa picks Marge over him to escape a dying Earth on a space rocket).
• Homer: Flaaaaaandeeers! Flaaaaaaaaandeeeers! Flaaaaanders!
  Ned: What!?
  Homer: Flaaaaanders!
  Ned: What? What is it?!
  Homer: Games out there! Ha ha ha ha! Made you look!
  Ned: Mmmmmm! They're just words, Neddy. Words can't hurt you!
  (Homer throws a beer can. It hits Ned on the head.)
  Ned: Oooow! That's it!
  Lisa: Dad, that was really mean!
  Homer: I know, sweety, and I got him right in the... uh oh..[Flanders is storming towards him. He stands glaring at Homer.][nervously] Heh heh heh... hi, Flanders. Go Wildcats!
  Ned: Do you have a problem with the way I'm coaching?
  Homer: No! No! No no no. Its just that... well... like I was yelling earlier... seems like... anyone with half a brain can coach better than you.
  Ned: Uh huh! Half a brain, huh? Well, you know what? Sounds like you just volunteered!
  [puts cap on Homer's head and gives him the memo board]
  Homer: Me? But you were doing such a great job!

• Homer: You're not gonna make the team with that kind of attitude!
  [Homer is wearing a hat, Marge's self defence whistle, some brown shorts, and a shirt]
  Lisa: I don't want to make the team!
  Homer: Then why are you running the obsticle course?
  Marge: Are you wearing my self defense whistle?
  Homer: You never use it!
  Marge: Hmmmmm...

• Bart: May I be excused, mom?
  Homer: Oh, so now you're quitting dinner, too.
  Marge: Homer, please.
  Homer: I didn't raise him to be a quitter. It must have been you. You quit every job you've ever had. Cop, pretzel vender, church counseller, professional gambler.
  Marge: He's doing what he thinks is best.
  Homer: Well, if quitting is the best, maybe I should just quit my job!
  [Homer walks over to the phone and dials Mr. Burns' number.]
  Mr Burns: Ahoy hoy?
  Homer: Mr Burns? This is Homer J Simpson, the father of the big quitter! Well, I just wanted to tell you I'm a big quitter, too! And I quit!
  [Homer winks twice.]
  Marge: Homer, Mr Burns can't see you winking.
  Homer: So--
  [screams, hangs up phone.]

• Marge: Homer, I've got someone here who can help you?
  Homer: Batman?
  Marge: He's a scientist
  Homer: Batman's a scientist.
  Marge: It's not Batman!
• When discovering that his rocket escaping Earth was actually headed for the Sun, but until there he'd have to endure Rosie O'Donnell 's singing and Tom Arnorld 's jokes:
  Bart: Don't worry dad, we'll be dead in five minutes.
  Homer: Not fast enough! [presses the eject button of a space rocket]
• Bart: That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
  Homer: Ooh, let’s pick him up!
  Marge: No! What if he’s crazy?
  Homer: And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.
• Faith: Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
  Homer: Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really … good.
• Flanders: It's like I'm wearing nothing at all... nothing at all... nothing at all...
  Homer: Stupid, sexy Flanders!
• Flanders: I think we hit something.
  Homer: I hope its Flanders.
• Flanders: What happened to the plow from old snowplow business?
  Homer: I never had a snowplow business.
  Flanders: Yes, you did: "Mr. Plow". You're wearing the jacket right now.
  Homer: I think I remember my own life, Ned. (to himself) Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.
• History Channel narrator: America, 1948. Americans pick their president. Victory seemed certain for Governor Thomas E. Dewey.
  Homer: Dewey! Dewey! Dewey! Dewey!
  Lisa: Dad, I'm telling you. Truman wins.
  Narrator: The headlines proclaim, "Dewey defeats Truman".
  Homer: Yes, I win the bet! Who’s your daddy?!
  Narrator: But the headlines are dead wrong. (Homer gasps) Harry Truman triumphs by two million votes.
  Homer: Not if I can stop that inauguration!
• Homer (childproofing Apu's apartment): You should get yourself a nice, round Buddha.
  Apu: Sir, I am a Hindu!
  Homer: Well, so am I, but I don't get all huffy about it!
• Homer: (demonstrating the garage door) I just press this button and the door opens like magic.
  (door rises a few inches and stops)
  Pepe: Why does it stop there?
  Homer: Because it's a stupid PIECE OF JUNK!!
  (Homer begins pounding the door)
• Homer: (driving ambulance) Where to man?
  Comic Book Guy: For the third time, the hospital! You are an ambulance, not a taxi!
  Homer: Hospital, ah? Wow, everyone's going there tonight.
  Lisa: Dad, you've been driving in circles for twenty minutes! Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
  Homer: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?!
• Homer: All right, guys! It's time to clean up this town!
  Skinner: Meaning what exactly?
  Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel important. That kind of thing.
• Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
  Marge: That's because you were drunk!
  Homer: And how!
• Homer: Hello, My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me...
  Post Officer: Okay, Mr. Burns...what is your first name?
  Homer: I don't know...
• Homer: Here you go, Flanders. I've found your missing wheelbarrow, chainsaw, leaf blower, and morning newspaper.
  Ned: Ooo, good job, Inspector Find-it. Did you catch the thief?
  Homer: (suspicious) Who said it was a he?
  Ned: Well, I sure didn't.
  Homer: Who said you did?!
  Ned: No one.
  Homer: Wrong answer! You're coming with me!
  Ned: Okaly-dokaly.
  Homer: Don't push your luck, pal!
• Homer: If that tree gets too big, it'll ruin the beauty of that rock. We'll lose tourists! Then who will buy my road-side corn?!
  Marge: You don't sell road-side corn.
  Homer: There's a lot you don't know about me Marge. A lot that would shock you.
• Homer: No TV, no beer, makes Homer something something...
  Marge: ...go crazy?
  Homer: Don't mind if I do! (Crazed gibberish)
• Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
  Vendor: We have crab juice and Mountain Dew.
  Homer: Eeewww. I'll have the crab juice!
• Homer: Oh, no! Lisa's dead! And nothing will ever bring her back! (slyly) Unless...
  Lisa: Dad, I'm not dead.
  Homer: Oh, praise God! You're alive! (slyly) Unless...
• Homer: Oh, you know what Arthur Fortune did lately? He donated two male pandas to the zoo and got them to mate, successfully!
  Mr. Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
  Homer: Oh, yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. (looking out window) WOW, a blue car!
• Homer: Son, if there's one thing this life has taught me, it's to avoid trouble just say nothing. Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat! Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms; they're filthy!
  Bart: But I have to say something.
  Homer: Talk about boats. Then when they ask you if you hate this country, you just cry and pretend you don't.
  Bart: But I don't hate this country.
  Homer: There, there. Just save your lies for the American public.
• Homer: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Lisa, honey, are you saying you are never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
  Lisa: No.
  Homer: Ham?
  Lisa: No.
  Homer: Pork chops?
  Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
  Homer: Heh, heh, heh. (sarcastically) Oh, suuure Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
• Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?
  Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
  Homer: (after staring blankly) Can I have some money now?
• Homer: You're going straight to juvie!
  Jimbo: But I just got out of juvie.
  Homer: Good! 'Cause I need directions!
• I'll never mock the Coast Guard again. You Navy rejects are all right.(after getting rescued)
• Lenny: Hey Homer, weren't you the plant's Y2K compliance officer?
  Homer: Absolutely!
  Carl: Must've been hard debugging all those computers, eh?
  Homer: Doing what now?
  Lisa: You did do it right, Dad? Because a single faulty unit could corrupt every other computer in the world.
  Homer: (calm) That can't be true honey. If it were, I'd be terrified.
• Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
• Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
  Homer: Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.
• Lisa: Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
  Homer: Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...
• Lisa: Okay, I put all the chores in this hat.
  Homer: (moving hand through hat) Come on, bikini inspector! (picks chore) "Scrub toliet"?! Okay that was a practice. (picks chore) Practice. (picks another chore) Practice. (picks another chore) Oh, here we go. "Feed fish"!
  Bart: I'll supervise!
  Lisa: You know, the reason for the hat...
  Homer: Oh, it's a great hat. No one's questioning the hat.
  Lisa: Urgh! Will you at least do the dishes?!
  Homer: Lisa, I'll do the dishes when I pick out of the chore hat, and it's not a practice. (picks chore) See, there it is! But that was a practice. This system works!
• Lisa: You should really listen to him. He's a man of science, and you can barely read.
  Homer: Bah, science. Has science ever kissed a woman, or won the Super Bowl, or put a man on the moon? Here's what I think of your precious science. (goes full speed into a blood vein. Submarine begins to go out of control) Help me science!
• Marge: Homer! Stop! You'll kill us all!
  Homer: Or die trying!
• Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
  Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
• Marge: What about Mr. Burns, maybe he'll help us out.
  Homer: Forget it, he releases the hounds at every charity that comes to his door, Feed the Children, Save the Whales, even Release the Hounds
• Marge: What happened to the car?
  Homer: Nothing.
  Marge: I don't remember it having broken axels before!
  Homer: Before before before! You're livin in the past Marge. Quit livin in the past!
• Stewardess: I'm sorry, but this flight is overbooked.
  Marge: Hmmm. So much for getting my groove back.
  Stewardess: So we are going to upgrade you both to first class.
  Homer: There's a first class?!
• When presented with the possibility of becoming more intelligent by surgically removing a crayon that had been lodged in his brain:
  Doctor: "This procedure could increase your brain power. Or may possibly kill you."
  Homer: "Hummm. Increase my killing powers, hey? Let's do it!"
• When resorting to Moe's skills as an unlicensed surgeon to go back to being dumb by jamming a crayon into his brain through his nose:
  Moe: "What would you like me to do?"
  Homer: "Make me as dumb as I was before."
  [Moe jams the crayon up Homer's nose]
  Homer: "De-fense! De-fense!"
  Moe: "Humm. That's pretty dumb. But still..."
  [Jams crayon further up Homer's nose]
  Homer: "Extended warranty?! How can I loose?!"
  Moe: "That's dumb enough."
• Homer is managing Moe's while Moe is away visiting his Alma Mater college:
  Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger, first name Ollie.
  Homer (excited): Ooh, Bart, my first prank call! What do I do?
  Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
  Homer: I don't get it.
  Bart: Yell out "I'll eat a booger".
  Homer: What's the gag?
  Bart: Oh, forget it...
• (The Simpsons are waiting for the bird eggs Bart was caring for to hatch)
  Homer: This is the most amazing thing I've seen since Haley's Comet collided with the Moon!
  Lisa: That never happened, Dad.
  Homer: Suuuuure it didn't.

Trashing Fox

• Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results:
  Homer: Animotion
  [Voice]: Animotion - up 1 1/2
  Homer: Yahoooo!!!!!!
  [Voice]: Yahoo - up 6 1/4
  Homer: Huh, what is this crap?
  [Voice]: Fox Corporation - down 10
  [Homer grins with satisfaction]
• While discussing with Bart his plan to go into the woods at night to try to film an alien that has been seen in Springfield:
  Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
  Bart: What if we don't?
  Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
  Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy anything.
  Homer: Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
  They both burst in laughter
  Homer: I kill me.
• In a cybercafe :
  Lisa: Wow, Dad, you're surfing like a pro!
  Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on Jai-alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"...
  Lisa:Dad!! That's Fox!!
  Homer: AAHH! Undo! Undo! [pressing frenetically the undo key; sighs]
• The Simpsons, Chief Wiggum and the "Aligator keeper from Australia " praise the programs on nbc after Marge uses knowledge acquired watching a NBC show to save Homer from a charging Rhino :
  Homer: Oh Marge, you saved me!
  Bart: Wow, you are so much cooler than Milhouse's mom!
  Wiggum: Yeah, way to channel that rage, Simpson.
  Lisa: How'd you know your plan would work, Mom?
  Marge: Glad you asked, honey. Well, I was watching "Dateline," and Stone Phillips said SUVs always roll over when you turn sharply. And the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat.
  Zookeeper: And she also knew that if a rhino sees a flame, he'll instinctively try to put it out.
  Marge: Stone Phillips again.
  Homer: Is there anything that guy doesn't know?
  Zookeeper: Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?
  Bart: Why, NBC, of course.
  Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.
  Wiggum: Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?
  Homer: Oh, I'm sure of it.
  Marge: But there's only one way to find out.
  [cut to the closing credits]
  Homer [voice-over]: I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... [sound of gun cocking] ... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC -- bad. Fox -- good. [sotto voce] CBS great.
  [sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Studios logo appears, accompanied by three gunshots]
• 
  Homer: I'm the worst thing to happen to sports since FOX.
• A debate moderator on Fox News opens his show:
  Welcome to Fox News, your voice for evil.
• When Mr. Plow's TV ad is finally aired:
  Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!
• At Springfiled’s mayoral debate:
  Larry King: The League of Uninformed Voters presents the Springfield Mayoral Debates. I'm your moderator, Larry King. Now, a word to our audience: even though we're being broadcast on Fox, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.

Marge Simpson

• Grocery shopping is so exciting! It's like unwrapping presents from yourself.
• Hey! They're doing a documentary on Canadian Graffiti! (Cuts to a spraypainted sign saying 'Obey the Rules')
• History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you have dates to memorize.
• Homer, I don’t want to leave Springfield. I’ve dug myself into a happy little rut here and I’m not about to hoist myself out of it
• Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, but last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it.
• I guess one person can make a difference. But most of the time, they probably shouldn't.
• I'd like to visit that Long Island Place, if only it were real. (drinking a Long Island Iced Tea)
• It was pretty exciting. But celery's pretty exciting too
• Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years!
• You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience.
• Now if you'll excuse me I have some dust that needs busting.
• Now let's all forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!
• Now that's what I call breakneck speed!
• Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
• She's such a butt-hole.
• Shoot 'em all, and let God sort them out.
• That boy failed show-and-tell but he's on our ass like Sherlock Holmes. (about Bart)
• You can't say 'sex' on the internet!!
• You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
• You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.
• Bart, stop bothering Satan!
• (After Lisa implies that God might be female) HER?! She's just kidding, Mister Lord!
• (After Bart says "I'm not going on the dang field trip") "Bart! Watch your language.... oh.. you did."

Dialogs with Marge

• Marge: No! Let's hear him out! He kind of looks like Walter Mondale .
  Janitor/Walter Mondale: Yeah... Looks like.
• Marge (In Toronto): I see you drive on the left up here.
  Driver: No, ma'am. I'm drunk.
• Marge: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey Jr. is shooting it out with the police!
  (shows a building where Robert Downey Jr. is exchanging gunfire with a dozen cops)
  Bart: I don't see any cameras.

Bart Simpson

• Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
• Ay, caramba!
• But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace!
• Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.
• Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
• Don't have a cow man!
• Don't worry, all the convicts are long dead! And I'm sure that their ghosts are in hell.
• Don't worry, Stampy. I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer. You and I are going to run away together. We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south. Then, if I know my geography, it's just twelve miles to Africa.
• Eat my shorts!
• Goodbye, Bart. My dad's filming a movie in Toronto.
  Bart: You're going to Spain!?
• I am aware of the work of Pablo Naruda.
• I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress— Hmm, that gives me an idea. Note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.
• I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!
• I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
• I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!
• I think its ironic that for once dad's butt prevented the release of toxic gas.
• I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
• I didn't do it!
  (When he accidentally became the "I didn't do it" kid on Krusty's show.)
• I'm on tv now. It's my job to be repetitive. Being repetitive is my job. Repetitiveness is my job.
  (When coming to terms with being the "I didn't do it" kid.)
• I've said it before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!
• Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
• It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing...We're gonna live like kings...Damn-Hell-Ass kings!!
• It's craptacular.
• It's Fuhrerific. (Referring to what is claimed to be Hitler's car)
• No. We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!
  (When arguing that the Springfield kids should not expose their parents' hypocrisy on the internet .)
• Not even I would do that, and I'm America's bad boy!
  (Upon learning that Homer escaped from the hospital to avoid donating a kidney to his own father)
• Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.
• That lemon tree's a part of our town, and as kids, the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their rivers with our dead!
• There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
• These prices suck! 10,000 yen for coleslaw?
• To Mrs. Krabappel: "I never knew an angel could fly so low."
• Underachiever— and proud of it, man!
• What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them... as is my understanding.
• What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?
• What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.
• When I die, I'm coming back as a butterfly
  Lisa enquires as to why
  Because no one ever suspects... the butterfly! (laughs with glee imagining himself as a butterfly watching Principal Skinner take the blame for burning down the school)
• Why would God punish a kid? I mean.... an American kid?
• Wow! You got to see the rod?
• You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things I'll never get a chance to do: smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, shave a swear word in my hair.
• You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Dialogs with Bart

• Bart: Hey, why is it destroying other toys?
  Lisa: They must have programmed it to eliminate competition.
  Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
• Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
  Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
• Bart: Oh, I'm starving! Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?
  Marge: No, no one's going Catholic. Three children is enough, thank you.
• Bart: But I can't play quarterback! I don't even know how!
  Homer: Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
  Bart: Since when?
  Homer: Since your mother yelled at me. Now, how about that hug.
  [Homer completely dismisses his driving and hugs Bart.]
  Bart: Dad! The car!
  Lisa: I got it.
• (after Bart gets his ear pierced)
  Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff, would...
  Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff?!!? I'm there!
• Casino worker: Excuse me, are you over the age of 17?
  (Bart is kick out of the casino)
  Bart: I don't need your casino!
  Worker: Oh yeah, what are you gonna do, start your own casino?
  (Bart starts his own casino at his treehouse)
  Worker: Well, he certainly showed me.

Lisa Simpson

• As Intelligence goes up, Happiness goes down. See, I made a graph. I make a lot of graphs.
• I am the Lizard Queen!
• I want my old dad back, the one who was yelling all the time and...(pause) you know, I'm not sure what I want. (after Homer stops taking marijuana)
• If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time.
• Prayer, the last refuge of a scoundrel.
• It would rather destroy itself than live with us. You can't help but feel a little rejected.
• Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
• Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.
• There truly were monsters on that ship, and truly, we were them.
• He's not like anybody I've ever met. He's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest. (about Nelson)
• You can't change anyone... except for that boy at the library.
• This is ridiculous. Only babies and ex-[word missing] are afraid of needles. (Dr. Hibbert inoculates Lisa; Lisa starts to cry) Can I have a lollipop?
• When you [enter a verb], I'll be [usually "in my room", but sometimes other places, such as "outside"].

Dialogs with Lisa

• Lisa: Mrs Rowling, I've read all your books.
  JK Rowling: Thank you, young Muggle.
  Lisa: Can you tell me what happens at the end?
  JK Rowling (testily): sigh... He grows up and marries you. Is that what you wanted to hear?
  Lisa (dreamily): Yeesss..... **Lisa's brief conversation with JK Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books.
• (Blair Witch rip-off)
  Lisa: (talking into camera) Both of us heard strange noices coming from this very spot. Bart and I will explore the attic until we find their source. (creaking; laughs nervously) Hee, hee, must be the pipes. What do you think, Bart?
  Bart: I think you're on your own, tuts. (leaves)
  Lisa: Okay, I'll just stay calm and approach this scientifically. (more creaking) Oh God, oh God, oh god. (crying) If I don't make it out alive, I love you, Mom and Dad. Maggie, you can have my books. And Bart, I'll see you in hell, you booger-eating wuss! That's right, we all know!
• (Staring at a cake) Okay. If I can have just one dab of frosting and then stop, I'll have mastered eating forever. (eats one dab) Hmmm. That seemed too easy. (Eats more, and then dives in, laughing. Eventually stops) Okay. If I stop now, I'll have some dignity left.
• ..and then, you pull the ole' fork-in-the-eye!
• Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
  Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.
• Homer: [expansive] So, how was everybody's day at school?
  Bart: Horrifying!
  Lisa: Pointless!
  Marge: Exhausting. It took the children forty minutes to locate Canada on the map.
  Homer: Marge, anyone can miss Canada, all tucked away down there.
  Lisa: Well, my teacher's a nightmare. Three kids got sick from inhaling his ointment fumes, he confiscated everything made of tin, and then he sent us home early because he got his beard caught in the pencil sharpener.
• Bart: Hey, what about those religions where you eat human hearts?
  Lisa: No.
  Bart: What about Methodist?
  Lisa: NO!
• Lisa: No! I belong here!
  Homer: Sweetey, we can't afford it now, but I promise that I'll send you to the best college there is.
  Lisa: Really?
  Homer: In South Carolina.
  Lisa: I will not be a Gamecock!
  Homer: You will, too! (as he pulls Lisa from the gate) Go, Gamecocks!

Maggie Simpson

• squish squish (the sound of Maggie sucking on her pacifier)

Dialogs with Maggie

• Homer: They say the sooner kid learn to talk, the sooner they learn to talk back. (lays her in her crib) I hope you never say a word. (Homer turns the light off and closes the door)
  Maggie: (takes her pacifier out of her mouth) Daddy.

Attributed

• Marge: That ad makes me look like a criminal.
  Homer: Then why did you appear in it?
  Marge: That wasn't me
  Homer: Maybe she was you, and you're not! How many kids do we have?!
  Marge: Three!
  Homer: Wrong, lady! Oh right, the baby.
• Lisa: But I IQ is 159. Does that mean that Maggie's smarter than me?
  Simon Cowell: (with sarcasm) That's right! Because 167 is a bigger number than 159! Do you get it?
  Lisa: (annoyed) Yes, thank you.
• Homer: So our kids are getting smarter! If you have another kid, it would be so smart that it would a time machine to go back and prevent us from having kids!

Homer: Doh!

Abraham Simpson

• Anyway, long story short -- is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling.
• (After Homer tells bad Halloween story) I've coughed up scarier things than that!
• Bah, back when I was young, we got spanked by Presidents all the time. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.
• Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crack-pot.
• I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck on the toilet?
• We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to ride the ferry cost a nickel, but in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. 'Gimme 5 bees for a quarter,' you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yes.The important thing was, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.
• Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it. (on Homer's first day of school)
• Lisa: Bart, do you realise what this means? The next time we fall asleep we could die!
  Grampa: Ehhh, welcome to my world.
• Not many people know I was the first person to own a radio in Springfield. Weren't much on the airwaves those days, just Edison reciting the alphabet. "A," he'd say, then "B"..."C" would usually follow...
• When I read your magazine, I don't see one wrinkled face or single toothless grin. For shame! To the sickos at 'Modern Bride' magazine.
• Bart: But Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
  Grandpa: I figured it was 'cause the Democrats were in power again.
• Grandpa: My story begins in the year Nineteen Dickety-Two. We had to say "dickety", because the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles.
  Martin: Dickety! Highly dubious.
  Grandpa:What're you cacklin' about, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem.
• Marge: Dirty word drinks, adult boardgames; I'm so glad I sent the kids to Grandpa's to protect their innocent minds.
  Grandpa: (showing Bart and Lisa a photo album) And here are some more Germans we killed. That flamethrower really sausaged their waffles.
  Bart/Lisa: Ewwww! Gross!
  Lisa: Grandpa, how do you sleep at night?!?
  Grandpa: They drug us.
• Marge; Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?
  Grandpa: I sure hope so...
• Grandpa: That doll is EVIL, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!!
  Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
  Grandpa: I just want attention.
• Grandpa: You were right, son. I never did say anything nice about you.
  Homer: Oh, dad...So, are you gonna say something nice about me now?
  Grandpa: Well now, I hadn't thought that far ahead yet. Here goes...Homer, I'm not sorry I had you. I was always proud you weren't...a short man.
• In my day mechanical men wore funnel hats and showed respect. Then they got the vote and started tinkering with our memories.
• Lisa: Oh, Grampa, you're not busy are you?
  Grandpa: Well you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Burn had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges...and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning I resigned my commission with the coastguard. The next thing I knew there was civil war in Spain... and, that's everything which happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call...
• The good lord lets us grow old for a reason: to find fault in everything he's created.

Mona Simpson

• Mona: Homer, you're hugging a bum.
  Homer: I'm working my way on to you, mom.
  Bum: (after hugging) Hey, give me my wine back!

Ned Flanders

• Hi-diddly-ho, neighbors!
• (reading from Mr. X's website) They're controlling our minds with flu vaccines! Are we glad that we don't believe in inocculations, boys?
• I walked for the cure... of homosexuality!

Dialogs with Ned

• Lisa: I'm a Buddhist!
  Ned: My Satan sense is tingling! To the root cellar, boys!
  Rod (or Todd): When are we coming out?
  Ned: Maybe never.
  Rod and Todd: Yay!
• Ned: Did you have to saw off my roof?
  Homer: My car, your roof. It's only fair.
  Ned: But it's my car!
• Ned: What happened to your old plow business?
  Homer: I never had a plow business!
  Ned: Yes, you did! Remember, "Mr. Plow"? Look, you're wearing the jacket right now!
  Homer: (looks back to read the "Mr. Plow" sign at the back of his jacket) I think I know my own life, Ned. (starts singing the "Mr. Plow" song) Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow.
• Ned: Well, I guess it's just you and me, Sea Captain.
  Sea Captain: Are you coming on to me? 'Cause I don't do that..., on land.
• Ned: ...and Harry Potter and all his friends went to hell for practicing witchcraft.
  Rod and Tod: YAY!!!!

Kent Brockman

• Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over- 'conquered' if you will- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthman or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
• Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
• Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of 'Smartline'. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say 'No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?' But one woman says 'yes'...Marge Simpson.
• I guess you can call him the little turtle who couldn't! Check our website for recipies.
• Coming up next: Can yodeling cure cancer? Of course not.
• Today, a massive tidal wave struck Kua...Kuala Lum..Ka-walla...France!
• The [federal] government has just issued an Orange Alert, which again means... nothing.
• Hello, this is Kent Brockman! First up, an explosion... in the price of lumber. President Reagan dies/dyes... his hair.
• (when picked on by Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw ) This just in: I'm pissed off!

Mr. Burns

• ...Simpson, eh?
• A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
• Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones.
• Ah, Smithers. You're the sober ying to my incorrigible yang.
• Ahoy-hoy [Mr Burns answering a telephone]
• Bad corpse! Stop ... scaring ... Smithers!
• Excellent.
• Hmmm. . . Eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd think I'd be happier with the dollar.
• I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.
• I'm at war with a little girl! And I'm losing!
• I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh.
• Just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time.
• Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
• Non-violence never solved anything!
• Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! What are the Germans going to do to me?!
• Pie that brownie...fruitcake.
• Reading? His job description clearly specified an illiterate!
• Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!
• Smithers: Our research shows that people see you as something of an ogre.
  Burns: Why, I ought to club them and eat their bones!
• That's it little drones. Make honey for your queen. Fools! Fools! (Talking to a hive of bees)
• Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.
• What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
• You've just won the, uh, First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for, uh, Outstanding Acheivement in the Field of uh, Excellence...
• [Stone flies through Mr. Burns' office window] Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
• I don't much like the outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.
• Darling, my kneecaps are filling with fluid even as I speak, so I'll get right to the point.
• Yes, yes, we've heard quite enough about Blizblaz and Himham; get to the bloody point!
• [Thinking Marge is a gas station attendand] You there! Fill this up with petroleum distillate. Post Haste! And revulvanize my tires.
• This will like stealing candy from a baby...say, that sounds like a larf.

Dialogs with Mr. Burns

• Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
  Smithers: If you did it, sir?
• Burns: Release the League of Evil. [Wall opens to reveal a table with skeletons at it] What happened to my league?
  Smithers: Even monsters need air, sir.
• Burns: Smithers, I've designed a new airplane. I call it the "Spruce Moose", and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idyllwild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes!
  Smithers: That's quite a nice model, sir.
  Burns: Model?
• Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
  Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
• Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
  Homer: (shudder) John Denver.
• Burns: To the plant. And the Spruce Moose will take us there. Hop in, Smithers.
  Smithers: But sir, that's just...
  Burns: (holding a gun) I said, "hop in".
• Burns: You know Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphange . . . When pigs fly. (Both laugh as an airborne pig suddenly "flies" by, having been ejected from the Simpsons BBQ.)
  Smithers: Will you be donating that million dollars now sir?
  Burns: Mm . . . No I'd still prefer not.
• Burns:Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
• Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges syndrome".
  Mr. Burns: So, what you're telling me is...I'm indestructible.
  Doctor: Oh, no no. Even a slight breeze could...
  Mr. Burns: Indestructible.
• I see you have your running shoes on. That´s a good thing...
• The telephone is so impersonal. I much prefer the hands-on touch you can only get with hired goons.

Lenny Leonard

• Carl, let me die first. I couldn't bear to watch you die.
• Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination. Uh oh! Sharks, the assasins of the sea. Oh.. You're not sharks. You're dolphins, the clowns of the sea. Oww.. Hey, what's the gag? Owww!!!
• I'm Lenny, this is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny.
• Oh boy! She's got legs from here to ya-ya.
• Ahh.. My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!
• The teams been horrible since it was bought by that cheap and heartless duff corporation. Hey Moe, gimme a duff. (drinks) Oh yeah. Sweeet Duff.
• Homer: Listen, Lenny. I know I was a pretty bad Secret Santa (gives Lenny a present) so I wanted to make it up to you.
  (Lenny unwraps the present)
  Lenny: Wow, a photo cube with pictures of us.
  Homer: I even filed down all the sharp corners. See, your eye is completely safe. (begins jabbing it in Lenny's eye)
  Lenny: Hey, wow. It just stings a little.

Carl Carlson

• Moe: Look, Homer, I'm really glad you're off that "wacky tobacky".
  Lenny: Yeah, you were getting all spacey and everything. We were going to have an intervention.
  Carl: But then I got alcohol poisoning during the planning. I nearly died! (everyone starts laughing)
  Moe: I was already making up excuses not to go to your funeral! (everyone laughs harder)
• (drunk) We're your friends, Homer's kids' principal.
• Wait a minute, Duff owns the Springfield Isotopes? Since when?
• Smithers (drawing names for teams): Lenny...and Carl.
  Carl: Ah, nuts.
  (looks at Lenny)
  Carl: I mean...ah, nuts.

Patty & Selma

• Selma: It says in here that you're single!
• Patty: Marry Me, Patty? (Skinner shows her the ring) Look at the size of that rock!
• Selma: I'm sorry, but I can't bring a child into a loveless marriage.
• Selma: Single, eh? Well, he passes the "Selma test".
• Selma: From now on, I'm only getting married for love... and maybe once more for money.
• Patty and Selma: (about Maggie) Aww, so helpless.

Comic Book Guy (Jeff Albertson)

• (Reads a comic) But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills! You're from two different worlds! (Sees atomic bomb) Oh, I've wasted my life.
• Comic book guy: Internet King? Perhaps he can provide faster nudity. *ring* Yes, I'd like to upgrade my 28.8 kilobaud modem to a fiber-optic T1 line. Can you provide an IP router compatible with my Token-Ring LAN Configuration?
  Homer: Can you give me money now?
• Correction, I don't believe I've ever bought you . . . oh.
• Human contact: the final frontier.
• I must find the Klingon word for loneliness. (looks in dictionary) Galdak.
• I must return to my lair, where I dispense the insults, rather than absorb them.
• Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
• Nooo, it's no longer a collectible!
• Now make like my pants and split!
• Stan Lee insulted me! But in Bizzaro World, that means he likes me!
• You may keep my posterior, however, please return my Jabba the Butt tattoo.
• You'd think that would deter me, but no!
• [after buying 100 tacos] This should provide adequate sustenance for the Dr. Who marathon.
• Homer: I need some money for Christmas. How much will you give me for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card? It's kind of old.
  Comic Book Guy: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this card is only worth...(turns cash register upside down and dumps all his money) EVERYTHING I'VE GOT! Everything! Take it! (takes baseball card) Oh no! I've smudged it with nacho fingers! I must deftly lick it off.
  Homer: Thank you (under his breath) freak.
• Stop! Those are prescription pants!
• Please do not bang on the display case. It contains an extremely rare issue of Mary Worth in which she advises a friend to commit suicide.
• Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh out loud.
• Ned: I don't believe we've met.
  Jeff: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me "Comic Book Guy".
• [considering the disembodied hand] The gag I would give a D+. As for the workmanship on the hand ... [suddenly, the hand comes to life, runs down CBG's back, and gives him a wedgie] Ooh! That's not right![audience laughs]*You* mocking *me*! Oh, that is rich. [the hand wedgies him harder, tugging him right off the stage. He lands on a rack of wizard hats, to of which stick to his chest] Stop your laughing! You're all banned! [takes the hats off his chest] Banned, I tell you!

Disco Stu

• Disco Stu doesn't advertise.
• Disco Stu got addicted to the white stuff in the seventies. (holding a bag of sugar)
• Disco Stu likes disco music.
• Disco Shrew can still boogaloo.
• Disco Stu (as an ancient Greek): Discus Stu has ouzo for two-zo.
  Bart: I'll leave you guys alone.
  Disco Stu: Discus Stu was talking to you.
• Did you know that disco record sales were up 400% for the year ending 1976? If these trends continues... AAY!
• The South will boogie again!
• Disco Stu just got an annullment from John Paul Two. Boogie down!

Prof. Frink

• Frink: Acording to my calculations every robot will eventualy run amok with the killing and the screaming and the pointy teeth...
  Scientist: My God Professor, when will this happen?
  Frink: In exactly 24 hours! (robots get up and start attacking lab workers) Oh dear, I forgot to carry the one.
• Professor Frink, Professor Frink
  He'll make you laugh, He'll make you think
  He likes to run and do the... thing... with the... person. [pause] Oh boy that monkey's gonna pay!
• Frink: Well, you should think of stuff that people need, but which do not exist yet.
  Homer: You mean like an electric-blanket-mobile?
  Frink: Well, I suppose that's possib...or you could think of stuff that exist, and find a new use for it, like...
  Homer: Hamburger earmuffs.
  Frink: Well, that may...
  Homer: So long sucker!
  Frink: What?! Okay, calm down, Frinky. These babies will be in the stores while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix!
• JESUS, MARY, AND GLAVIN!!!
• Mr. Burns: What do you think I'm paying you for?
  Homer: Uh, to work in your power plant?
  Willie: You're not paying me anything.
  Frink: You kidnapped me. I remember it distinctly, with the grabbing and the duct-taping and the tennis ball in the mouth. It hurt me.
• Now, that I have my hammer-screwdriver, I could reanimate him, without the switching of tools. Oh, that always tedious and ANNOYING.
• As you can see, I have created a lemon ball so sour, it can only be safely contained in a magnetic field.
• Good morning, ma'am, good afternoon, sir. It passed noon while I was speaking so that was technically accurate.
• Unshrink you? Well, that would require some sort of a re-bigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous is makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle, and... uh..., but not at you, O holiest of gods, with the wrathfulness and the vengeance and the blood rain and the hey-hey-hey-it-hurts-me...
• Well, sure, the Frinkiac-7 looks impressive - Don't touch it! - But I predict that within 100 years computers will be twice as powerful, 10,000 times larger, and so expensive that only the five richest kings in Europe will own them.
• PI IS EXACTLY THREE!!! (to get the attention of a group of chattering scientists)
• Oh, then your not going to like my mechanincal spider. With the stepping and the squashing and the webs made of NYLON

Barney Gumble

• Barney: Relapse!
  Lisa: R-E-L-A-P-S-E
  Barney: that's what beer has done to me! sock-it-to-me sock-it-to-me sock-it-to-me
• Hmm... someone spillt beer into this ashtray!
• Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up!
• [Barney drinking from the tap]: Ah! My heart just stopped! .... Ahh there it goes.
• (Moe and Lenny are watching Homer get struck by lighting in Japan)
  Lenny: Hey, Moe. Ain't that Homer on the Japanese T.V. channel?
  Moe: Wait a minute. If that's Homer, then who the hell's been putting drinks on his tab?
  (They both look at Barney, who is dressed up like Homer)
  Barney: Do'h. Woo-hoo. Um, that boy ain't right. (leaves)
• Can I at least smell your breath?

Reverend Lovejoy

• ...and thereby boring into the rock of injustice. Boring, boring, boring, boring...
• Damn Flanders (every time Flanders phones him something bad happens to his trains)
• I've never had to say this before, but it is completely his fault! And I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame. (To Marge)
• Oh Ned, have you ever tried any other of the major religions? They're all pretty much the same.
• Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.
  Helen: Hmm, hmm.
  Marge: Isn't that a sin?
  Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, everything is a sin. (holds out Bible) Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
• Wait a minute! This sounds like rock and/or roll music.
• [after finding an easter bunny in the collection plate] Who put this blasphemous icon in here?
• Rev. Lovejoy: And so with that in mind, go in peace to do the Lord's Work. Aaaaaaaaaaaa...
  (everyone anxiously gets ready to leave)
  Rev. Lovejoy: ...aaaaaa Mennonite minister will be here to give a guest sermon next week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
  Homer: Don't make me come up there!
  Rev. Lovejoy: ...men.
  (everyone stampedes out)
• Lisa: We need you to help us find a rabbi.
  Rev. Lovejoy: Now before you do anything hasty, let me assure you the church is changing to meet the needs of today's young Christians.
• Eventually, I stopped caring. Luckily, it was the eighties and no one noticed.
• Don't you see what happened? Somehow Bart Simpson has managed to introduce his bedroom into my house!
• Lovejoy: Today, we will be reading the passages by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
  (Homer angrily clears his throat)
  Lovejoy: (nervous) Uh, maybe just Matthew and Mark.
  (Homer continues clearing his throat and does the "finger across the throat" gesture)
  Lovejoy: Amen! (leaves. We hear a car starting and driving away)
• Lovejoy: Does anyone know a reason why these two should not be wed?
  Mrs. Krabappel (the bride): I do.
  Lovejoy: No, you say that part later.
• Marge, you can save more souls with rollerskates and Easy Bake ovens than with this 2,000-page sleeping pill.

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

• Ah! the searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.
• Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass
• Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
• I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
• Kindly pay for your purchases and get out, and come again!
• Mmmm, that's good adultery!
• Oh no, if Homer discovers the discount superstore next door, all is lost. Nickel off on expired baby food!
• Please do not offer peanuts to my god.
• Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
• Thank you for coming. I will see you in hell.
• Thank you, come again!
• Thank you, steal again. . . . (a variant for the school bullies)
• Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.
• Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
• The Nye Mets are my favorite squadron. [Refering to the New York Mets]
• Good rice, good curry. Good Gandhi, lets hurry! [When Marge and Homer were over for dinner]
• I did not come to this country illegally to see it mocked.
• Oh look. It's Mr. Homer, my favorite customer. Please feel free to flip through my Playdudes and eat my raw bacon and tell me to go back to some country I'm not actually from.
• (Apu goes to the Simpsons as they try to sell their house) Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!

Dialogs with Apu

• Apu: Baby Asprin $24.95.
  Marge: $24.95!?
  Apu: Yes. I had to lower the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.
• Apu: My child was just trying to play with this child who is not your daughter.
  Moe: yea alright MR. Nahassa...passa..I'm rasin' a pervert
• Barney: I'm not too thrilled with our Stonewall Jackson, neither.
  Apu (dressed as General Jackson): The South shall come again!
• Manjula: Wait, but you don't know who he is!
  Apu: Yes, but there's only one of him.

Nelson Muntz

• Check it out, a freezer geezer!
• Haa ha
• Hey, that hurts. No wonder no one came to my birthday party.
• I'll be back in a week!
• Lisa: [reading] "Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?
  Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke something.*
• Nelson: Hey, it's not my fault. I can't afford a better lunchbox 'cause I'm poor. (class laughs) Shut up! My mom got too fat to work at Hooters. (class laughs) They won't even let her park cars. (class laughs)
  Krabappel: Class, stop it! Nelson may be poor, but I'm sure he has his seven dollars for today's field trip.
  Nelson: Um, actually...uh...the thing is...
  (Bus stops and leaves Nelson on the sidewalk. Nelson looks in a window and sees himself wearing a suit and tophat)
  Nelson: (crying) Someday.
• We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today let's pound his kidneys.
• [On the movie "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title!
• A doctor? for your teeth? - Whats next, a lawyer for your hair?
• Hey, Bart. I "borrowed" my uncle's pellet gun. Wanna go shoot Apu?
• Skinner: I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community sevice.
  Nelson: What if we refuse?
  Skinner: Then you won't pass to the next grade.
  Nelson: Somehow, I fail to see the threat.
• Wiggum: (collecting I.D.'s) All right, you two scofflaws are violating curfew. I'm taking you downtown. (looking at Nelson's) Oh, uh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert.
  Nelson: (deep voice) Not at all, officer. (laughing like Hibbert)
• Smell ya later.
• Lisa: What do you think is inside you?
  Nelson: I don't know...guts...black stuff.
• Lisa: (In the spelling bee) I-M-P...
  Bart: Hey, Lisa said she was...
  Nelson: Shut up, pee!
• Joy to the world, the teacher's dead.
  We barbequed her head.
  What happened to her body?
  We flushed it down the potty.
  And 'round and 'round it goes.
  And 'round and 'round it goes...
• Papa?
• It's horrible. It looks like Wisconsin.
• Mrs. Krabappel: What is the center of the circulatory system?
  Students: (confused)
  Mrs. Krabappel: It's the heart.
  Nelson: You mean like Principal Skinner's, which you broke?
  Mrs. Krabappel: What do you care?
  Nelson: Eh, bro's before ho's.
  Mrs. Krabappel: Nelson! I'll see you after class.
  Nelson: I'll be there. Will you?
• Nelson: Hey, butler, why don't you stop "butlering" yourself?
  Butler: If only that I could, sir.

Principal Skinner

• Attention, all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archaeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.
• Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
• Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
• Huhuhuh, oh I think Uter's around somewhere, children.. huhuhuh I think there's a little Uter.. in all of us! huhuhuh..in fact, maybe we just ATE Uter, and he's in our stomachs right now! ....Ahem, scratch that last part.
• I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.
• I haven't seen such unfettered hurley-burley since the fall of Saigon.
• I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes ... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts!
• I've always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
• Order, order. Do you kids want to be like the real UN, or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
• Skinner: I see you beat that bedwetting problem in second-grade.
  Samantha Stanky: That's in there?!
  Skinner: Don't worry. I'm sure they'll forget about it. (going into lapse) Just like they forgot about me in that tiger cage for 18 agonizing months! Every night I woke up screaming!
• Skinner: Valentine's day is no joke!
  (Flashback: Da Nang, Valentine's Day 1969)
  Skinner: Sending your chick a valentine, huh?
  Johnny: Oh yeah.
  (Johnny is gunned down by machine gun fire)
  Skinner: Johnny? (flashback ends) Johnny?! (Over still active P.A.) JOHNNY!!!
  Bart: Cool, I broke his brain.
• That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
  Willie: I warned ya, Skinner! Didn't I warn ya?!!
• That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.
• There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
• Up yours, Children!
• Stand down!
• (Over the P.A.) Attention, students, everyone will now meet in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. (In his office) Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the children name that one.
• Students, times are becoming different. The grades have reached an all-time low, so I'm handing out these "academic alerts". That way, your parents won't have to wait for report card periods to spank you.
• (To the tune of In the Jungle)
  Castrati: Oh, Edna K. Oh, Edna K. Oh, Edna K. Oh, Edna K. Oh, Edna K. Oh, Edna K. Oh, Edna K. Oh, Edna K.
  Skinner: Ms. Krabappel, a sad principal is desperate and needy. If you come home, I won't die alone, and that's what I prefer.
  Bart: Oh, pleee-e-e-ease settle for Seymour. So pleee-e-e-ease come back to the dork.
• "I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym and arts." (extracted from "The President Wore Pearls")
• (at the alter) Well, this is it, Edna. As I've said in the battle of [name missing], "I surrender".

Moe Szyslak

• (After a lie detector test) Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight (lie buzzer) ..a date (lie buzzer) ..dinner with a friend (lie buzzer) ..dinner alone (lie buzzer) ..watching TV alone (lie buzzer) ..All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.(Lie buzzer) Sears catalog.(ding)Now will you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment!(lie buzzer)
• Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.
• Geez, who'd a thought a whale would be so heavy
• Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
• Hi, I'm Moe, or, as the ladies used to call me: "Hey you behind the bushes"
• Just like my dad used to say, 'Sooner or later, everybody gets shot.'
• Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
• Moe: Oh. Am I really that ugly?
  Carl: Ah, Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?
  Moe: Ahhh. It's worse than I thought!
  (Moe, Lenny, Barney, and Homer begin crying)
  Carl: (looking at the camera) See this is why I don't talk much.
• Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
  Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
  Moe: The results came back today. You owe me thirteen billion dollars. Oh wait, that was the price of the Voyager spacecraft. You owe me four billion dollars.
  Barney: All I have is this thousand dollars.
  Moe: That will do.
• People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
• They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

Prank Calls

• Bart: Can I speak to Homer Sexual?
  Moe: Homer Sexual! Come on, one of you's gotta be Homer Sexual.
  Homer: Don't look at me...
• Bart: Can I speak to Ivana Tinkle?
  Moe: Ivana Tinkle! Come on everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!
• Bart: Can I speak to Amanda Hugankiss?
  Moe: Amanda Hugankiss! I'm looking for Amanda Hugankiss. Oh, why can't I find Amanda Hugankiss?
  Barney: Maybe your standards are too high.
• Moe: Hey everybody, "I'm A Stupid Moron With An Ugly Face And A Big Butt And My Butt Smells And I Like To Kiss My Own Butt."
• Moe: Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here?
  Turns back to telephone
  Moe: Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out who you are, I'm gonna kill you!
• Moe: Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff!
• Moe: Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
• Moe: Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
• Moe: Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?
• Moe: Uh, Hugh Jass? Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!
  There is actually a Hugh Jass in the bar. He picks up the phone.
• Moe: Bea O'Problem! Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?
  Barney: You sure do!
  Moe: Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
• Moe is taking over as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Krabappel's class during a teachers' strike
  Moe: OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?
  The students in the classroom laugh
  Moe: All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?
  More laughs
  Moe: All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks!
  Still more laughs
  Moe: Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
  Moe runs out of the classroom crying as Bart crosses Moe's name off of a list of what are now former substitute teachers
• Homer (from a payphone on the road): Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura.
  Moe: Eura Snotball?
  Homer: What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
• Bart claims that there's a telegram for someone who is at Moe's:
  Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme! Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, Heywood U. Cuddleme?
  A large man turns and stares at Moe as Lenny and Carl laugh
  Moe: Oh, do, that little, ooh... I'm gonna drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! STOP!

Milhouse Van Houten

• (To Bart over the phone): I'd also want to be a free man... (To his mom) MOM, where's my Puppy Goo-Goo? (his mother brings a stuffed Shih Tzu) Oh, Puppy Goo-Goo, fetch me a dream.
• Alf Pogs! Remember Alf? Well he's back... in pog form!
• Awww, mo-om, I don't wanna wear flood pants! (After room fills with water) Hey! My shoes are soaked but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's coming up Milhouse!
• Bart: (Gasp) I'm a nerd!
  Milhouse: (Gasp) So am I!
• Bart: Do you realize what this means?
  Milhouse: Yeah, but you say it first.
• How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy.
• I can help you sir, and I answer to no one.
• I will be a nerd fish (when someone asks him what fish he wants to be).
• Milhouse: (refering to BetterthanTV.com) Can I come?
  Bart: Sure! You can speak nerd to them.
  Milhouse: I'm not a nerd! Nerds are smart.
• So this is what it feels like when doves cry.
• The 'House always wins.
• The Statue of Liberty? Where are we?!
• What is it with cherubs? I mean, are they barfing or something?
• You leave that to the Baron and me.
• You said I never had a goldfish, but why'd I have a bowl Bart? Why'd I have a bowl?!?
• Back off, Bart! She's with The 'House now.
• (as Moses) Screw this, I'm converting! Save us, O' mighty Ra!
• Bart: Whoa, how did you find this place?
  Milhouse: This is where I come when I cry.
• I'm the second coolest kid in the world!
• Oh, and Lisa, I was never in Baghdad. I made the story up. I was in Basra.
• Nelson: Nobody ever ends out with a [dance move name missing].
  Milhouse: Yeah, that's stupid.
  Ralph: I wanna twirl.

Chief Clancy Wiggum

• All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
• Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!
• Ehm, what does it say on my badge?... 'Cash Bribes Only'!
• Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?
• I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
• Let him go. I have a feeling we'll meet again. Each and every week.
• Marge: Chief Wiggum, my daughter is innocent until proven guilty.
  (Homer and Lisa break garage door and drive away.)
  Wiggum: Would an innocent person flee?...No really... I'm asking. I honestly don't know.
  Lou: Ah no, Chief.
  Ralph: Even I knew that.
  Wiggum: Yeah, yeah. I'm no good.
• No jury in the world is going to convict a baby... Maybe Texas.
• No, you got the wrong number. This is 91... 2.
• Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose.
• Oh, sure. We'd all love some real friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?
• Ralph, what is it with your facination with my 'Forbidden Closet of Mystery'?
• See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise...I've got no case...and you'll go scot-free.
• She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it! Awww c'mon! Give it back!
• This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. I repeat, hatless.
• Time for another hot beef injection.
• Wiggum: (after shooting a tall guy) They're not so tough.
  Lou: Uh, chief, that wasn't a monster. That was the captain of the high school basketball team.
  Wiggum: Yeah, well, uh, he was turning into a monster.
• You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.
• (into car mike) My position? Ah, jeez. I'm on a road. There's some trees and shrubs. Directly under the Earth's sun...NOW!
• Lou: Another case of Monopoly related violence, chief.
  Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?
• Marge: Please. You have to protect my husband.
  Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people?
  Lou: Uh, second word, Chief.
  Wiggum: Thanks a lot, Princeton Pete.
• Mona Simpson: (into car mike) Granny to the Man. Granny to the Man.
  Wiggum: (looking at "Hippie-English" dictionary and talking into car mike) This is the man. We think it'd be a gas if you turned that magic bus around and kept on truckin to our pig pad.
  Mona Simpson: I don't know what you're saying, but I am not turning back.
  Wiggum: Then listen to me, lady. The only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box, or a funicular.
  Lou: What about a hot-air balloon?
  Wiggum: Yeah, pipe down, Jules Verne.
• Wiggum: All right, smart guy, where's the fire?
  Homer: Over there.
  (Homer points to the police station, which is on fire)
  Wiggum: Okay, you just bought yourself a 317: pointing out police stupidity. Oh wait, is that a 314? No, 314 is a dog, uh, in, no, is that a 315? Eh, you're in trouble, pal.
• Wiggum: Hello? It sounds like a domestic disturbance. Alright we'll be right back, and don't try anything because Johansen there is a snitch.
• Wiggum: Listen up, home invaders. We don't want trouble. We just want to talk.
  Lou: You want to talk? We can talk about Eddie sleeping with my ex-wife.
  Wiggum: I thought the divorce was final.
  Lou: When is a divorce ever final?
• Wiggum: Nice work, Brenda. I'll take it from here.
  Robot: No way. This is my collar. (wiggum turns robot off)
  Wiggum: Heh. Too bad real women don't come with these, huh?
  Homer: Hehehe, you got that right.
  Wiggum: Quiet you. That counts as your phone call.
• Ralph: (regarding Homer with his shirt off) Mommy has bosoms like that right Daddy?
  Wiggum: Yeah, I wish.
• (in 1890 London) Remember me for my police work and not the murder!
• Insurance agent: You haven't been saving anything for the future!
  Wiggum: Why bother? You know the deal with cops: I'll be shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it "reti-oney".
  Insurance agent: But...what if you don't die?
  Wiggum: Oh, what a terrible thing to say! (Sarah starts crying) Oh, look! You made my wife cry!
• Wiggum: Uh oh, we better get the entire force working on this!
  Lou: But chief, we are the entire force.
  Wiggum: Then we'd better start recruiting, Lou.
• (arresting Bart and Milhouse) You have the right to remain...uh...um...(looks into his car and reads the Miranda rights teleprompter)...silent? That doesn't sound right.
• Wiggum: Disperse! We are ready to use force! ...What's that? We're not? Uh oh. Somebody call the police.
  Lou: Oh, they never come.

• Wiggum: 911. This better be good...

Ralph Wiggum

• Ralph: And when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
  Miss Hoover: Thank you Ralph, very graphic.
• Bart: Smell that? That's the smell of justice.
  Ralph: Smells like hot dogs.
• Bushes are nice because they don't have pricklies. Unless they do. This one did. Ouch.
• Chief Wiggum (After finding out Ralph's 'melted crayon sandwich' didn't make into the competition): No, no. I liked it. It was good.
  Ralph: You only took a pretend bite.
  Chief Wiggum: No, no! I'm eating it! (bites sandwich and looks disgusted)
  Ralph: Can you taste the thumbtacks?
• Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.
• Dying tickles!
• Even my boogers taste spicy.
• Everybody's hugging.
• Go banana!
• Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!
• I bent my wookiee.
• I wanna live with underground grandma!
• I eated the purple berries! Oh... urggghh... (falls over)
  Bart: Uh... How are they, Ralph? Good?
  Ralph: It tastes like ... burning.
• I found a moonrock in my nose!
• I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
• I'm a boy!
• I'm a gulch!
• I'm Idaho!
• I'm learnding!
• I'm pedaling backwards!
• It's recess everywhere but in his heart.
• Lisa's a vegimartian.
• Lisa: What kind of job do you want?
  Ralph: I want to be a firetruck.
  Lisa: Hmmm, how 'bout a feature columnist?
  Ralph: Yaaaay! I'm a feature columnist! (starts running in circles and makes sounds like a firetruck)
• Look Big Daddy. It's Regular Daddy.
• Miss Hoover? I glued my head to my shoulder.
• Me fail English? That's unpossible!
• Ralph: Prince Skibble-skibble! Er, Prindible Skimpster! I found something! It's a spearhead!
  Miss Hoover: That's your trowel-blade, Ralph. It fell off the handle.
  Ralph: And I found it!
• Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
  Ralph: He was going to the bathroom.
• Ralph: Miss Hoover?
  Miss Hoover: Yes, Ralph.
  Ralph: I don't have a red crayon.
  Miss Hoover: Why not?
  Ralph: I ate it.
• Miss Hoover: Ralph, are you eating your paste?
  Ralph (with paste in his mouth): Mo, nithf oovah.
• Ralph: Miss Hoover, the movie's over!
  Student 1: Where's Miss Hoover?
  Student 2: Hey, her car is gone!
  Ralph: Maybe she drove to the moon.
• Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
• My cat's breath smells like cat food.
• Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!
• Ralph: (tap dancing) My shoes are making noise.
  Little Vicky: You must be Ralph.
  Ralph: My daddy shoots people.
• Ralph: Eww, Daddy, this tastes like Gramma!
  Chief Wiggum: (Spits) It does taste like Gramma!
  Ralph: I want more!
  Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too, I want a bushel, or a package, or a - just give them to me!
• That's my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. (Pointing to a large rock) That's where I saw the Leprechaun. He told me to burn things.
• The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
• Miss Hoover: Volunteers?
  Lisa and Ralph stand.
  Miss Hoover: Thank you, Lisa.
  Ralph: No, Miss Hoover! I'm Ralph!
• What's a battle?
• What's a diorama? (Upon winning a diorama competition)
• When I grow up, I want to be a principal, or a caterpillar!
• When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!
• Why do people run from me? (wets pants)
• You're going to heaven!
• Ralph: Miss Hoover? My parents won't let me use scissors. (Class laughs)
  Miss Hoover: The children are right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things wouldn't cut butter.
• Ralph: Can you open my milk, Mommy?
  Miss Hoover: I'm not mommy, Ralph. I'm Ms. Hoover.
• Bart (spelling): I-M-P...
  Nelson: Bart said "I am pee!" He's made of pee!
  Bart: Well I had my laugh.
  Ralph: I made Bart in my pants.
• Bart's my bestest boyfriend.
• My sash says Ultraman! (Ralph makes kung fu noises and kicks)

Mayor Quimby

• Vote Quimby.
• Ich bin ein Springfielder.
• Quimby: For a second there you were officially the mayor of Springfield.
  Miss Springfield: And you was a girl, Joe!

Fat Tony & the Mafia

• Fat Tony: Johnny Tightlips, can you see the shooter?
  Johnny Tightlips: I see a lot of things.
  Fat Tony: You know, you could be a little more helpful!
• Mafia member: Johnny Tightlips! Where did they shoot you?
  Johnny Tightlips: I ain't saying nothing.
  Mafia member: But what do I tell the doctor?
  Johnny Tightlips: Tell him to suck a lemon.
• Mafia member: We narrowed . . . down [the suspected squealer] to Johnny Tightlips... or Frankie the Squealer.
  Frankie the Squealer: All right! It was me! I can't help myself! It makes me feel big!
• Louie: Hey, I heard that there's a lunar eclipse tonight. Maybe we should look up.
  Legs: For me, it's solar or nothing.
• Fat Tony: You are not a pet. You are not a friend. You are nothing to me.
• Fat Tony: That bird just touched my car. You know what to do.
• Fat Tony: Welcolm to my house. And to answer your first question: Yes, we do have pasta.
  The guests: (murmurs of approval)
• Fat Tony: I haven't cried this much since I paid to see Godfather III.
• Mafia member: Had enough, Squealer?
  Frankie the Squealer: Did you know that Fat Tony's real name is Marion?

Rainier Wolfcastle (aka "McBain")

• 1 Highway, 0 City
• Have you ever noticed how men leave the toilet seat up? That's the joke.
• Here's my impression of Woody Allen. (doesn't change voice at all) "I'm a neurotic little nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
• I have purchased the Springfield YMCA. I plan to tear it down and turn the land into a nature preserve. There, I will hunt the deadliest game of all... Man.
• I would cry if my tear ducts weren't so muscular.
• Laughing time is ovah.
• Leave me a message after the beep..BUT DON'T BE A MESSAGE HOG USING UP ALL MY TAPE!
• Let my muscles hug you.
• MENDOZA!
• Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.
• McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!
• My eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!
• My Ferrari! I had to do awful things to pay for her.
• My Libido has been terminated.
• My new film is a mixture of action and comedy.
• My teenage son returns from a fancy East Coast college, and I'm horrified to discover he's a nerd.
• Nice shirt. It makes you look like a homosexual. [Audience boos]. Perhaps you are all homosexuals!
• On closer inspection, these are loafers.
• Someone please, give me a job. I lowered my quote to $8 million. I do nude scene, I play nerd. Don't make me punch your throat!
• Up and ad-dem!
• (as a young Ranier Wolfcastle) My Bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z. My Bratwurst has a second name it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N

---

• Movie critic (cannot remember name): [Being treatened by Wolfcastle] your shoes are untied.
  Wolfcastle: From here they appear to be tied, but I shall go in for a closer inspection. [The critic runs away and day turns to night]. On further inspection: these are loafers.
• (From Inside the Actor's Studio) [a guy's name missing]: Welcolm back to Inside the Actor's Studio. We've already met Rainier Wolfcastle, actor, novelist, barbeque sauce spokesman. Now, can we meet McBain?
  Rainier Wolfcastle: Let me get into character. (voice unchanged) Okay, I'm McBain.
  Audience: (applause)
  Rainier Wolfcastle: (pulls out a gun) All right, Mendoza. I'll give you the Maxwell Circuit, if you put down my daughter.
  [interviewer]: Ooh...
  Rainier Wolfcastle: (shoots the interviewer)
  [interviewer]: It was a pleasure to eat your lead, good sir... (dies)

Lionel Hutz

• Lionel Hutz: Uh oh, we drew Judge Schneider.
  Marge: Is that bad?
  Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
  Marge: Really?!
  Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son'.

People of Springfield

• Protest slogan: Two, four, six, eight! It's time to re-illuminate!
• Protest slogan: Diamond Joe's got to go!
• Protest slogan: 'Two, four, six, eight! Homer Simpson's really great! ... Great meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!' [Crowd's outside Simpsons' home after Homer is accused of sexual harrassment]

Catch phrases

The family

• Homer: "D'oh!"; "Why you little...!" "Mmmm..." "Stupid Flanders!"
• Marge: (Back of throat growl of disappointment)
• Bart: "Ay-caramba!"; "Eat my shorts."; "Don't have a cow, man!"; "I didn't do it!";"I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! You can't prove anything!"
• Lisa: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room."
• Maggie: "Squish squish." (Noise from sucking her pacifier)

Other characters

• Barney: (Belch)
• Mr Burns: "Excellent."; "Release the hounds!"; "Simpson, eh?"
• Chalmers: SKINNNNER!!!
• Comic Book Guy: "Worst [blank] ever!"
• Flanders: "Hidely ho, neighborino!"; "Okely-dokely."
• Professor Frink: "Gah-HOY'geh'flavin!"
• Krusty: Hey-hey (whooping laugh) Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-wha-ha-ha-ha!
• Captain Horratio McAllister (The Sea Captain): "Yar."
• Troy McClure: "Hello, I'm Troy McClure, You may remember me from such films as...."
• Mayor Quimby: "Vote Quimby."
• Nelson: "Ha-Ha."
• Dr Nick Riviera: "Hi everybody." <response, in unison> "Hi Dr Nick."
• Chief Wigum: "It's over, Bob."
  Sideshow Bob: "By Lucifer 's Beard!"
  Chief Wigum: "Uh, yeah. Cuff him, boys."

One liners and other quotes

• Machine voice: Now, who's going to press my reset button? Will it be you, you, or... you?
• Announcer: Flight, the dream of man and flightless bird alike.
• Groundskeeper Willy: Boys and girls are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
• Mayor Quimby: Ich bin ein Springfielder!
• Miss Springfield: Gentlemen, start your whacking!
• Barry White: Don't bother the snakes. Leave the snakes...alone.
• Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Oh...yeah.
• (In the courtroom)
  Prosecutor: I'll ask the questions here, Carjacker Wille!
  Defense: Objection!
  Judge: I'm going to allow this: it characterizes the defendant as a carjacker.
• (At Marge's shoplifting trial)
  Prosecutor (to jury): Who do you think is better looking, Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson?
  Judge: How is this relevant to the case?
  Prosecutor: Because I am so convinced of this woman's guilt that I can afford to waste the jury's time rating the super-hunks.
  Lionel Hutz (to Marge): Ooh, he's gonna win.
• Lionel Hutz: Your honour, I move for a bad court thingie.
  Judge: You mean a mistrial?
  Lionel Hutz: That's it. That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking-guy.
• (Krusty the Klown skit: U.N. meeting)
  Sideshow Mel: I will now call the role. France.
  Krusty (as a French delegate): Oh my cheese; she stanks! What a minute, it's me!
  Sideshow Mel: Jamaica.
  Krusty (as a Jamaican delegate): Hey, man. I now call a joint session. This meeting is dreadlocked.
  Sideshow Mel: San Francisco.
  Krusty (as a "San Francisco delegate"): Hey there sailor! I'm here and faaabulous. Now I'd like to call a motion. Woooooo!
• (Willie is teaching French) Bonjoooouur, ya cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!
• Arnie Pie: (over looking a riot in his helicopter) Well Kent, this city has just exploded in a fire of pent-up rage! (laughs nerviously)
  Kent Brockman: Arnie, I think what the people want to know is "is my house okay"?
  Arnie Pie: What?! Do you mean "is your giant castle okay, KENT"!?!
  Kent Brockman: Arnie, don't be mad just cause I bought it at the right time.
  Arnie Pie: Where's my right time, Kent?! Where's my right time?!
• Benjamin: That Dean is going to get an indignant e-mail.
  Doug: You should do it with bold, red letters.
  Gary: My computer has 512 shades of red.
• Groundskeeper Willie: Wha!?! Go ABERDEEN!!
• Judge Schneider:As for science versus religion, I am issuing a restraining order. Science must remain 500 yards away from religion at all times.
  
• Lionel Hutz: Can you imagine a world without lawyers? (then thinks about the world in peace, then shivers)
• Maude Flanders: I don't think we're talking about love here--we're talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!!
  Krusty (standing in background): Sex Cauldron!?! I thought they shut that place down!
• Mick Jagger: Get a good night's sleep and remember: Rule #1, there are no rules!
  Campers: Yaaaaaaaaaa!
  Mick Jagger: Rule #2, no outside food.
• Sideshow Mel: Come! Let us kill them before learning of the magical secret which they possess!
• Sideshow Mel: SILENCE! You're talking too loud.
• Willie: Yup. I bought your mut. And I 'ate him! (Bart gasps) I 'ate his little face. I 'ate his guts! And I 'ate the way he's always barkin! So I gave him to the church!
  Bart: Oh, I see. You hated him so you gave him to the church.
  Willie: Right. And one more thing-I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. (Bart stares at him) Ya heard me!
• Lennie: The buttons look like they're sewed on, but they're actually held on with hot wax.
• Fat Tony: Then it's decided. Our website name will be crime.org.
• Lawyer: You, sir, are a moron.
  Homer: A Mormon? But I'm from Earth!
• Krusty the clown: This rickety stepladder next to this door is the perfect place for this priceless Ming vase.
• Ned: Who are we!?
  Pee-Wee Football team: The Wildcats!
  Ned: Who are we gunna beat!?
  Team: The Wildcats!

External links