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The West Wing
Season One
Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc [1.02]
- Josh Lyman: Victory is mine, victory is mine, great day in the morning people, victory is mine.
- Donna Moss: Morning, Josh.
- Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna, bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
- Donna: This is going to be an unbearable day.
A Proportional Response [1.03]
- President Josiah Bartlet: Did you know that two thousand years ago a Roman citizen could walk across the face of the known world free of the fear of molestation? He could walk across the Earth unharmed, cloaked only in the protection of the words civus Romanus -- I am a Roman citizen. So great was the retribution of Rome, universally understood as certain, should any harm befall even one of its citizens. Where was Morris's protection, or anybody else on that airplane? Where was the retribution for the families, and where is the warning to the rest of the world that Americans shall walk this Earth unharmed, lest the clenched fist of the most mighty military force in the history of mankind comes crashing down on your house?! In other words, Leo, what the hell are we doing here?!
- Leo McGarry: We are behaving the way a superpower ought to behave.
- Bartlet: Well our behaviour has produced some crappy results, in fact I'm not a hundred per cent sure it hasn't induced it.
- Leo: What are you talking about?
- Bartlet: I'm talking about two hundred and eighty-six American marines in Beirut, I'm talking about Somalia, I'm talking about Nairobi-
- Leo: And you think ratcheting up the body count's gonna act as a deterrant?
- Bartlet: You're damn right I-
- Leo: Then you are just as stupid as these guys who think capital punishment is going to be a deterrant for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day to day lives under the possibility of execution, and their executions are a lot less dainty than ours and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne ! But you better be prepared to kill everyone. And you better start with me, because I will raise up an army against you and I will beat you!
- Bartlet: He had a ten day old baby at home.
- Leo: I know.
- Bartlet: We are doing nothing.
- Leo: We are not doing nothing.
- Bartlet: We're destroying-
- Leo: Four high-rated military targets!
- Bartlet: And this is good?
- Leo: Of course it's not good. There is no good. It's what there is! It's how you behave if you're the most powerful nation in the world. It's proportional, it's reasonable, it's responsible, it's merciful! It's not nothing. Four high-rated military targets.
- Bartlet: Which they'll rebuild again in six months.
- Leo: Then we'll blow 'em up again in six months! We're getting really good at it... It's what our fathers taught us.
Five Votes Down [1.04]
- Congressman Katzenmoyer: You gotta understand the people in my district, Josh.
- Josh: Your constituents like the TEC-9 and the Ruger Mini 14, do they? They go quail hunting with an Uzi?
- Katzenmoyer: I won with fifty-two percent of the vote. From the moment I’m sworn in I need to raise ten thousand dollars a week just to run a reelection campaign.
- Josh: And you’re not doing so well.
- Katzenmoyer: Averaging sixty-five hundred. That’s money I can just squeak by with. The NRA makes me a target in the next election. I lose, plain and simple. Ask me two years from now. I’ll be there for you.
- Josh: Fifty-five thousand more people will be shot and killed with guns two years from now, but that’s very much beside the point.
- Katzenmoyer: What is your point?
- Josh: Forgive my bluntness, and I say this with all due respect, Congressman, but vote yes, or you’re not even going to be on the ballot two years from now.
- Katzenmoyer: How do you figure?
- Josh: You’re going to lose in the primary.
- Katzenmoyer: There’s no Democrat running against me.
- Josh: Sure there is.
- Katzenmoyer: Who?
- Josh: Whomever we pick.
- Katzenmoyer: You’re bluffing.
- Josh: Okay.
- Katzenmoyer: I’m in your own party!
- Josh: Doesn’t seem to be doing us much good now, does it?
- Katzenmoyer: Against an incumbent Democrat. You’ll go to the press and endorse a challenger?
- Josh: No sir. We’re going to do it in person. See, you won with fifty-two percent, but the President took your district with fifty-nine. And I think it’s high time we come back and say thanks. Do you have any idea how much noise Air Force One makes when it lands in Eau Claire, Wisconsin ? We’re going to have a party, Congressman. You should come, it’s gonna be great. And when the watermelon’s done, right in town square, right in the band gazebo... You guys got a band gazebo?
- Katzenmoyer: Josh...
- Josh: Doesn’t matter, we’ll build one. Right in the band gazebo, that’s where the President is going to drape his arm around the shoulder of some assistant DA we like. And you should have your camera with you. You should get a picture of that. ‘Cause that’s gonna be the moment you’re finished in Democratic politics. President Bartlet’s a good man. He’s got a good heart. He doesn’t hold a grudge. That’s what he pays me for.
The Crackpots and These Women [1.05]
- Leo: Andrew Jackson , in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
- Toby Ziegler: Huh.
- Leo: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
- Toby: Leo, wouldn’t this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can’t possibly defend itself against us?
- Leo: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I’m talking about President Andrew Jackson.
- Sam Seaborn: Actually, right now, you’re talking about a big block of cheese.
- Leo: And Sam goes on my list!
- Sam: What about Toby?
- Leo: I’m unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
- Mandy: And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.
- Leo: It is in that spirit...
- Sam: Hang on. Mandy doesn’t go on the list?
- Leo: Mandy’s new.
- Sam: So it’s just me... on the list?
- Leo: Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples’ servants.
- Josh: Sorry, we’re late. Is it “Total Crackpot Day” again?
- Leo: Yes, it is.
- Sam: And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.
- Josh: I serve at the pleasure of the President, and it’s a great privilege that I will never forget. [re: NSC card - instructions on where to go in the event of a nuclear crisis] I can’t keep this. I think it’s a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy. And I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it’s not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women.
- Bartlet: It was not a space ship from another planet, just another time -- a long since abandoned Soviet satellite. One of its booster rockets didn't fire and it couldn't escape Earth's orbit. A sad reminder of the time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? You know that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century? Surely we can do it again, as we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers we touched the face of God."
Mr. Willis of Ohio [1.06]
- Bartlet: The Secret Service ...
- Zoey Bartlet: The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!
- Bartlet: They are worried about me getting shot - I'm worried about me getting shot - but that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says 'hey, where's Zoey?' Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports. Now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Ben Yahbin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?!"
Six Meetings Before Lunch [1.18]
- Jeff Breckenridge: You got a dollar?
- Josh: Yeah.
- Breckenridge: Take it out. Look at the back. The seal, the pyramid, it's unfinished, with they eye of God looking over it, and the words annuit coeptis - he, God, favors our undertaking. The seal is meant to be unfinished, because this country's meant to be unfinished. We're meant to keep doing better. We're meant to keep discussing and debating. And, we're meant to read books by great historical scholars and then talk about them...
Mandatory Minimums [1.20]
- Bartlet: When I sleep, I dream about a great discussion with experts and ideas and diction and energy and honesty. And when I wake up I think, 'I can sell that.'
What Kind of Day Has It Been? [1.22]
- Bartlet: "We hold these truths to be self-evident," they said, "that all men are created equal." Strange as it may seem, that was the first time in history that anyone had ever bothered to write that down. Decisions are made by those who show up.
Season Two
In the Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part Two [2.02]
- Bartlet: Tonight, what began on the commons in Concord, Massachusetts , as an alliance of farmers and workers, of cobblesmen and tinsmiths, of statesmen and students, of mothers and wives, of men and boys, lives two centuries later as America! My name is Josiah Bartlet, and I accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States!
The Midterms [2.03]
- Josh: Tell me democracy doesn't have a sense of humor. We sit here, we drink this beer out here on the stoop, in violation about 47 city ordinances. I don't know, Toby, it's election night. What do you say about a government that goes out of its way to protect even citizens that try to destroy it?
- Toby: God bless America.
The Portland Trip [2.07]
- Bartlet: A long flight across the night. You know why late flights are good? Because we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality. Asking important questions. Talking about the idea that nobody has thought about yet. Put it a different way...
- Sam: Be poets.
Noel [2.10]
- Leo: This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."
Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail [2.16]
- Leo: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of the White House, had a two-ton block of cheese.
- Josh: And a Wheat Thin the size of Lake Tahoe .
17 People [2.18]
- Josh: I’m just sayin’ - if you were in an accident, I wouldn’t stop for a beer.
- Donna: If you were in an accident, I wouldn’t stop for red lights.
Two Cathedrals [2.22]
- Bartlet: You're a son-of-a-bitch, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene . I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to yours except praise his glory and praise his name?
- There's a tropical storm that gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year, 68 crew. Do you know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias tibi ago, domine. Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? 3.8 million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!
- You get Hoynes.
- [Translation from the Latin: Am I to believe those were the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with your punishments! I was your servant on Earth - I spread Your word and did Your work. To hell with your punishments. To hell with you.]
Season Three
The Indians In The Lobby (a.k.a. The Butterball Hotline) [3.07]
- Operator: Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
- Toby: What the hell is...
- Bartlet: Shhhh. Hello!!
- Operator: How can I help you, sir?
- Bartlet: Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
- Operator: Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
- Bartlet: I'm a citizen.
- Operator: I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
- Bartlet: [sighs] I'm Joe Betherson...sen. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
- Operator: And your address?
- Bartlet: Fargo.
- Operator: Your street address, please?
- Toby: [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
- Bartlet: [with evident strain] My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
- Operator: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
- Bartlet: I do radio commercials for... products.
- Operator: And how can I help you?
- Bartlet: [sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
- Operator: It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
- Bartlet: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
- Operator: I suppose.
- Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
- Operator: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are salmonella and camplyobacter jejuna.
- Bartlet: All right. Well, first of all, I think you made the second bacteria up, and second of all, how do I avoid it?
- Operator: Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first. Sauté any vegetables, fried sausage, oysters, etc.
- Bartlet: Excellent! Let's talk temperature.
- Operator: One hundred and sixty-five degrees.
- Bartlet: No, see, I was testing you! The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked to an internal temperature of 180 to 185 degrees.
- Operator: Yes, sir, I was talking about the stuffing which you want to cook to 165 to avoid health risks.
- Bartlet: Okay. Good testing!
- Operator: Do you have an accurate thermometer?
- Bartlet: Oh yeah. It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef to the king of... [Toby raises his hand] auto sales in...
- Toby: [whispering] Fargo.
- Bartlet: Fargo. Phil Baharnd. The man can sell a car like... well, like anything.
- Operator: Very good, sir. You have a good Thanksgiving!
- Bartlet: And you do, too. Thanks a lot! [hangs up the phone] That was excellent! We should do that once a week.
(The President and the First Lady are quarreling.)
- President: J'accuse, mon petite fromage!
- First Lady: You speak four different languages. Why can't one of them be French?
- President: That was perfectly good French!
- First Lady: You just called me your "little cheese".
- President: (pregnant pause) Yes!
H. Con 172 [3.10]
- Speaker of the House of Representatives : Would the Secretary read House Concurrent Resolution 172?
- Secretary of the House: "Whereas, in his conduct of the Office of the President of the United States, Josiah Bartlet has engaged in a course of deceitful and dishonest conduct designed to impede and deny the disclosure of vital matters of public concern, the United States Congress hereby condemns him for acting in a manner contrary to his trust as President, to the great prejudice of the cause of justice and to the manifest injury of the American people."
Posse Comitatus [3.22]
- Bartlet: In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass.
Season Four
20 Hours in America [4.01/4.02]
- Bartlet: ...restoring abundance amid an economic shortfall, securing peace in a time of global conflict, sustaining hope in this winter of anxiety and fear. More than any time in recent history, America's destiny is not of our own choosing. We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedom and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil. Yet the true measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arive. 44 people were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team were killed and two others are in critical condition, when, after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran into the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless their memory, God bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.
College Kids [4.03]
- Bartlet: 'Joy cometh in the morning,' scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world, there'll always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture, and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms; there aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well, and we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better, and we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this.
Game On [4.06]
- Governor Robert Ritchie: My view of this is simple: we don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto , they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you - "unfunded mandate." He's going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people.
- Moderator: President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer.
- Bartlet: Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things. "Unfunded mandate" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?
- Moderator: Governor Ritchie, many economists have stated that the tax cut, which is the centrepiece of your economic agenda, could actually harm the economy. Is now really the time to cut taxes?
- Ritchie: You bet it is. We need to cut taxes for one reason - the American people know how to spend their money better than the federal government does.
- Moderator: Mr. President, your rebuttal.
- Bartlet: There it is. That's the ten word answer my staff's been looking for for two weeks. There it is. Ten-word answers can kill you in political campaigns. They're the tip of the sword. Here's my question: What are the next ten words of your answer? Your taxes are too high? So are mine. Give me the next ten words. How are we going to do it? Give me ten after that, I'll drop out of the race right now.
- Every once in a while... every once in a while, there's a day with an absolute right and an absolute wrong, but those days almost always include body counts. Other than that, there aren't very many unnuanced moments in leading a country that's way too big for ten words. I'm the President of the United States, not the President of the people who agree with me. And by the way, if the left has a problem with that, they should vote for somebody else.
Commencement [4.22]
- Special Agent Wesley Davis: You know I could kill you [Josh] and just make up the reason why I did, right?
- Wesley Davis: Bookbag's been taken. She's been taken, and I've got an agent down. We're black. Go to black.
- Ron Butterfield (Head of the President's Secret Service Detail): We have a situation. We're up at black, and procedurally, the Chief of Staff is told before--
- Leo: What happened?
- Butterfield: Zoey Bartlet's missing, and there's a dead agent at the scene.
25 [4.23]
- Special Agent Wesley Davis: Who gave this to you? Give me a name. Listen to me, you're going to be fine. You're the key witness to the end of the world.
- Leo: (to C.J.) Do not get into a discussion of the President's emotional state. You have to pivot whatever you get to Commander-in-Chief...We're in control. The government is functioning. This is the most important press conference of your life.
- Bartlet: I need you to tell me now: Do you think she's already dead?
- Leo: I absolutely do not.
- Bartlet: If they show me a picture of her alive and tell me to aim cruise missiles at Tel Aviv, they're counting on the fact that a father--
- Leo: But you wouldn't.
- Bartlet: I might.
- Leo: There are people around you who won't let you.
- Bartlet: How about a picture they've got a knife to her throat, get out of Saudi Arabia?
- Leo: You shouldn't think of images like that.
- Bartlet: All I can think of are images like that...Leo, the people you just named don't have the legal authority to stop me from doing certain things, and some of them would go to jail if they didn't follow my orders. Very quietly, I want you to assemble the Cabinet. I want you to call the Speaker of the House.
See also
External links
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