quotes

Categories: Comedy films

Wayne's World

Wayne's World is a 1992 comedy film about two buddies and their local access TV show.

Table of contents

Wayne

"Wayne's World, Wayne's World, party time, excellent!"

"Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs, nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However I do have a cable access show - and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen, tsia right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt." (Wayne)

"Not!" (Wayne and/or Garth)
"We're not worthy!!!" (Wayne and Garth)

"Schwing!" (Wayne and/or Garth)

Garth

Dialogue

"Party on, Wayne." (Garth)

"Party on, Garth." (Wayne)

"I smell bacon" (as cop approaches Wayne and Garth)

"Excuse me sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?" (Garth)

"A sphincter says, 'What?' (Wayne)

"What did you say?" (Random unsuspecting individual)

Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

Garth Algar: Who's trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?" "I don't know, but he better not.

Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Noah Vanderhoff: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.

Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
[Garth fears throwing up if he talks to his dream girl]

Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say, it's OK, I don't mind. I don't mind. Well I mind! I mind big time? And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.

Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'?
Wayne Campbell: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beetles.
Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beetles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck.
Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name.

Garth Algar: Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?
Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.
Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?
Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne Campbell: I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!

Alan: Do I frighten you?
Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.
Alan: Do you want me to?

Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.

Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.

Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
[Admiring a guitar in a music store]

Garth Algar: Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.

Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I was just really bored.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder.

Garth Algar: That is a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym-class.

Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious.
Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
[Talking about Claudia Schiffer]

[Holding Claudia Schiffer picture]
Garth Algar: Hey, is it OK if I put this down, I'm getting tired of holding it.
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's what she said.

Benjamin: First let me get this out of the way; I'm a big fan.
Garth Algar: You are?
Benjamin: The way I see it; your show is capable of so much more.
Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.

Wayne Campbell: Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?
[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?"]

Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody.".

Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man.
Wayne Campbell: Yea, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry: No no no, I mean it man. I LOVE you.
Wayne Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you.
Terry: No you don't, man. I love you.
Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry] Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry: I love you, man.
Garth Algar: Thank you.

Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...

[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky]
Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth Algar: She's a babe.
Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora".
Garth Algar: If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln.
[A brief pause]
Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell: [cracks up laughing] No... No.
Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy?
Davy: Yeah, I got paid today.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like.
Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels.
Davy: Know what I'd like to do?
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.

Garth Algar: OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.

Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem?
T-1000: Have you seen this boy?
[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop]

Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white champagne, even though by definition they're not.

Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.

Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy. We're not worthy.

Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

Wayne Campbell: She will be mine. Oh yes - she will be mine. [After seeing Cassandra for the first time]

Garth Algar: Let me tell you something about women, Wayne. They want you to come get them, they LOVE it.

Garth Algar: I'm having a good time... not. [After being stranded]

[To the camera] Wayne Campbell: What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on, and you know what really pisses me off-
[Camera pans away]
Wayne Campbell: Wait, where are you goin'? OK, things aren't that great, but I'll get 'em back, OK?

Wayne Campbell: Hey, where'd you learn to speak English?
Cassandra: College... and the Police Academy movies.

Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah?
Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?
Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Cassandra: Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.
Wayne Campbell: Interesting.

Benjamin Kane: So Garth, what do you think so far?
Garth Algar: It's like a new pair of underwear. At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.

Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp.

Wayne Campbell: Zang. ("excellent" in Cantonese)

[Ron Paxton demonstrates his new invention, the "suck kut"]
Ron Paxton: As you can see, it sucks as it cuts.
Wayne Campbell: It certainly does suck.
Garth Algar: [getting a suck-cut] AAHHH. TURN IT OFF MAN, TURN IT OFF. IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE. OH THE HUMANITY.

Stacy: Hi Garth.
Garth Algar: Hi.
Stacy: I'm looking for Wayne, I'm very concerned about him he seems to be going through a difficult phase right now, yah know. What do you think it is?
Garth Algar: That you're mental.
Stacy: You know him best, what do you think I should do?
Garth Algar: Just get over it and go out with somebody else.
Stacy: Get over it go out with somebody else. Yeah, thanks, ok, great. Hi.

Garth Algar: [while reading Benjamin's planner] Thursday-take over feeble cable access show, and exploit it. Gee, I feel sorry for whoever THAT is.

Garth Algar: We fear change.

Wayne Campbell: Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.
Garth Algar: What if he honks in the car?
Wayne Campbell: I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.

Garth Algar: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.

Wayne Campbell: Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?
Cassandra: Yeah.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, party. Bonus.

[In a music store]
Wayne Campbell: I know. I'll use the "May I help you?" riff.
[plays obnoxious guitar solo]
Clerk: May I help you?

[Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store]
Guy: You are like... amazing... dude.
Garth: Thanks. I like to play.

Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese Takeout? I know a great place!
Wayne Campbell: I'll have "the cream of sum yung guy".

Garth Algar: We're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!

Garth

Dialogue

"Party on, Wayne." (Garth)

"Party on, Garth." (Wayne)

"I smell bacon" (as cop approaches Wayne and Garth)

"Excuse me sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?" (Garth)

"A sphincter says, 'What?' (Wayne)