Withnail and I

Table of contents

1 Withnail 2 Uncle Monty 3 Danny 4 Marwood

Withnail

• "We've come on holiday by mistake."
• "We're not from London you know."
• "I'm sitting down to enjoy my holiday."
• "Monty you terrible cunt!"
• "I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!"
• "Officer, I assure you I've only had a few ales."
• "Here comes another fucker."
• "Chin chin."
• "Black puddings are no good to me. I want something's flesh."
• "We want the finest wines available to humanity. We want them here and we want them now."
• "Don't threaten me with a dead fish."
• "I feel like a pig shat in my head."
• Regarding the chicken received from 'the Farmer': "How do we make it die?"
• "Scrubbers!"
• "Put on the gloves. Don't attempt anything without the gloves."
• To his agent on a payphone: "Well lick ten percent of the asses for me then."
• "I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it will be murder. My wife is having a baby."
• "... I loathe those Russian plays. Always full of women staring out of windows whining about ducks going to Moscow."
• "A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints, please"
• "But I've got us a bottle open. Confiscated it from Monty's supplies. '53 Margaux. Best of the century."

Uncle Monty

• "As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops."
• "I think the carrot infinitely more fascinating than the geranium."
• "Flowers are essentially tarts. Prostitutes for the bees."
• "I mean to have you even if it must be burglary."
• "It's the most devastating moment in a young mans life, when he quite reasonably says to himself, "I shall never... play... The Dane!" It is at that moment that all ambition ceases to exist."
• "Here hare here."
• "'Laissez-moi respirer longtemps, longtemps, l'odeur de tes cheveux!' Brings back such memories of Oxford"
• "I'm preparing myself to forgive you. I think you've been punished enough. I think we better release you from the legume and transfer your talents to the meat."
• "Indeed I often wonder where Norman is now. Probably wintering with his mother in Guildford. A cat, rain, Vim under the sink, and both bars on. But old now, there is no true beauty without decay."
• "How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns where royalty comes in gangs. Come on lads, the sky's bruising, night must fall and we shall be forced to camp."

Danny

• "They're selling hippie wigs in Woolworth's man."
• "The greatest decade in the history of mankind is coming to an end and as Presuming Ed here has so consistently pointed out, we have failed to paint it black."
• "The joint I am about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to twelve skins."
• "It is called a Camberwell Carrot because I invented it in Camberwell and it looks like a carrot."
• "Cool your boots man."
• "This doll is extremely dangerous. It has voodoo qualities."
• "I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason that bald-headed men are uptight."

Marwood

• "Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!"
• "Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day."
• (reading grafitti on pub toilet wall)"'I fuck arses.' Who fucks arses? Maybe he fucks arses. Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity."
• "I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering and have come in here with the express intent of wishing one on you"
• "Not what I'd been led to expect from the H.E. Bates novel I'd read. I thought they'd all be round the back, drinking cider, discussing butter."
• "Danny give me a Valium, I'm getting the fear!"
• "My hearts beating like a fucked clock!"
• "My thumbs have gone weird!"