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Yes, Prime Minister
Yes, Prime Minister , British television show
On Government Policy
- Sir Humphrey: My job is to carry out government policy.
- Jim Hacker: Even if you think it is wrong?
- Sir Humphrey: Well, almost all government policy is wrong, but...frightfully well carried out.
Quoting an article in the Express about the fact that Inland Revenue has more employees than the Royal Navy
- Frank Weisel: Perhaps the government thinks that a tax is the best form of defense.
- Jim Hacker: Are you saying that winking at corruption is government policy?
- Sir Humphrey: No, no, Minister. It could never be government policy. That is unthinkable. Only government practice.
On Press
- Jim Hacker: "Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers:
- The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
- The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
- The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
- The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
- The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
- The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
- And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is."
- Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?"
- Bernard Woolley: "Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits."
- Sir Humphrey: "Didn't you read the Financial Times this morning?"
- Sir Desmond Glazebrook: "Never do."
- Sir Humphrey: "Well you're a banker, surely you read the Financial Times?"
- Sir Desmond: "Can't understand it. Full of economic theory."
- Sir Humphrey: "Why do you buy it?"
- Sir Desmond: "Oh, you know, it's part of the uniform."
- Sir Humphrey: "Bernard, Ministers should never know more than they need to know. Then they can't tell anyone. Like secret agents, they could be captured and tortured."
- Bernard: "You mean by terrorists?"
- Sir Humphrey: "By the BBC, Bernard.
On Subsidy
- Sir Humphrey: Bernard, subsidy is for art...for culture. It is not to be given to what the people want, it is for what the people don't want but ought to have.
On Foreign Policy
- Sir Humphrey: "With Trident we could obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe."
- Jim Hacker: "I don't want to obliterate the whole of Eastern Europe."
- Sir Humphrey: "It's a deterrent."
- Jim Hacker: "It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it."
- Sir Humphrey: "Yes, but they don't know that you probably wouldn't."
- Jim Hacker: "They probably do."
- Sir Humphrey: "Yes, they probably know that you probably wouldn't. But they can't certainly know."
- Jim Hacker: "They probably certainly know that I probably wouldn't."
- Sir Humphrey: "Yes, but even though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't, they don't certainly know that, although you probably wouldn't, there is no probability that you certainly would."
- Sir Humphrey: "Bernard, what is the purpose of our defence policy?"
- Bernard Woolley: "To defend Britain."
- Sir Humphrey: "No, Bernard. It is to make people believe Britain is defended."
- Bernard Woolley: "The Russians?"
- Sir Humphrey: "Not the Russians, the British! The Russians know it is not."
- Sir Humphrey: "Minister, Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last 500 years: to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans, and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now when it's worked so well?"
- Jim Hacker: "That's all ancient history, surely."
- Sir Humphrey: "Yes, and current policy. We had to break the whole thing (the EEC) up, so we had to get inside. We tried to break it up from the outside, but that wouldn't work. Now that we're inside we can make a complete pig's breakfast of the whole thing: set the Germans against the French, the French against the Italians, the Italians against the Dutch. The Foreign Office is terribly pleased, it's just like old times."
- Jim Hacker: "Europe is a community of nations, dedicated towards one goal."
- Sir Humphrey: "Oh, ha ha ha."
- Jim Hacker: "May we share the joke, Humphrey?"
- Sir Humphrey: "Oh Minister, let's look at this objectively. It's a game played for national interests, it always was. Why do you suppose we went into it?"
- Jim Hacker: "To strengthen the brotherhood of Free Western nations."
- Sir Humphrey: "Oh really. We went in to screw the French by splitting them off from the Germans."
- Jim Hacker: "So why did the French go into it then?"
- Sir Humphrey: "Well, to protect their inefficient farmers from commercial competition."
- Jim Hacker: "That certainly doesn't apply to the Germans."
- Sir Humphrey: "No no, they went in to cleanse themselves of genocide and apply for readmission to the human race."
- Jim Hacker: "I never heard such appalling cynicism. At least the small nations didn't go into it for selfish reasons."
- Sir Humphrey: "Oh really? Luxembourg is in it for the perks; the capital of the EEC, all that foreign money pouring in."
- Jim Hacker: "Very sensible central location."
- Sir Humphrey: "With the administration in Brussels and the Parliament in Strasbourg? Minister, it's like having the House of Commons in Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering."
- Jim Hacker: "Humphrey, do you think it is a good idea to issue a statement?" (as a response to the planned speech of the President of Buranda urging the Scots and Irish to fight against English oppression)
- Sir Humphrey: "Well, Minister, in practical terms we have the usual six options: One, do nothing. Two, issue a statement deploring the speech. Three, lodge an official protest. Four, cut of aid. Five, break off diplomatic relations. And six, declare war."
- Jim Hacker: "Which should be it?"
- Sir Humphrey: "Well, if we do nothing we implicitly agree with the speech. Two, if we issue a statement we'll just look foolish. Three, if we lodge a protest it'll be ignored. Four, we can't cut of aid because we don't give them any. Five, if we break off diplomatic relations we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts. And six, if we declare war it might just look as though we were over-reacting."
See Also
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